Exploring Codependency and Self-Discovery w/ Brenda Kradolfer

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Hello and welcome to Practically Magick.

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I am your host, Courtney Pearl.

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I am a pagan folk witch, card reader, healer, spiritualist, Celtic priestess, teacher, artist, and mystic seeker.

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I'm here Discovering true Magick and wish to share that with you.

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Today, we are going to have a guest on Brenda Krijalver, who is a relationship coach.

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In our last episode, we went over some of the healing aspects and awarenesses around codependency patterns.

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And I've invited her on today to help us talk a little bit more about that and relationships and hopefully even a little bit of Magick and how that plays a part in your, um, relationships coming into romance, coming into, um, how to navigate a marriage, how to make a marriage last, things like that.

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But before I have her on, I'm going to start with our typical, uh, routine.

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Ritual, which is to pull a card for the episode.

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And I'm using my true heart deck today.

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And I've already got it shuffled a few times here.

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I'm going to go through.

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All right.

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Today's card that I have pulled is the high priestess, which I love that this is what came up because it seems like every time I have a guest or an expert in some capacity, um, usually, uh, so far they've been women.

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I am.

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so pleased that a goddess or a priestess or an empress has been kind of the central focus of the card pulling for their episodes.

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And that is completely the way divination works.

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It is just shuffle the cards and see what comes up.

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And, um, in this deck particularly, I love it because she has an image of the priestess sitting on the deck.

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on a moon, a crescent moon.

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And the moon is almost like a portal into another world that is like the ocean and sun and clouds.

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And in the room that the high priestess is sitting is two golden pillars on either side with ancient symbols on it.

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And she has a backdrop of stars and pomegranates.

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Um, I associate pomegranates to do with wisdom and to do with energy.

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And I think what this is saying for us today, definitely we are going to have someone who has experienced things, who has come to some awarenesses about those experiences and really truly wants to share that with the world, her knowledge.

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Um, and it's a very feminine energy.

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So this pomegranate, pomegranate seeds are sort of an offering.

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They have a lot to do with the goddess Persephone.

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The symbology being, um, fertility and, um, kind of a Magickal sense or power that comes with being at the beginning, at the rebirth of something.

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And.

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I think that's what our topic today is going to center around a lot because it's going to talk about, um, we're going to get a chance to talk about how to revive and rebirth that part of you that, um, is kind of our maiden part.

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Um, when we're new in a relationship and it's very lovey dovey and you very much, uh, love your partner, the love is so present and so aware and so, um, kind of.

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wrapped up in your lust and your crush and your all the butterflies in your tummy and all of the things that can tend to fade after a relationship has gone on for some time and when you get to know each other and the patterns that you create together as a couple can sometimes be sabotaging and you don't even realize it and sometimes even the self healing work that goes into wanting to make your relationship better or make your relationship work, it It directs it right back at yourself.

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Whatever it is that you are looking to heal or make better, you tend to turn that mirror back around on yourself and say, well, what self reflection do I need to do? And we're going to talk a lot about this in this episode today.

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So I'm really excited because, um, I get to share with you a little bit of my experience in relationships.

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And I'm Brenda's going to share a little bit of hers and how she came to become a relationship coach.

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And, um, some of the, um, Some of the Magick in the relationships, um, making them work is more about your own personal power, especially if you are, if you happen to be a woman listening and it's you who wants to put in all of the effort and put in all of the work and says something about where we're at right now feels stuck or it feels stagnant or it feels, um, you haven't felt those butterflies in a while.

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Um, And you feel like you very much want to see your partner step up.

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Um, sometimes being able to access that feminine power and what it is that we have a part to play in all of it really can make you feel very powerful.

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Um, realizing that you cannot control your partner.

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Like maybe I thought I could.

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I'm speaking a personal experience here.

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Um, tends to do the, have the opposite effect than you want it to have.

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So we're going to talk a little bit about that today, but I love that the High Priestess card comes forward because it's kind of this mysterious, there's a lot of layers to it.

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There's even a staircase behind her that you can kind of see behind the backdrop.

