Embracing Motherhood's Mysteries: Infertility, Identity, and Healing w/ Jen Banks

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Good evening, witches and wizards.

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Thank you for joining me.

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This is Practically Magic
with Courtney Pearl.

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Today is a very special episode because
it is actually not me that is hosting.

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Um, the episode you are about to hear
today is going to be from an episode

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of Let Yourself Bloom with Jen Banks.

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Um, I shamelessly asked her if she
would have me on her podcast to

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talk about a very specific subject
that is very important to me.

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Um, and she talks a lot about on her
podcast, finding your identity through

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motherhood, that for a lot of women, We
tend to lose ourselves in being mothers,

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being of service to our family, and that
she is of the belief that people can

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retain their identity and even Blossom or
bloom within that identity of motherhood,

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um, with the things that are important
and matter to us and what is our purpose.

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And I specifically reached
out to her because I have an

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experience with infertility.

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And I wanted to talk with her
specifically about what women who

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go through infertility feel like and
where that connects with our identity

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and in pursuit of our purpose.

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So that is what you're going to hear
with our conversation from her episode.

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I just wanted to add in a little bit of my
own magic when talking about this subject.

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So before we get to the episode that,
um, that I'm going to show you, I

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would like to start it out in the
Practically Magic way and do a card

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reading and a little storytelling to
help introduce us and introduce what

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it is that Jen and I talked about.

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So the first thing that I want to do is
pull a card and I've chosen the goddess

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power oracle deck for this because to me,
when asked about mothers and women power,

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um, I specifically think about goddesses.

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The goddesses of mythology and who it
is that I relate to or honor when it

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comes to my My own deities and my own
worship is I think of the goddess.

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So the goddess oracle deck, goddess power
oracle deck, we're going to choose a card

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and the card that comes up.

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Oh, this is absolutely perfect
for what we're going to talk about

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today because this is the Kali card.

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I'm showing it on the screen for
those who are watching on YouTube.

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Kali or, uh, the word that is associated
here in the deck is liberation.

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I want to share an experience that I had
in England last year, um, because I think

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it falls perfectly in line with this card.

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Kali being the goddess of
destruction and creation.

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And The belief system around, um, the
peoples that worship Kali or that, um,

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it's part of their mythology is that The
creative energy of the universe is also

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the energy that has to be destructive.

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And that can sound really scary,
but it's actually really beautiful.

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Um, and the way that I think of that
is the way that a caterpillar has to

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completely deconstruct or destroy or,
uh, take apart cell by cell its own body.

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In order to transform and be
reborn into the butterfly.

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That, to me, is a perfect symbol for what
it means when we have to We have to honor

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the destruction as well as honoring the
building and the creating of something.

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They are the same energy or they
are coming from the same place.

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And why I feel like this needs to come
up, um, so this experience that I had

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in England, um, when I went, we did
a ritual ceremony at the Red Spring.

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um, in the Chalice Well Gardens.

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Um, the ritual was specifically to
identify the legend of the Well Maidens.

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The Well Maidens were keeping the Holy
Grail safe, uh, near the well and their

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job was to bring it out at certain times
of the year and festivals to honor and to

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display the Holy Grail and the Chalice.

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And the story goes that these maidens
were attacked when the area or the

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land was invaded and some of the well
maidens ran away, some were killed,

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some were violated, and it was very,
very much a dishonor on the maidens

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themselves, who were the guardians of the
chalice, but also of the chalice well.

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And, um, the way that the legend
goes, we were asked to think

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of what had been taken from us.

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in our past, something that we felt was
a violation or an injustice done to us,

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and that as we concluded this ritual,
we would reclaim that for ourselves, and

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we would step into our own sovereignty.

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through this experience.

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And I really didn't have any
intention in mind when I went into it.

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Uh, when I thought about what I
would want to reclaim, there wasn't

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something that stood out to me as
like, Oh, this is what I'm here for.

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This is definitely what
this ritual is for, for me.

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It wasn't until we did a certain
part of the ceremony where One

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by one individually, we were
asked to go in and we were to

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stand in front of the red spring.

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So where the spring comes out, there's
a little trickle or river or little

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creek that they, they filter the water
through and then they come, it comes

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down this waterfall and into a pool.

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And at this point, you go through a
gate and there's this little area.

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I did a painting of this area because
it was so sacred and special to me.

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This little area where there's a pool.

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And the water, it is so thick with
iron that all of the rocks and, um,

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the pool where it's where the water
comes and collects, it's all red.

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And if you spend any time in the water,
if you walk in it, or if you, um,

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if you, uh, fill up your
canteen with it, it will be red.

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It will be stained red because
there's so much iron in the water.

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And that's why it's the red spring.

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So, um, Um, it's a very sacred pilgrimage.

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It's a sacred place for a lot of
pagans and Christians alike because

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of the legend of the Holy Grail, um,
believed to have been brought there.

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And, um, this is in Glastonbury,
by the way, if you didn't know.

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Um, so it's very red.

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The little waterfall area is red.

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And we were asked to straddle the
water, the, the little creek as it

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came down before it goes into the pool.

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We were asked to put one leg on each side
and then just look into the waterfall and

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identify what it was we were reclaiming.

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And it wasn't until that moment that I
realized that with my infertility, with

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the, um, the identity of wanting to be a
mother and not being given the chance to

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be a mother in the way that I imagined I
would be, the way most women in a natural

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state just get pregnant and have a baby.

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I didn't realize how very
violated I felt at having had that

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opportunity taken away from me.

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And even at this point,
I had had my children.

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I have three sons, I have three children
and I have, I'm a parent, I'm a mom.

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But in that moment I realized how
much that transcript, Separate from

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parenthood, that had been taken from me.

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That that felt like a violation.

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And that the flow of blood in
a typical healthy menstrual

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cycle was also taken from me.

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It's interesting about that is, when
I was a teenager, going through, like,

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the maturation classes and things
that you take and they talk about,

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you know, what, what a woman's body
is going to do, I was terrified.

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I was not somebody who was
looking forward to that.

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I was like, oh no, I can't believe that
women have to go through that every month.

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And yet, when I was no longer able, my
body was not able to do that anymore,

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I didn't realize the grief that I
would feel at having that taken away.

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And that moment was really
precious to me, really sacred.

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And I'm sharing that publicly because
I feel it is so important for everyone

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Whether you're a man, a woman, whether
you want to have children or don't

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want to have children, whether you're
a mother or not a mother, whatever it

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is, I think it's important for us to
hear each other's experiences and to

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normalize that and to make it okay and
to know that whatever it is you are

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going through, you're not alone in that.

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So for me, that was very sacred
to be able to stand in that moment

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and say, this was taken from me.

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This, this particular path to
motherhood was taken from me.

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It wasn't my choice and it was a
violation and an injustice and now I

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get to feel that, express that, and
reclaim my role, my own sovereignty in

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motherhood or in whatever that looks like.

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So we're going to talk a little bit
more about, uh, mother wounds and

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what that means and what that looks
like, especially in healing work.

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But first I am going to Turn the time
over, if that's not too triggering

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for some people who know that phrase
from certain cultures and groups.

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I am going to turn the time over to the
episode that I recorded with Jen and

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listen to what it was like to, um, to
process that identity of motherhood when

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When also processing the infertility,
being a barren woman, if, if you will.

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Hello, welcome to the Let
Yourself Bloom podcast.

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I am so excited to be here with Courtney.

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Welcome.

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Hi!

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I have had Courtney before on my
AS for Adversity podcast and I

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am excited to have her back for
the Let Yourself Bloom podcast.

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Today we will be talking
about all things motherhood,

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infertility, and the journey there.

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So I like to ask guests a question and I
have a special deck that I pull it from.