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She has, um, there is a set of keys right at the And I don't think you need to be a genius to point out the symbolism there of the work being done or whatever it is you're looking to ascend to raising your vibration, being, um, maybe more of an expert in your field.

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You're going to need to take those keys yourself.

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You're going to need to step into the next portal, into the next room of your becoming.

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And the High Priestess is just a card that, um, magnifies that power, that, uh, It's, I guess the best I can describe it as the opposite of imposter syndrome, because the high priestess is sitting here with her headdress.

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with the full moon on it.

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She has robes.

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She's claiming her own sovereignty and place in as a knowledgeable, wise figure in this subject and whatever it is that we're talking about today.

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There's even beams of light shining through, like through the pillars.

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And I love that.

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Now, before we get to our guest, I want to do a little brief story time.

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I took a little bit of context from.

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Um, a story that I saw in a Buddhist, um, one of those Buddhist stories you tell to kids.

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And, um, I took this story that I found, and I'm just going to adopt it slightly for our story time today.

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So there is four animals.

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There's a hair.

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an otter, a monkey, and a jackal in the woods.

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And they have learned how to live and work together, each playing their part in the water, in, in being swift, in being predator and prey, in becoming friends.

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They have learned to use the space around them and accommodate one another and live peacefully.

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And this is so grand and wonderful that the hare says, let's make sure that when we see other creatures through coming through the woods, we will offer our help in any way we can, because we've found prosperity.

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We have found friendship.

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We have everything we need.

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Let's make sure we share this with others.

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Let's be pass along the gratitude and pay it forward as it were.

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And so the other animals agree.

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And pretty soon there was a man walking through the woods and, um, he's very hungry.

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He's been traveling for a long time and the otter sees how hungry he is.

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And he goes and he catches fish, gets lots and lots of fish and takes it to the man and says, here, I've got you some fish.

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I noticed you were hungry.

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And the man is so grateful.

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And he says, Oh yes, this will make a perfect meal.

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wonderful dinner tonight and feed me for days, in fact.

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So he just plops those fish into his back pack and, and heads on down the woods.

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And the jackal sees this man and again, sees that he looks kind of, you know, skinny and maybe hungry.

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And so he just says, I'll go find food for this man.

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And he goes into the next, the nearest village.

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Cause he can run really fast.

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And so he runs to the nearest village and he gets some milk curd and he brings it back and he gives it to the man and says, um, I noticed you were hungry.

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Here's some food.

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And the man says, well, I just got some fish from the otter, but this is great.

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Thank you so much.

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And puts the milk in his, in his pack.

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And, um, and even partakes of some of it so that he's not as hungry and he continues on his way.

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And pretty soon he, um, he comes across the monkey and the monkey sees him again and says, Oh, this man has come through our woods.

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Um, what can I do for him? What can I, what, how, what needs Can I meet of his? Well, I think maybe I'll go get him food.

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Um, cause that's a nice thing to do.

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I like food.

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And he runs around picking bananas in the trees and gets as many bananas as he can.

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And he gives it to the man and the man says, wow, this is a lot more food than I need.

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I have fish.

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I have milk curds and I have bananas now.

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Um, I think I'll be sustained for a while.

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And this is so great.

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Thank you so much.

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Um, I probably didn't need this many bananas at this point, but I.

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You know, I'm still very grateful.

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So thank you.

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And he, he gives, he takes the bananas and he goes on his way and he doesn't say anything about not needing the bananas because it would be rude to not accept a gift.

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So he, he just takes it gratefully.

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And he goes down the woods a little bit further and he meets a hare.

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And the hare again is like, I need to do something for this man.

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Um, I wonder if I could find some food for him.

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And he goes everywhere looking for food and the hair does not really have a great way to get food.

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He finds some grass and he's like, well, I like grass, but the man probably doesn't eat grass.

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The, you know, humans don't eat grass as much as we do.

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So I, I don't really have anything to give him.

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And he gets so upset and he's worrying and stressing about this so much.

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Um, that.

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He watches the man from a distance and in the bushes and in the in the trees and kind of watches him.

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And the man starts to unpack his pack for the night, getting ready to eat something and to rest.