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We've done this at DBC a couple times,
but it's just a table topics question.

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And so I pulled it this morning
knowing that we were going to be

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doing this interview and I really
was channeling my inner Courtney

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when you pull your tarot cards.

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And so I, I felt the deck and I was.

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Trying to get it to the right one.

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And it says, why are some people
able to overcome adversity?

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And so I thought that was so important
for today because we are talking about

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infertility and the struggles there.

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And then just as a nod to my previous
podcast, but what are your thoughts?

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Why do you think some people
are able to overcome it?

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And then other people, it seems like
they're kind of succumbed by it.

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This is such a great question because
it really applies to a lot of the

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healing work that I do with clients
and with, um, we're doing emotional

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and energy healing, um, and partnering
it with also the neuroscience around

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what people's brains are doing when
they're developing, when they're young.

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I think that Whether they make sense or
not, we come up with ways of handling

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things that we bump up against, right?

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So what I explain, um, and I just was
able to do last week, our first class

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in our full moon course, which we were
able to kind of talk about how when

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you're, young, even in the womb, you're
already developing these neural pathways

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that are trying to get a need met.

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And it's really just about chemical needs,
but those chemical needs are reinforced

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with like these basic human needs.

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We all want, we all want
some certainty and control.

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Um, we feel safe when we feel like
we know what's going to happen.

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Uh, we all want love and connection
in some way, shape or form.

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However, we develop
that way of getting it.

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And you know, it partners
with that oxytocin that our

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chemical brain is getting.

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So I think that, you know, when,
when asking a question, like, why

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do some people are able to do this?

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And some people are not, some
people bump up against something.

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Um, I'm reminded of a book and I can't for
the life of me, remember right now what

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book it is, but we'll just have to find
it later and put it in the show notes.

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It was a book about someone who was
in a, like, prisoner of war camp

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for seven years, I want to say, and
he, all of these other soldiers that

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were captured were like, going crazy.

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Like they were in really awful
conditions and secluded and like it

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was not at all pleasant place to be.

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Some of them were tortured and
for whatever reason, some of them

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were just like mentally broken.

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Like they were not even who they
were when they came back out of it.

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It really was a difficult situation.

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And he thrived in the same
environment that they were all.

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And that's not to say that there
are some people that are like, Oh,

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you're stronger than everyone else.

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It's to say that like, The way he changed
his neural pathways to be able to seek

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his chemical needs, he changed what was
within rather than being able to change

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the circumstances he was in, right?

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So he was still able to figure out
a way to meet a need of love and

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connection, of certainty and control,
of variety, uh, which is like the

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endorphins, um, all of those basic
human needs that I teach about.

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Somehow he was still able to convince
his brain he was gonna get those, or

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he was still getting them, even when he
wasn't, by just changing perspective.

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So that he was able to go through
seven years as a prisoner of war, and

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still be able to come out of it like, I
thrived in it, I grew, I was different.

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Better for it.

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So yeah, that's Viktor Frankl, man.

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Search for meaning.

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Oh, thank you.

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Yes, so true.

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I love his quote and we
always need this reminder.

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So I just want to read it.

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Between stimulus and
response, there is a space.

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In that space is our power
to choose our response.

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In our response lies our
growth and our freedom.

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And I just love that because
it's in that little space.

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And sometimes we don't even notice
that space, but as we slow down

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and identify it, you're right.

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That's where our power is to
change those neural pathways.

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I'll leave it to you, Jen.

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You knew the book, you
know it, you got it.

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00:17:00,556 --> 00:17:01,626
Thank you so much.

218
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,346
I do kind of like quotes.

219
00:17:03,346 --> 00:17:09,766
Okay, well let's talk about
your journey through adversity.

220
00:17:09,866 --> 00:17:14,866
So talk to us about your experience with
infertility and how you went through

221
00:17:14,866 --> 00:17:18,736
that, the outcomes, the personal,
the internal, external, all of it.

222
00:17:18,736 --> 00:17:19,526
I want to hear about it.

223
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:23,596
Yeah, and thank you so much for giving me
this opportunity to speak about it because

224
00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:28,406
it really is something I'm so passionate
about and so many people struggle

225
00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:33,286
when we talk about like our identity
as motherhood and what that is like.

226
00:17:33,396 --> 00:17:38,376
I, I hope that what I have to
share today will help people who

227
00:17:38,376 --> 00:17:39,986
go through something like that.

228
00:17:40,076 --> 00:17:41,186
Lots of people do.

229
00:17:41,236 --> 00:17:44,286
I mean, it's just part
of the human experience.

230
00:17:44,286 --> 00:17:47,786
There's a lot of people struggling
with wanting to be a mother and then

231
00:17:47,786 --> 00:17:52,426
for whatever reason, physiological
reasons or, or circumstances, they're

232
00:17:52,426 --> 00:17:54,376
not able to have that experience.

233
00:17:55,676 --> 00:17:56,906
That was what I was facing.

234
00:17:56,916 --> 00:18:02,026
I went through, um, so this is the
way I kind of like to explain it.

235
00:18:02,046 --> 00:18:08,306
When I was younger and, you know, uh,
a teenager and really not soon after

236
00:18:08,306 --> 00:18:09,596
that, that I was getting married.

237
00:18:09,636 --> 00:18:10,386
I was very young.

238
00:18:10,386 --> 00:18:11,816
I was 19 when I got married.

239
00:18:12,506 --> 00:18:17,286
So during those like early married years,
I knew I was too young to even think

240
00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:22,336
about having children yet, but I was very
much like, that's my whole worldview.

241
00:18:22,566 --> 00:18:26,266
Was that's what I, that's what.

242
00:18:26,726 --> 00:18:28,986
drove every decision that I made.

243
00:18:29,036 --> 00:18:32,956
That was what, um, I like to think
of it as like, if I was driving in a

244
00:18:32,956 --> 00:18:36,346
car, it was my view from every window.

245
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:39,676
My entire windshield was, this is my life.

246
00:18:39,836 --> 00:18:42,256
If I'm going to be a mother, right?

247
00:18:42,276 --> 00:18:44,196
Like I'm, that's just
the way it's going to be.

248
00:18:44,836 --> 00:18:48,456
And it was when I was 26.

249
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:53,726
Um, and honestly, we weren't even really
at that point ready to have children.

250
00:18:53,726 --> 00:18:57,306
We weren't thinking about like,
oh, let's try to start our family.

251
00:18:57,316 --> 00:18:59,246
It was just kind of circumstances.

252
00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:02,726
And like, obviously I knew something
wasn't quite right with my body.

253
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:05,226
So going to the doctor and being
like, well, what's going on?

254
00:19:06,266 --> 00:19:12,096
And letting me know that I had FSH
levels that were way too high and

255
00:19:12,216 --> 00:19:16,176
that, you know, they, they said, um,
I don't know, you're kind of like in

256
00:19:16,176 --> 00:19:20,226
perimenopause Your ovaries are failing.

257
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:24,616
It's what they kind of used to call early
menopause, but really it was just, uh,

258
00:19:24,656 --> 00:19:26,546
they call it now like ovarian failure.

259
00:19:27,406 --> 00:19:31,256
And they're like, we don't know
why, but, um, it would be very, very

260
00:19:31,256 --> 00:19:33,206
difficult for you to be able to conceive.

261
00:19:33,246 --> 00:19:37,746
And I mean, it was, it was like taking
that whole windshield, that whole

262
00:19:37,956 --> 00:19:42,826
view of my future, everything I had,
I had gone to school, gone to college.

263
00:19:43,106 --> 00:19:47,506
To become a teacher thinking this
was a good career for motherhood.

264
00:19:47,546 --> 00:19:52,976
This is maybe what I could also
raise children and be a teacher,

265
00:19:52,986 --> 00:19:54,176
elementary school teacher.

266
00:19:54,196 --> 00:19:58,046
I mean, I made all these choices
because I was like, this is

267
00:19:58,046 --> 00:19:59,336
what I want more than anything.

268
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:03,306
And that was like taking that
windshield and just like putting

269
00:20:03,756 --> 00:20:08,766
a build shattering spiderweb crack
in it and being like, now what?

270
00:20:11,046 --> 00:20:12,566
And that's really devastating.

271
00:20:12,576 --> 00:20:15,466
I mean, that is really, a lot
of women know that feeling.

272
00:20:15,466 --> 00:20:20,526
A lot of people know that feeling of like
everything I thought was going to happen.

273
00:20:22,116 --> 00:20:23,076
Now, what do we do?

274
00:20:24,136 --> 00:20:27,126
And I didn't really go into looking
at like, well, what, what's going

275
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:30,546
on with my body or whether I
could do other things like IVF.

276
00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:34,876
I mean, we were so young and we were
just starting out in our careers.

277
00:20:34,886 --> 00:20:37,386
It was like, we don't
have the money to do that.

278
00:20:37,416 --> 00:20:40,906
And even like all of the things that I

279
00:20:44,436 --> 00:20:48,386
I know a lot of women have that situation
as well, because you're like, I'm looking

280
00:20:48,386 --> 00:20:53,716
into things, I'm getting tests done,
and the bills come back and insurance

281
00:20:53,716 --> 00:20:59,116
won't cover this or that, or, um, I was
denied insurance before all this because

282
00:20:59,116 --> 00:21:04,691
my Menstrual cycle was a little off and
we were trying to get private insurance.

283
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:06,681
So at that point, that's all it took.

284
00:21:07,571 --> 00:21:10,241
I hope we're in a situation
now where things are different.

285
00:21:10,241 --> 00:21:13,191
But at that point in time, it
was like, the insurance was

286
00:21:13,201 --> 00:21:14,861
like, no, we will not cover you.

287
00:21:14,861 --> 00:21:17,591
You admitted to having
irregular menstrual cycle.

288
00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:19,121
We don't know what that could mean.

289
00:21:19,381 --> 00:21:20,471
We don't want to cover that.

290
00:21:21,861 --> 00:21:24,111
So it was just like, bam, done.

291
00:21:24,191 --> 00:21:29,661
And I, I mean, how can you not feel a
little bit broken and a little bit like.

292
00:21:30,791 --> 00:21:32,541
I guess there's something
really wrong with me.

293
00:21:32,561 --> 00:21:38,146
I guess that what I was meant to be,
or what I thought I was meant to be.

294
00:21:38,786 --> 00:21:43,186
Maybe that's not, or there's
something just inherently

295
00:21:43,196 --> 00:21:44,696
wrong with me or broken about.

296
00:21:44,706 --> 00:21:47,556
There's a lot of shame
wrapped around that, right?

297
00:21:48,946 --> 00:21:53,296
And if you know anything about
energy work, um, shame is the lowest

298
00:21:53,296 --> 00:21:56,596
vibrating emotion on the energy scale.

299
00:21:56,806 --> 00:22:00,606
So when you carry shame, that's heavy.

300
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:07,566
That's hard on the body, you know,
and all of the, all of the lovely

301
00:22:07,566 --> 00:22:11,956
side effects of that, including
like my physical symptoms and stuff.

302
00:22:12,066 --> 00:22:17,146
So, yeah, it was literally
like a deconstruction of.

303
00:22:17,721 --> 00:22:20,251
Everything I thought I was going
to be, everything I thought my

304
00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:24,831
identity was wrapped around,
I had to completely let it go.

305
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:30,241
And I wasn't going to go looking at
like IVF for what sort of different

306
00:22:30,721 --> 00:22:32,641
options we had at that point in time.

307
00:22:32,641 --> 00:22:34,251
It was like, we don't have the money.

308
00:22:34,491 --> 00:22:36,301
We don't, we don't have the insurance.

309
00:22:36,331 --> 00:22:38,871
We don't have the, like, it's
just not a possibility for us.

310
00:22:40,081 --> 00:22:44,211
So we just had to wait and
see what was going to happen.

311
00:22:44,251 --> 00:22:52,536
And, um, And I went through a very painful
healing process of being able to say,

312
00:22:52,586 --> 00:22:59,926
okay, what would that new life view, that
new windshield I'm looking out at, what

313
00:22:59,926 --> 00:23:05,426
would that look like if I don't have any
of what I thought I was going to have?

314
00:23:06,766 --> 00:23:11,086
What if I do not have children at
all in any way, shape, or form?

315
00:23:11,126 --> 00:23:13,946
I do not have children that
I raise and that are mine.

316
00:23:14,216 --> 00:23:17,776
I just, just see what that looks like.

317
00:23:18,956 --> 00:23:20,956
And as painful as that was.

318
00:23:21,586 --> 00:23:26,026
It was absolutely the most
wonderful thing that I could do.

319
00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:29,616
And I always recommend it to
people who are going through

320
00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:31,516
a transformation of any kind.

321
00:23:32,616 --> 00:23:35,526
Because I've met people who
are in that same boat, but it's

322
00:23:35,526 --> 00:23:36,986
their career they're looking at.

323
00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:40,896
Or it's their, um, their family life.

324
00:23:40,936 --> 00:23:43,106
Their, you know, they're
going through a divorce.

325
00:23:43,106 --> 00:23:46,058
They're going through, I
mean, I call them mini deaths.

326
00:23:46,058 --> 00:23:47,674
They're little deaths of life.

327
00:23:47,674 --> 00:23:49,291
Like, we have to die.

328
00:23:50,891 --> 00:23:54,121
Or some part of us has to die,
and this is what was dying for me.

329
00:23:54,121 --> 00:23:57,091
I was, you know, looking at
motherhood in a different way, and

330
00:23:57,101 --> 00:24:00,021
how that would look in my life.

331
00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:03,131
So I thought, if I thought motherhood
was the only way that I was going to

332
00:24:03,131 --> 00:24:09,601
get fulfilled, okay, what if that's
not the only way to be fulfilled?

333
00:24:11,251 --> 00:24:14,161
And I think that's so healthy to
confront that, because like you

334
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:18,741
said, in all different areas,
People don't usually consider that.

335
00:24:18,751 --> 00:24:23,811
And if they do, then they're probably
at a better place to be open to what's

336
00:24:23,811 --> 00:24:29,211
coming next, or they could be prepared
for what's coming or even just not

337
00:24:29,211 --> 00:24:30,751
take for granted what they do have.

338
00:24:30,781 --> 00:24:33,561
Because I know that I do that in my life.

339
00:24:33,561 --> 00:24:38,591
I don't confront divorce because I don't
really want to face that or even consider

340
00:24:38,591 --> 00:24:44,091
it, but I think that would be to just be
open to, you know, just for an example.

341
00:24:44,646 --> 00:24:49,526
Yeah, because it is pretty shattering when
that whole worldview shatters in a moment.

342
00:24:50,216 --> 00:24:54,076
And I think I've had enough of those
moments in my life, um, at least

343
00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:56,526
a few, where I was facing that.

344
00:24:56,546 --> 00:25:00,676
I was facing this like, I thought my
life would look like this and I'm facing

345
00:25:00,676 --> 00:25:03,171
something that's gonna look Way different.

346
00:25:03,391 --> 00:25:08,561
And it's possible that I'm going
to have to go down that path.

347
00:25:08,561 --> 00:25:10,581
I'm going to have to
live that life instead.