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And he pulls out a pot and he puts it on the fire and he's getting ready to cook his fish.

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And, uh, he's pulling out the rest of his food.

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And the hare is so focused on what he should be doing for the man.

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He gets so upset.

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He thinks Oh, I know what I can do because I know that men like to eat.

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hairs sometimes.

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Hairs will, will, they'll cook them in their pots.

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So the hare is just so focused on trying to help the man that he runs towards the campfire, getting ready to leap into the fire, getting ready to leap into the pot to sacrifice his very life so that he can give this man something that he can be the hero, that he can be, um, kind and generous and, and just as he's about to reach the pot, he feels the hands of the man grab hold of him and pull him down towards his lap.

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And the hare is a little bit confused because he thought he was going to get cooked.

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He thought he was jumping into the pot.

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And, um, he says to the man, I have nothing else to give you.

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I don't have anything for you to eat.

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I, I, I know you don't like grass.

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So I've come to give you myself and you can eat me for dinner.

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And he feels the man's hands just stroke his fur gently, and he says, Oh, kind Hare, you are so generous, and your friends in this, in this woods have been so generous.

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I have plenty to eat now.

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Thanks to your friends, and thanks to all of your generosity, I really am very satisfied with what I have to eat.

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And I wouldn't want you to give up your life for me to have something to eat.

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So, really, all I could use right now is a friend to sit by the fire with me.

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And perhaps even let me stroke your fur because you are so soft and gentle and I, I just gained so much pleasure out of just being able to pet your fur.

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And the hare realized he actually liked that too.

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That when the human pet his fur, he felt loved and, and soft and safe and, and so.

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He offered that to the man and the man was very happy and the man was able to eat and also have friends around him at the fire.

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And I tell this story to help us start our journey.

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Discussion topic on codependency and relationships because I want people to be somewhat aware that sometimes what you think someone needs or if you think dishonoring yourself to get them what they need is the right way to show up in a relationship, there might be other ways.

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There might be other Um, options for you to show love and also hold boundaries that keep you safe and to meet your needs.

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And so we're going to talk a little bit about that today in this episode.

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So I am going to prepare for having our guest on.

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Hi, and we are here with Brenda Kordolfer.

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She's a relationship coach.

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I have her on with me now.

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And so we are going to start out by talking about, Brenda, tell us a little bit about what you did to come into this line of work, becoming a relationship coach.

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Yeah.

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Thanks for having me.

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And I'm excited to be here.

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So I, so from the very beginning of my marriage, I kind of struggled.

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Like I had doubts before we even got married.

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And then I kind of pushed them all to the side cause I really wanted to get married.

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And I, you know, I had a good guy and I just didn't, I was too scared of like the unknown and this was like a known path.

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And I thought like, I like worked through a lot of stuff during that period, but then we got married.

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And everything that I thought would kind of maybe iron itself out or just kind of work magically when we got married didn't, it didn't really happen that way.

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And so, um, at first it was just like little things, like my husband would go out like golfing with a friend and I literally had no friends or anybody else that like was around us that I could even think of to hang out with.

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I'm like, he's supposed to be hanging out with me and how could he go do this? And I didn't even have those kinds of thoughts.

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It was just, I was sad and kind of like, This is not how it's supposed to be.

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Like we're each other's person now.

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Um, and just little things, like things he would say and it would just like, I just started like spinning in regret and like, Oh my gosh, I made a huge mistake.

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And so that was kind of the beginning.

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So there was like a falling out then.

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Um, and we kind of worked through it.

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And, but then those little things just like kept eating at me and like, we never had any big blowups or anything, but it was so easy for me to go to that place of like, I made a mistake and how could I have done this? And like, I would get through it and something would come along that would help me and be like, Oh, like it would give me the right perspective and things would be okay for a little while.

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But it was just like this pattern that kept on going.

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And like, if something really big came up, like.

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Big life decisions, having children, those kind of things.

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If we weren't on the same page, it was, it was challenging.

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So, so all that to say, at some point, I read this book, and I had done a lot of work on myself already.