348
00:25:11,421 --> 00:25:15,911
So it's like, yeah, it's not
so much negative thinking.

349
00:25:16,011 --> 00:25:19,111
Like, I know we don't want to get
into traps of like, well, I'm always

350
00:25:19,111 --> 00:25:20,541
going to think worst case scenario.

351
00:25:20,541 --> 00:25:21,921
I'm always going to think
of what's going to happen.

352
00:25:21,921 --> 00:25:28,731
But it's like, I am not going to hinder
my own personal worth on that view.

353
00:25:29,761 --> 00:25:37,451
And I think that's where the beauty of
it can come from is what if my worth and

354
00:25:37,451 --> 00:25:42,021
purpose and the way I show up in this life
looks different than I thought it did.

355
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:47,611
So if my sister has children
at that point, she didn't have

356
00:25:47,611 --> 00:25:48,651
any, she's younger than me.

357
00:25:49,071 --> 00:25:52,541
Um, I'm like, I will get
to be this amazing aunt.

358
00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:56,361
I mean, I get to show up as an
aunt in whatever way I want.

359
00:25:56,771 --> 00:25:59,881
And that is going to be so amazing too.

360
00:26:00,701 --> 00:26:04,796
And You know, I chose a career as a
teacher and I loved being a teacher and

361
00:26:04,796 --> 00:26:08,706
I was pretty good at being a teacher,
but I did choose teaching because I

362
00:26:09,076 --> 00:26:11,866
thought it would be great career for kids.

363
00:26:12,106 --> 00:26:14,116
Well, what if I didn't
have that restriction?

364
00:26:14,776 --> 00:26:19,176
What if I could go back to school,
get a master's degree or a doctorate?

365
00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:25,626
in something completely my own choice,
something that was not limited to what

366
00:26:25,626 --> 00:26:29,826
would kind of fit in the realms of,
of being a mother at the same time.

367
00:26:30,486 --> 00:26:31,556
And that was exciting.

368
00:26:31,786 --> 00:26:33,636
Like that's kind of an exciting thought.

369
00:26:34,276 --> 00:26:37,296
Um, because you know, you do
have to kind of make choices

370
00:26:37,296 --> 00:26:38,796
based on like responsibilities.

371
00:26:38,796 --> 00:26:39,086
Right.

372
00:26:39,796 --> 00:26:41,986
So I thought I don't have
to be limited to that.

373
00:26:42,026 --> 00:26:48,206
I can get a degree in art history and
then to get another degree in, and

374
00:26:48,206 --> 00:26:49,476
like, who cares about student loans?

375
00:26:49,476 --> 00:26:49,736
Right.

376
00:26:49,736 --> 00:26:55,461
Because Shoot, we could live in like
the tiniest little tiny home and

377
00:26:55,461 --> 00:26:58,821
that's fine too because we don't have
children to think about and we could

378
00:26:58,821 --> 00:27:03,731
do, you know, all of a sudden my life
started to look pretty awesome once I

379
00:27:03,731 --> 00:27:05,791
started to kind of go down that road.

380
00:27:06,901 --> 00:27:12,601
And it was only when I faced that and was
able to look at it as actually a really

381
00:27:12,871 --> 00:27:16,151
pretty amazing life that I could live.

382
00:27:17,106 --> 00:27:25,046
That we were open to the possibility
of adoption or the other choices and

383
00:27:25,046 --> 00:27:28,676
circumstances that came our way, which
ended up being embryo adoption, um,

384
00:27:28,686 --> 00:27:34,236
which was a, was a great option for us
because my, my parts were all working

385
00:27:34,246 --> 00:27:36,506
fine as long as my ovaries were involved.

386
00:27:37,636 --> 00:27:41,746
So we had to borrow some, you know,
some baby making materials from other

387
00:27:41,746 --> 00:27:43,766
people and, and be able to make.

388
00:27:44,091 --> 00:27:45,631
Um, the children that I do have.

389
00:27:45,801 --> 00:27:51,121
I mean, I, I think it was really
amazing going through some of the

390
00:27:51,121 --> 00:27:54,281
adoption trainings and workshops
we went through where they, they,

391
00:27:54,311 --> 00:28:00,601
um, counseled us on infertility and
said, you need to understand that

392
00:28:00,601 --> 00:28:02,991
parenthood does not resolve parenthood.

393
00:28:04,286 --> 00:28:09,636
the pain and the trauma and the,
you know, the feelings and emotions

394
00:28:09,636 --> 00:28:10,886
that come with infertility.

395
00:28:11,266 --> 00:28:12,746
And they're very, very true.

396
00:28:12,756 --> 00:28:14,216
That's very, very true.

397
00:28:14,226 --> 00:28:19,286
Because I have achieved, if you want to
call it that, I have achieved motherhood.

398
00:28:20,786 --> 00:28:21,396
I made it.

399
00:28:22,346 --> 00:28:23,086
I got to do it.

400
00:28:23,246 --> 00:28:26,816
I even got to be pregnant and give
birth to my twins, which is amazing.

401
00:28:26,816 --> 00:28:29,481
I mean, I'm so, So grateful for
that experience because not a lot

402
00:28:29,481 --> 00:28:32,131
of people who have struggled with
infertility get to have that.

403
00:28:32,861 --> 00:28:34,101
I'm very grateful.

404
00:28:34,561 --> 00:28:41,511
And maybe even that experience of facing
infertility has made that, um, even

405
00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:45,721
more amazing for me, or it was just
something I could experience and be like.

406
00:28:45,921 --> 00:28:47,071
I mean, I really relished it.

407
00:28:47,131 --> 00:28:48,771
I was, I loved being pregnant.

408
00:28:48,811 --> 00:28:50,961
I loved the whole experience of it.

409
00:28:50,961 --> 00:28:52,981
I was just like, on cloud nine.

410
00:28:53,321 --> 00:28:58,741
Nothing could deter me from
just soaking in all the love and

411
00:28:58,741 --> 00:29:01,481
beautifulness of being pregnant.

412
00:29:01,521 --> 00:29:04,921
And it probably was pretty
miserable, um, physically.

413
00:29:05,651 --> 00:29:11,771
If I actually was able to remember
that part, but I think, you know, being

414
00:29:11,781 --> 00:29:16,011
facing infertility was able to give me
that gratitude and appreciation for it.

415
00:29:17,661 --> 00:29:21,041
Even though that's not always the
case, I am so grateful that it worked

416
00:29:21,041 --> 00:29:26,891
out that way for you too, but I just
want to acknowledge too that it, You

417
00:29:26,891 --> 00:29:31,191
know, I feel like some people get to
experience motherhood later in life or

418
00:29:31,211 --> 00:29:34,751
after a set of circumstances and then
they're like, Oh, well, I should be

419
00:29:34,751 --> 00:29:37,061
grateful or I should enjoy every moment.

420
00:29:37,091 --> 00:29:40,111
And I know we're going to touch on
that in a minute, as you alluded to,

421
00:29:40,111 --> 00:29:43,281
but, you know, even though it did.

422
00:29:43,926 --> 00:29:47,086
Make you more grateful, I'm sure, like
you said, that there was still all that

423
00:29:47,096 --> 00:29:48,966
infertility trauma to work through.

424
00:29:48,976 --> 00:29:51,666
So how did that experience look?

425
00:29:52,476 --> 00:29:57,846
Yeah, I, and I think this is really
important for anyone who, whether they

426
00:29:57,846 --> 00:30:02,886
go the route of adoption, foster care,
um, you know, they end up doing something

427
00:30:02,886 --> 00:30:07,506
like IVF or something like what I did,
uh, embryo, they call it embryo adoption.

428
00:30:07,516 --> 00:30:09,656
I just want to clarify
it's not actually adoption.

429
00:30:09,656 --> 00:30:12,526
It's, it's a completely different
legal process, but it's.

430
00:30:13,101 --> 00:30:15,101
For lack of a better
term, embryo adoption.

431
00:30:15,131 --> 00:30:20,981
So what we went through, the circumstances
we went through, the stories that made

432
00:30:20,991 --> 00:30:29,081
our family what it is today, um, yeah,
it's whatever circumstances that led us to

433
00:30:29,131 --> 00:30:32,606
actually being able to achieve motherhood.

434
00:30:33,326 --> 00:30:37,506
We still have to face the
reality that motherhood is hard.

435
00:30:38,706 --> 00:30:43,476
That, you know, there are moments where
I'm not super grateful to be a mom.

436
00:30:43,516 --> 00:30:46,956
I'm like really frustrated and it's hard.

437
00:30:46,996 --> 00:30:51,846
And in the healing work that I do, like
emotional healing, I always tell people

438
00:30:52,786 --> 00:31:01,786
there are no better reflections of your
triggers than children, I think, or

439
00:31:01,786 --> 00:31:03,826
partners, sometimes, sometimes spouses.

440
00:31:04,706 --> 00:31:10,506
So for that, it can be an experience of
being able to be like, um, wow, whatever

441
00:31:10,536 --> 00:31:16,266
work I needed to do, whatever healing
I needed done, it's definitely going to

442
00:31:16,266 --> 00:31:21,576
be brought up in raising my kids because
they're going to match me and they

443
00:31:21,576 --> 00:31:27,016
are going to poke at whatever buttons
and whatever sticky cells I happen to

444
00:31:27,026 --> 00:31:29,756
have, they're going to bring it out.

445
00:31:30,201 --> 00:31:35,361
So there are moments where that is going
to trigger certain things in me that

446
00:31:35,361 --> 00:31:38,831
are like, maybe I wasn't meant for this.

447
00:31:40,026 --> 00:31:45,676
Maybe the question of whether, um, and
you know, it can be a question of God or

448
00:31:45,676 --> 00:31:50,736
your spiritual higher power, it's like,
did they make me infertile for a reason?

449
00:31:51,956 --> 00:31:56,636
And that question comes up a
lot for me, like all the time,

450
00:31:56,696 --> 00:31:57,926
like every day, probably.

451
00:31:59,296 --> 00:32:01,066
That's a hard thing to face.

452
00:32:01,906 --> 00:32:04,676
So to be brought with that,
you know, again, we talk about

453
00:32:04,776 --> 00:32:06,286
like motherhood as an identity.

454
00:32:07,241 --> 00:32:14,521
It starts to really poke at you, that
question of what if I wasn't, what if

455
00:32:14,561 --> 00:32:19,501
this wasn't meant to be my identity
and I, you know, beat the odds or

456
00:32:19,501 --> 00:32:23,371
I somehow tricked the universe into
giving, giving me these lives to

457
00:32:23,371 --> 00:32:26,521
care for, and I'm just not adequate.

458
00:32:26,901 --> 00:32:31,791
I am not good enough,
because sometimes I'm not.

459
00:32:32,661 --> 00:32:36,861
I mean, I do, I do feel that
probably just as much as any mom.

460
00:32:37,581 --> 00:32:40,281
I, I think you can attest to that's not a.

461
00:32:41,016 --> 00:32:45,736
That's not like me in a vacuum feeling
that that's, uh, you know, women

462
00:32:45,736 --> 00:32:49,796
who can achieve motherhood quite
easily or happen to be very fertile.

463
00:32:50,316 --> 00:32:52,976
Um, they probably have
those same questions.

464
00:32:53,931 --> 00:32:59,251
And it's just, uh, it hits it a little
differently because I've had to face that

465
00:32:59,401 --> 00:33:04,501
physiological component of like, well,
my body actually could not have children.

466
00:33:04,601 --> 00:33:10,641
Like I am what the Old Testament would say
I'm a barren woman, or whatever they say.

467
00:33:11,961 --> 00:33:17,601
You know, and so it's like, how
much was this really my purpose?

468
00:33:18,621 --> 00:33:22,741
How much of it was maybe my upbringing
making me believe that this was my

469
00:33:22,741 --> 00:33:32,891
purpose, the social and spiritual views
on how women exist and what their purpose

470
00:33:32,891 --> 00:33:38,211
is, because that's always a component no
matter where you live, and no matter what

471
00:33:38,221 --> 00:33:42,171
church you go to, it does seem to be that
that's a topic of conversation, right?

472
00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:49,646
Well, and the last thing I wanted to touch
on was when you talked about shame being

473
00:33:49,646 --> 00:33:52,016
at the bottom of the energy vibration.

474
00:33:52,636 --> 00:33:53,906
Can you talk about that a little bit?

475
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:57,146
Cause I've been fascinated
with that recently and just the

476
00:33:57,146 --> 00:33:59,396
different emotions along that scale.

477
00:33:59,716 --> 00:34:03,246
I have been kind of researching
resentment lately and that's

478
00:34:03,246 --> 00:34:04,956
pretty low in the vibration scale.

479
00:34:04,976 --> 00:34:07,446
And then fun is a higher vibration.

480
00:34:07,446 --> 00:34:10,586
What would you, what is the
highest emotion on the scale

481
00:34:11,506 --> 00:34:12,226
or some of the highest?

482
00:34:12,996 --> 00:34:14,876
Yeah, and this comes from Power Vs.

483
00:34:14,876 --> 00:34:15,546
Force.

484
00:34:15,586 --> 00:34:16,836
Dave, uh, Dr.

485
00:34:17,616 --> 00:34:22,296
David Hawkins, I believe, uh, did,
you know, kinesiology, muscle testing,

486
00:34:22,336 --> 00:34:28,726
and with large groups of people, like,
putting emotions and even, like, points

487
00:34:28,726 --> 00:34:32,816
of view on a certain scale, and so
he gave it, like, an energy level.

488
00:34:32,846 --> 00:34:37,986
It's not the Hertz frequencies, but
you can correlate them, but it's like

489
00:34:37,996 --> 00:34:39,856
energy level, energy level of the body.

490
00:34:39,856 --> 00:34:41,306
So he just has like a calibration.

491
00:34:42,026 --> 00:34:46,436
So he has like 700 to a thousand
at the top of the scale is

492
00:34:46,466 --> 00:34:50,096
enlightenment or total authenticity.

493
00:34:50,176 --> 00:34:54,946
Like when we're able to be fully
in our most authentic selves or

494
00:34:54,946 --> 00:35:00,106
behaving completely authentically,
that would be at the very top.

495
00:35:00,146 --> 00:35:03,976
And he mentions in the book that
not many of us ever achieve that.

496
00:35:04,276 --> 00:35:04,896
There's only a.

497
00:35:05,871 --> 00:35:09,611
percentage of the population that could
ever really fully like achieve that

498
00:35:10,081 --> 00:35:15,121
even for certain moments or certain
because I think we can achieve it.

499
00:35:15,861 --> 00:35:16,971
in moments, right?

500
00:35:17,081 --> 00:35:19,141
No one can just like sustain that level.

501
00:35:19,741 --> 00:35:25,641
Um, and he kind of talks about like
ascended masters or like masters like

502
00:35:25,641 --> 00:35:32,171
Jesus and Buddha and Muhammad and like
spiritual leaders of the, of history

503
00:35:32,171 --> 00:35:33,851
that have been able to achieve that.

504
00:35:33,941 --> 00:35:36,771
Enlightenment, total authenticity.