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Um, and I had learned things and I had figured things out that made it like good.

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Our relationship was good, but I read this book once and kind of as preventative medicine, it was, it just seemed like that's what it had in it.

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And so I read that and it was so eye opening.

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And then every time after that, like anytime something would go wrong, I would go back to that and I'd be like, I know that I got to get back to that book.

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Like, I know it had the answers and, um, So eventually when I was going through some life transitions and wanting to find something that was just for me that I could do, um, I kept coming back to the idea of helping women in their marriages and, um, sharing the things that I had learned along the way.

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And so that's how I got to be a relationship coach and help married women.

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Yes.

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And you're going to talk a lot more about this.

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So you have your own podcast, right? Tell us about that first.

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Yeah, the Restored Wife podcast.

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So yeah, so far I just, I've been interviewing and chatting with some of my other friends who have also gone through one of these like journeys in their relationship, who've practiced the skills that I use.

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And so we chat kind of about the before times and then after.

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It's how it is now and, and the things that have come, like the positive results that we've had as a result of just changing the way we do things, making, you know, some of it's pretty minor, but it makes a big difference.

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Um, and yeah, I just share kind of my journey and, and other people's journeys and, and how we became like, how we went from like being martyrs to being happy wives and happy in our relationship.

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Yeah.

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And the, and I needed you to tell us about it and tell us it's called the Restored Wife because that is kind of the key to it is like restoring the wife.

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It's really, um, something that, uh, I wanted to point out in like working on relationships or working on healing is that kind of my journey and coming to a place where I understood what it would take to have a really good relationship, what it would take for us to get back to a point I wanted to be at.

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It was about looking at myself and I know our stories are a little bit similar.

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I mean, I, I relate a lot when you say like he would go out with his friends and you were like, well, what about me? My husband and I met when I was 16.

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And he was 18, just graduating college or high school.

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Sorry.

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No high school.

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Uh, I wish we were a little bit further into it and we're graduating college, but no, we were in high school and I was at a place where like, I had never really found my footing as far as friends went in social groups.

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I had some friends, but it was hard for me to feel like I really belonged anywhere.

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And.

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So when he kind of took me under his wing, he was like, um, you know, we started dating, but it was like his friends became my friends.

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And anytime he wanted to go hang out with his friends without me felt like a huge problem.

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I was just like, um, if you go hang out with your friends, then what am I supposed to do? Just sit around at home and like be alone? I feel so.

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Unfair.

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Like, um, and there was a lot of factors.

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It's kind of like brewing the perfect potion.

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If you could brew the perfect potion, all these ingredients in it, that became this codependency pattern between he and I.

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By the time we got married, when I was 19 and he was 21, it was like, we couldn't go anywhere or do anything without each other.

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It was very much like his problems are my problems.

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My problems are his problems.

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Um, you know, both of us were so wrapped up in each other.

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We didn't really know any other way to be.

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And I'm sure this is like super, uh, annoying to all of his friends who were like, um, your wife is calling you again.

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Uh, or like, you know, just situations that popped up.

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And I was like, you can't leave without me.

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You can't do things without me because I don't have anybody else to do anything with and, uh, you 20 years later, I'm the one with like more friends and more social and he's super introverted.

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And like.

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Doesn't really care to go out and hang out with people, but you never know how those things can work out.

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Right.

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It's like a flip.

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Yeah, it totally flipped.

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And I think in our journey, just coming to, um, like with his struggles, and I've talked a little bit before on this podcast about him having a struggle with addiction, uh, alcoholism, and us going through all that was a catalyst for me to be like, uh, Something just isn't working here.

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Like, with his struggles, me making them my struggles as well, or thinking that these were struggles I had to fix, or I had to wrap up in somehow, it was like this defining moment of like, look at that and see if that's really working.

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Is that really gonna work for you? If you're gonna make this about you, or make this, um, your problem to fix, how is it actually gonna work? And when I finally came to realization, because part of me was like, Hey, you know what? Our marriage is great in every other capacity, but he needs to get sober and he needs to figure this stuff out.

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And then our marriage will be good.

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Like that was our only hangup.