505
00:35:38,221 --> 00:35:42,891
And then yeah, shame being at the
very bottom, um, which I want to just

506
00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:48,861
clarify is, you know, Not like guilt,
because guilt can be affected in ways

507
00:35:48,871 --> 00:35:52,961
of like, I've, I've done something
wrong, I feel guilty because of what

508
00:35:52,961 --> 00:35:57,451
I've done or how I've harmed someone
or, you know, how I've interacted

509
00:35:57,451 --> 00:35:58,981
in this situation or I've behaved.

510
00:35:59,811 --> 00:36:05,096
And shame is, lower on the
scale because it's, I am wrong.

511
00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:06,946
I am a problem.

512
00:36:06,976 --> 00:36:09,916
I am, there is something
inherently wrong with me.

513
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:14,686
And, um, and that's where that, you
know, where infertility, that can come

514
00:36:14,876 --> 00:36:19,646
at a crossroads because you feel like
if this was my purpose in life, or if

515
00:36:19,646 --> 00:36:25,316
this is how I gain worthiness, um, is
maybe being able to have children and

516
00:36:25,326 --> 00:36:30,526
being a mother, then you might carry
around a lot of shame in that I can't.

517
00:36:31,246 --> 00:36:31,956
do that.

518
00:36:32,036 --> 00:36:37,296
I, you know, for whatever reason, or
I, you know, I went through years of

519
00:36:37,306 --> 00:36:42,526
like, maybe it could still happen for
me if I do acupuncture and if I do

520
00:36:42,526 --> 00:36:47,906
this emotional healing and if I do, you
know, and I went down a lot of avenues

521
00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:53,656
and naturopathic doctors and Other
avenues to, um, it wasn't until I was

522
00:36:53,656 --> 00:36:59,216
actually doing my, uh, transfer for
my twins when we were going that route

523
00:36:59,286 --> 00:37:00,976
that they actually did an ultrasound.

524
00:37:01,006 --> 00:37:04,236
This was the very first time I had ever
done anything in that realm and, and

525
00:37:04,236 --> 00:37:07,996
they were like, Oh, you know, looks like
you don't have any eggs in your ovaries.

526
00:37:07,996 --> 00:37:09,176
And I was like, Oh.

527
00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:12,916
Well, none of those other things
would have mattered anyway then.

528
00:37:13,846 --> 00:37:16,086
I was like, I was never
going to naturally conceive.

529
00:37:16,096 --> 00:37:21,026
Like that's when it was finalized for me
was like, it wasn't going to work anyway.

530
00:37:21,026 --> 00:37:24,776
I mean, I could have done a lot
of work on myself, but if I don't

531
00:37:24,786 --> 00:37:26,116
have eggs, I don't have eggs.

532
00:37:26,186 --> 00:37:31,556
So that's just the way that's gonna,
but then there has to be that, you know,

533
00:37:31,556 --> 00:37:37,616
that, uh, acknowledgement that, yes,
it was something I couldn't control.

534
00:37:37,646 --> 00:37:38,766
It was my body.

535
00:37:39,546 --> 00:37:40,496
Um, and.

536
00:37:41,446 --> 00:37:45,276
Being able to face the like, well,
where do we find worthiness then?

537
00:37:45,346 --> 00:37:48,306
Where do we find that
we have inherent worth?

538
00:37:48,886 --> 00:37:54,196
And that it's not correspondent to
motherhood, to being able to be a

539
00:37:54,196 --> 00:37:59,066
mother, to how I show up as a mother,
um, and it, and it can translate

540
00:37:59,086 --> 00:38:01,616
into, it's not my career either.

541
00:38:02,141 --> 00:38:04,581
It's not my position in the church.

542
00:38:04,621 --> 00:38:07,331
It's not my position in my social group.

543
00:38:07,381 --> 00:38:11,221
It's not, it's not any of
these things, actually.

544
00:38:12,441 --> 00:38:15,741
That's some of the work that I do
with people now, is being able to

545
00:38:15,741 --> 00:38:17,981
say, what is it deep down inside?

546
00:38:18,101 --> 00:38:20,051
At what age were you, or what?

547
00:38:20,466 --> 00:38:23,856
You know, what happened where you
made some kind of decision where

548
00:38:23,856 --> 00:38:25,356
this was how you got your worth?

549
00:38:26,556 --> 00:38:28,956
And then when did you decide
that maybe you didn't have it?

550
00:38:29,256 --> 00:38:30,616
You didn't have worth, right?

551
00:38:31,396 --> 00:38:31,866
Yes.

552
00:38:31,886 --> 00:38:34,636
I've worked through that a lot in
therapy too, because I used to base my

553
00:38:34,636 --> 00:38:39,896
worth on accomplishments or, you know,
being the nice one or things like that.

554
00:38:39,956 --> 00:38:41,086
And so, yeah.

555
00:38:41,406 --> 00:38:43,806
You've opened our eyes
to a lot of things today.

556
00:38:43,806 --> 00:38:48,246
So thank you for just bringing this
conversation of openness and, you

557
00:38:48,246 --> 00:38:53,806
know, just not being set on outcomes
or set on, like you said, our one

558
00:38:53,816 --> 00:38:57,616
thing that's going to prove our
worth or, you know, just being open

559
00:38:57,616 --> 00:38:59,356
to growth experiences in general.

560
00:38:59,726 --> 00:39:02,206
So how can people work with
you if they want to learn more?

561
00:39:02,826 --> 00:39:06,316
You can find me at prism healing.

562
00:39:06,626 --> 00:39:07,246
com.

563
00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:12,326
That's P R I S M, as in
colors and rainbow colors.

564
00:39:12,796 --> 00:39:15,176
I have to clarify because it
sounds like I'm saying prison.

565
00:39:15,586 --> 00:39:16,346
It's not prison.

566
00:39:16,646 --> 00:39:18,446
It's prism healing.

567
00:39:18,916 --> 00:39:21,046
Um, and you can, yeah,
you can find my website.

568
00:39:21,046 --> 00:39:22,376
I'm also on Instagram.

569
00:39:23,171 --> 00:39:26,631
Facebook and TikTok.

570
00:39:26,811 --> 00:39:31,571
So if you search Courtney Pearl and
Prism Healing, that's when I do the

571
00:39:31,571 --> 00:39:36,301
work with people to help them dive deep
into those really difficult topics.

572
00:39:37,261 --> 00:39:37,741
Great.

573
00:39:37,761 --> 00:39:38,621
Thank you so much.

574
00:39:38,621 --> 00:39:38,801
Yeah.

575
00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:41,891
We will link that in the show
notes and I just really want to

576
00:39:41,901 --> 00:39:44,681
commend you for doing the healing
work that you are in the world.

577
00:39:44,711 --> 00:39:49,391
And I know I have personally
benefited from it.

578
00:39:49,551 --> 00:39:50,851
Thank you so much for having me on.

579
00:39:51,211 --> 00:39:51,961
Yes.

580
00:39:53,784 --> 00:39:59,704
And there you have it, my
episode with Jen was fantastic.

581
00:39:59,754 --> 00:40:03,494
It was excellent to spend some time
with her and to talk about these things.

582
00:40:03,534 --> 00:40:07,354
And I just want to shout out again,
a big thank you to Jen for having

583
00:40:07,354 --> 00:40:10,374
me on the show, even though it
was me reaching out to her saying,

584
00:40:10,384 --> 00:40:11,854
please let me be on your show.

585
00:40:13,064 --> 00:40:16,534
I just want to thank you for the
opportunity and for letting me talk about

586
00:40:16,534 --> 00:40:18,734
something that is so very precious to me.

587
00:40:19,154 --> 00:40:23,084
Um, my role as a mother
and how that came to be.