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And I firmly believed that for a long time.

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Like, I was like, he just needs to figure himself out and then we'll be fine.

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And, um, I mean, it may be that everything happened at once, but it wasn't until I started going, well, wait a minute.

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What about me and my part in this? And where do I find happiness and peace through my own healing journey? Despite whatever he's got going on.

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Cause he may sober up.

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He may become healthy.

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He may find his path.

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He may not.

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Um, that's a really scary thing for someone to face is to be like, he could drink himself to death.

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Like that could literally just happen.

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I, I wanted to believe that that was not going to happen, but I wanted to be like, what if and how then do I move through this marriage being okay.

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And so what I like about your program, that was kind of like a long way around to say it, but what I like about, um, I did Brenda's, um, empowered wife workshop.

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Am I saying that right? Yeah, it was called.

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Yes.

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So we did that with a group of our friends together.

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We, we did this workshop with Brenda and it was really just the focus was on us.

237
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Like how we as wives show up in our relationship and how we show up in our marriage, right? And so that's kind of the, the journey that you went on too is realizing that like all of these thoughts you were having towards your husband and like I was having the same kind of thing where I was like he just needs to fix himself to change if he would just change these things then then we could be happy or we yeah we'll be fine because I'm perfect I don't know what he's doing I'm a super good wife totally I love that too of like it's like where do I end and he begins And where does he end and where do I begin? Because I think so many of us are taught, like, when you get married, you become one.

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But what does that really mean, you know? And can you take that to, like, an unhealthy level? To where, like, you're explaining, like, a codependency situation where you can't do anything on your own and so you're really just trapped and subject to whatever they're deciding to do.

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So I love that you pulled that out too and got to this point of like, like that that wasn't going to work anymore for you to like, make his, his issues, your issues.

240
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And.

241
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Yeah.

242
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Like there, there's limits, right? To what you can even, there's not really anything you can do in that situation, right? Other than.

243
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Yeah.

244
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That's what I learned.

245
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Yeah.

246
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There's no amount of like getting mad at the person.

247
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There's no amount of, uh, manipulation or whatever I thought I was doing, whatever I thought would help, where I was like, no, I did take some space for a little while and I, I had to get to a place where I was like, this isn't punishment.

248
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Because that's kind of the way that I probably used it before was like, I won't even be around you.

249
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Yeah.

250
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But it had to be, and by the way, Al Anon is a great um, program for people who have loved ones who struggle because that was really helpful to be able to be like, Listen, there is no amount of me getting angry.

251
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There is no amount of me, um, Enabling or anything, like, just nothing.

252
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There was nothing that I could have done that would have catapulted his healing.

253
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Or made him do anything differently.

254
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Just, I had to be like, what do I have control here? And, and, you're right, it was kind of like, leaving my power up to him.

255
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Mm hmm.

256
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It's completely like, uh, handing over my personal power, my own sovereignty, and just being like, Um, you are in charge of our happiness, so get it together and let me nag you and be mean to you until you do it.

257
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Yeah, and it feels really helpful or like it will help in the moment.

258
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You know, I think a lot of us think if I nag enough or if I show him how much this hurts me, he'll change, or we yell or we give ultimatums.

259
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Because it feels like that's where, you know, that's the only thing we can do.

260
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But I love what you're saying.

261
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I think what I hear you saying is that, like, that didn't work and you had to get to a point where it was like, how am I, you know, what am I going to do next if this, if this path isn't working, if this path isn't changing him or changing our relationship? What do I, what else do I have? And like, no judgment whatsoever to anyone listening who might be going through something like that and you are literally going through those steps and stages because I think that's, that's kind of what you need to do.

262
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Honestly, you kind of need to try those things and then go, okay, so that made it worse.

263
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Right, yeah, you can like see it, you have the evidence that it didn't help.

264
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Absolutely.

265
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Yeah.

266
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And so tell us, so just briefly, like the six intimacy skills that your workshop and the book has.

267
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Yeah.

268
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So when I say intimacy skills or when you hear them and we're not, I'm not talking about like physical intimacy.