588
00:40:24,024 --> 00:40:31,224
And what that means for people like
me who experience this sort of grief

589
00:40:31,224 --> 00:40:36,944
and loss at what it feels like to,
to have what you thought you were

590
00:40:36,944 --> 00:40:39,934
going to have or the experience you
thought you were going to have not be

591
00:40:39,934 --> 00:40:40,984
what you thought it was going to be.

592
00:40:41,634 --> 00:40:48,234
Um, I think for anyone out there who's
experiencing that, uh, know that you are

593
00:40:48,234 --> 00:40:51,894
not alone and that there are many ways.

594
00:40:52,454 --> 00:40:57,404
to navigate life when you have
such a deep and profound loss.

595
00:40:58,734 --> 00:41:02,164
And then I also want to touch on
before we finish today's episode.

596
00:41:03,429 --> 00:41:10,469
I want to touch on the mother wound
because the time that I spent in England

597
00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:18,289
and some of the rituals and ceremonies
and sacred sites that I went to were along

598
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:21,079
the theme of motherhood and mother wounds.

599
00:41:22,159 --> 00:41:29,279
And that for many of my clients, and
myself included, we have and can have

600
00:41:29,309 --> 00:41:33,819
such deep love and respect for our
mothers, our own mothers who raised

601
00:41:33,819 --> 00:41:38,969
us, and yet still suffer with whatever
a mother wound would look like for us.

602
00:41:39,889 --> 00:41:45,629
For many of us, we're battling things
like our mother, our own mother, was a

603
00:41:45,679 --> 00:41:51,919
person too and made mistakes even as they
were trying their best to love us and

604
00:41:51,919 --> 00:41:54,299
to raise us the best way they knew how.

605
00:41:55,259 --> 00:41:59,449
When I have clients come for an
emotional process session, I will often

606
00:42:01,619 --> 00:42:07,229
have to clarify or give permission
for them to be angry at their

607
00:42:07,229 --> 00:42:13,229
mothers and fathers for whatever
may have happened in their raising.

608
00:42:14,779 --> 00:42:20,239
And for me, this, it can be sometimes,
you know, just being an oldest daughter.

609
00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:28,984
Uh, was I was my parents first go at being
a parent and I have wonderful parents.

610
00:42:29,054 --> 00:42:33,004
I have parents that loved me
very much and who gave me a

611
00:42:33,004 --> 00:42:34,704
life that I'm very grateful for.

612
00:42:34,754 --> 00:42:38,829
And really, really, truly did their best.

613
00:42:40,039 --> 00:42:48,529
And yet, as imperfect people can be
imperfect, there was, um, and expectations

614
00:42:48,569 --> 00:42:56,646
and criticisms that I had to endure or,
um, I don't know if endure is the right

615
00:42:56,646 --> 00:43:04,568
word, but like I had to work on myself
so that I could learn to love myself.

616
00:43:04,568 --> 00:43:05,034
And.

617
00:43:07,334 --> 00:43:12,564
That's part of my healing journey
and it is a very common theme for

618
00:43:12,564 --> 00:43:15,084
just about anybody who's coming
and doing a session with me.

619
00:43:15,414 --> 00:43:18,824
If we're going to be going back to
early childhood and to early childhood

620
00:43:18,854 --> 00:43:25,174
ages and working on suppressed anger or
burden or generational healing, there are

621
00:43:25,204 --> 00:43:30,984
going to be things about their mothers
that they're going to need to address.

622
00:43:31,449 --> 00:43:35,289
Sometimes it's, it's anger at their
mothers, even when their mothers were

623
00:43:35,289 --> 00:43:40,529
just doing their best, just living their
best life and just trying really hard to

624
00:43:40,529 --> 00:43:42,889
survive whatever they were going through.

625
00:43:44,699 --> 00:43:48,339
But that does not negate or

626
00:43:51,439 --> 00:43:57,839
doesn't cover up or excuse whatever the
child self wants or needs to express.

627
00:43:58,639 --> 00:44:00,009
I'll just give a quick example.

628
00:44:00,169 --> 00:44:04,089
Um, for some clients, when they're
doing a session with me, they may have

629
00:44:04,089 --> 00:44:07,639
suppressed anger at their mother for
not paying enough attention to them.

630
00:44:08,449 --> 00:44:12,809
So, um, I've had clients where in a
session, they'll say something like, um,

631
00:44:12,899 --> 00:44:17,479
I remember my mom being so busy because
she just had a new baby because we just

632
00:44:17,489 --> 00:44:21,579
moved because we were building a house
because we were You know, whatever,

633
00:44:21,579 --> 00:44:22,749
whatever, whatever, all the reasons.

634
00:44:23,349 --> 00:44:26,279
But they're like, oh yeah, I remember,
I remember just wanting to get her

635
00:44:26,279 --> 00:44:31,469
attention, trying to ask her for
something or have her play with me.

636
00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:33,209
And she said, no, I'm busy.

637
00:44:34,079 --> 00:44:37,249
Now, any mother in the history of
the planet would listen to that

638
00:44:37,269 --> 00:44:38,799
and go, well, yeah, of course.

639
00:44:38,839 --> 00:44:39,779
I mean, we're busy.

640
00:44:39,789 --> 00:44:40,469
We're busy.

641
00:44:40,499 --> 00:44:41,249
Moms are busy.

642
00:44:41,379 --> 00:44:41,539
Okay.

643
00:44:41,539 --> 00:44:42,599
We've got a lot going on.

644
00:44:42,699 --> 00:44:45,259
We can't just stop everything and
play with our kids all the time.

645
00:44:46,139 --> 00:44:47,449
And that's perfectly reasonable.

646
00:44:47,559 --> 00:44:49,799
Nobody is saying that you have
to do that to be a good mother.

647
00:44:50,069 --> 00:44:58,389
But what matters is what the
child in the session, my client,

648
00:44:58,429 --> 00:45:00,959
what their child self felt.

649
00:45:01,774 --> 00:45:05,274
That is what needs to
be felt and expressed.

650
00:45:05,634 --> 00:45:09,054
The wounds are what they felt about it.

651
00:45:10,414 --> 00:45:12,634
It's not whether or not
mom was right or wrong.

652
00:45:13,134 --> 00:45:15,984
It's just how did the child feel?

653
00:45:16,804 --> 00:45:20,834
And if they felt that way, what maybe did
they start to believe about themselves?

654
00:45:21,934 --> 00:45:26,244
Because there may have been some attached
belief systems that came from that.

655
00:45:26,254 --> 00:45:27,904
Like, I'm not lovable.

656
00:45:28,144 --> 00:45:29,614
Or I'm not good enough.

657
00:45:30,224 --> 00:45:32,214
to get my mom's attention,
to have her love.

658
00:45:34,034 --> 00:45:38,604
So a lot of the healing work that
I do is healing mother wounds.

659
00:45:39,354 --> 00:45:43,914
And I remember this one moment
when we went inside the earth,

660
00:45:44,174 --> 00:45:47,984
we were inside one of the burrows
where they had, um, burials.

661
00:45:48,184 --> 00:45:53,204
Um, the ancient people, pre Celtic times,
they would bury their dead in these

662
00:45:53,224 --> 00:45:55,294
burrows and they had these little rooms.

663
00:45:55,744 --> 00:46:00,094
So it would be like dug into a hill or
the hill would be made around it, but

664
00:46:00,094 --> 00:46:05,444
it would be in a little opening and
then you would have these little rooms.

665
00:46:06,244 --> 00:46:09,744
And one of them we went to was
actually in the shape of a woman.

666
00:46:09,824 --> 00:46:13,194
Uh, I don't know if that was intentional,
but we thought it was interesting

667
00:46:13,204 --> 00:46:17,424
that the opening or the hole is
like where a woman would give birth.

668
00:46:17,704 --> 00:46:20,334
And when you go into the
burrow, there was these little

669
00:46:20,344 --> 00:46:22,734
rooms that looked like a head.

670
00:46:23,254 --> 00:46:24,774
arms and legs.

671
00:46:25,564 --> 00:46:28,674
So you could go in and you could
go into these little rooms.

672
00:46:29,024 --> 00:46:31,624
These rooms used to have human remains.

673
00:46:31,684 --> 00:46:35,544
These, they have been excavated, but
now people can go in and, and, and

674
00:46:35,544 --> 00:46:37,294
just be inside and experience that.

675
00:46:39,054 --> 00:46:45,294
And one of the times, uh, our leader had
asked us, um, to go in there and spend

676
00:46:45,294 --> 00:46:49,954
some time in there and just imagine that
we were in the womb of mother earth.

677
00:46:50,684 --> 00:46:51,884
And what that would feel like.

678
00:46:53,794 --> 00:46:57,514
And I remember doing that and
thinking, um, I had seen little

679
00:46:57,524 --> 00:47:02,984
flowers and little offerings on the
rocks inside those Those little tombs.

680
00:47:03,734 --> 00:47:08,494
And I thought, oh people have come
and left offerings to the Goddess.

681
00:47:10,234 --> 00:47:11,594
And I didn't bring anything.

682
00:47:12,854 --> 00:47:18,514
And I felt so guilty and so like,
ugh, why didn't I think of that?

683
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,274
Why didn't I think to bring something?

684
00:47:20,284 --> 00:47:24,034
Just something to honor Mother
Earth and to just give my gratitude

685
00:47:24,094 --> 00:47:25,834
and to show up with something.

686
00:47:26,124 --> 00:47:28,364
I never I never think to do that.

687
00:47:28,424 --> 00:47:29,794
I'm not a gift giving person.

688
00:47:29,794 --> 00:47:32,804
It's not really my, my
thing, but I felt guilty.

689
00:47:33,724 --> 00:47:39,614
And then I felt this very powerful, loving
energy that told me deep in my heart.

690
00:47:40,604 --> 00:47:42,144
Why do you always do that?

691
00:47:42,254 --> 00:47:45,154
Why do you always think
you didn't do enough?

692
00:47:45,414 --> 00:47:46,854
You never think you're enough.

693
00:47:48,054 --> 00:47:51,764
And then this loving energy that
made me feel like you came and

694
00:47:51,764 --> 00:47:54,894
you sang a song as an offering.

695
00:47:55,639 --> 00:47:57,089
Which we had done earlier.

696
00:47:57,089 --> 00:48:02,819
We had sung and chanted together
as a group, and that was enough.

697
00:48:03,189 --> 00:48:04,029
You're enough.

698
00:48:04,169 --> 00:48:05,659
What you brought is enough.

699
00:48:06,809 --> 00:48:09,309
And that's not something
I'm used to hearing.

700
00:48:09,959 --> 00:48:14,979
Not from my mother or from
myself or anyone really.

701
00:48:14,989 --> 00:48:19,809
So I just, I started crying because
it was exactly what I needed to hear.

702
00:48:19,869 --> 00:48:22,139
It was healing a mother wound I had.

703
00:48:22,619 --> 00:48:26,129
So here it was just saying, you're enough.

704
00:48:26,299 --> 00:48:27,219
You're doing enough.

705
00:48:27,229 --> 00:48:28,269
You are enough.

706
00:48:28,289 --> 00:48:29,709
You've given enough.

707
00:48:30,229 --> 00:48:31,839
What you gave was enough.

708
00:48:33,629 --> 00:48:34,939
And that was really powerful.

709
00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:42,529
So I would invite you listeners, my
magic wizards and witches who are

710
00:48:42,529 --> 00:48:48,429
listening today, I would invite you
that as mothers or as someone with

711
00:48:48,429 --> 00:48:53,319
a mother, that you do the work of
deconstructing what mother means to you.

712
00:48:54,479 --> 00:48:59,919
What is it that the needs are that you
need met from the mother, whether it's

713
00:49:00,709 --> 00:49:04,854
a heavenly mother, whether it's, It
would have been your mother who raised

714
00:49:04,854 --> 00:49:12,364
you, or the expectations you would
have had that did not get fulfilled.

715
00:49:12,929 --> 00:49:16,319
And that you are now
trying to fulfill yourself.

716
00:49:17,139 --> 00:49:21,849
And this awareness and this
healing work is all about that.

717
00:49:21,889 --> 00:49:26,289
It's all about being aware of what
it is we need, and then working

718
00:49:26,289 --> 00:49:27,649
on getting it for ourselves.

719
00:49:28,269 --> 00:49:30,894
Not expecting other people to do
it for us, but actually feeling it.

720
00:49:31,174 --> 00:49:33,114
Finding the ways to get our needs met.

721
00:49:34,744 --> 00:49:38,794
And as always, if you need help in
that department, I highly recommend

722
00:49:38,884 --> 00:49:43,814
seeing a facilitator like myself
who can help you with that work.

723
00:49:44,214 --> 00:49:46,944
So if you're thinking to yourself,
I don't even know where to begin.

724
00:49:47,254 --> 00:49:49,864
I know I have mother wounds,
but I don't know what they are.

725
00:49:49,864 --> 00:49:53,644
And I don't even know where to
begin looking at that for myself.

726
00:49:54,474 --> 00:49:56,884
I'm going to ask you to
please reach out to me.

727
00:49:57,504 --> 00:49:59,414
This is why I do what I do.

728
00:49:59,744 --> 00:50:04,754
And this is why healers like me do what
we do because we have been working hard

729
00:50:04,754 --> 00:50:09,724
at healing and we know what that feels
like and we couldn't do it alone either.

730
00:50:10,474 --> 00:50:14,564
So if you need some help in that,
please reach out to me and you can

731
00:50:14,564 --> 00:50:18,704
find me on my website, prism healing.

732
00:50:19,174 --> 00:50:19,724
com.

733
00:50:20,294 --> 00:50:21,904
P R I S M.

734
00:50:23,509 --> 00:50:24,209
Healing.

735
00:50:24,949 --> 00:50:30,569
com and you can see there on my main
page of my website all of the services

736
00:50:30,569 --> 00:50:34,999
that I offer, but I highly recommend
the integrative processing technique,

737
00:50:35,109 --> 00:50:36,589
which is emotional processing.

738
00:50:37,189 --> 00:50:40,939
That is what's really going to
probably cut to the core of what

739
00:50:40,939 --> 00:50:42,589
is it that you need to work.

740
00:50:42,874 --> 00:50:47,554
on and what is buried maybe in
your past or your subconscious.

741
00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:53,234
I would also like to invite you to look
for me on Instagram prism underscore

742
00:50:53,234 --> 00:50:55,874
healing on tiktok prism healing.

743
00:50:56,704 --> 00:51:00,364
And on Facebook, Courtney
Pearl's Prism Healing.

744
00:51:01,254 --> 00:51:04,654
And if you've liked this episode or
any of the episodes that I have done

745
00:51:04,654 --> 00:51:12,094
on Practically Magic, I would please
ask you to follow, subscribe or share

746
00:51:12,134 --> 00:51:13,704
your favorite episode with a friend.

747
00:51:13,744 --> 00:51:17,374
It will help us to be able to make
more episodes and more content for you.

748
00:51:17,724 --> 00:51:21,274
And it will make sure that when there's
new episodes out, you will get notified.

749
00:51:21,774 --> 00:51:23,564
So please like, follow, and share.

750
00:51:24,514 --> 00:51:29,864
And until next time, go make
magic, witches and wizards.