269
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Um, that's super important, but I'm just talking about like those interactions that you wouldn't have with anybody, but your spouse, the close connected, the silly conversations, like that kind of intimacy, like the fun, This is my best relationship in the world, kind of intimacy.

270
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Um, and so, so many of us aren't taught how to be successful in this relationship.

271
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It's a singular relationship, the relationship between spouses.

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We don't have this relationship with anyone else.

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And there's a lot of advice out there.

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And, um, frankly, a lot of it's bad advice.

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Um, so what's really crucial is learning how to have.

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Intimacy in this relationship.

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And it's, it looks a lot different than, than I think intuitively we might think it should look or, you know, some of the things that we hear from well meaning people about how to, you know, maybe it, maybe it's the ultimatum thing.

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Like, okay, you just got to give them the ultimatum.

279
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You got to set the boundary.

280
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And I think it's coming out a little bit more, but like, boundaries aren't about what the other person does.

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It's about what I do.

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And if I reach my limit, then this is what I do for myself, kind of a thing.

283
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So, um, the six intimacy skills really are a set of skills.

284
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They're tools that anyone can use in their relationship.

285
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There's cheat phrases, and um, so I teach those in my workshop.

286
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And we get to experiment with them and try them and see, like, this is my experience.

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And I share that.

288
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And then, then you get the opportunity to go and try it for yourself and see, see if you have similar results or what, what results you get from practicing them.

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Yeah.

290
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Is there anyone in particular that like stands out to you? Like this is one that you move to a lot or it's like your go to? Yeah, I, like, I can think of at least two.

291
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Um, the first one is self care.

292
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Just prioritizing the things that make you really, really happy.

293
00:31:22,81.5151354 --> 00:31:25,766.5437069
Um, it's so easy to skip over that part.

294
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I skipped over it when I read the book.

295
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I mean, I read through it really fast and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, get me to the part where I change my mind, you know? Um, but it's crucial.

296
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It's so critical.

297
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I was just talking to somebody today about it.

298
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Like, it feels like a luxury, but it really has to be.

299
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At least for me, like, built into my day, and into every day, or I just can't be the kind of, like, mom and wife that I want to be.

300
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Yeah.

301
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Because it's so easy to get depleted quickly.

302
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Yeah.

303
00:31:58,456.5437069 --> 00:32:11,96.5437069
And, and it, it's true for everyone, like, I, I think that it was in your workshop that bringing up self care, and, you know, anyone listening right now is going to be thinking, oh yeah, I've heard about self care for years.

304
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Like, we've all been hearing about self care all the time.

305
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Put your own oxygen mask on first, and all those things.

306
00:32:17,871.5437069 --> 00:32:22,81.4437069
And, but first, you do kind of gloss over it, because you're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

307
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I'm told this all the time.

308
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We know, we know.

309
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Self care.

310
00:32:25,211.5437069 --> 00:32:42,701.5437069
But I think when you taught us that, um, I think the moment it changed for me was realizing that when you start to feel resentful, when you start to feel irritable, and you start to feel like these tiny humans, and this grown up.

311
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adult human that I'm married to, um, they're all just taking too much from me.

312
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And you feel that feeling.

313
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It's like a signal, like you have not taken care of yourself enough and therefore you don't have that to give to them.

314
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And I just had a conversation with my husband recently about this because he's just been like, go, go, go.

315
00:33:04,421.5437069 --> 00:33:09,441.5437069
I mean, he fills his weekends and he fills, you know, all of his time.

316
00:33:09,441.5437069 --> 00:33:16,591.5437069
And I said, Um, and then there was a moment when I was like, I needed his help with something and he was like, I'm burned out.

317
00:33:16,631.5437069 --> 00:33:18,81.5437069
I can't, I can't help you.

318
00:33:19,21.5437069 --> 00:33:19,511.5437069
Okay.

319
00:33:19,541.5437069 --> 00:33:20,581.5437069
I, I get that.

320
00:33:21,41.5437069 --> 00:33:41,231.4437069
But like I said, it's up to us individually to make sure that we are getting self care so that if our spouse does need us for something, We can be there for them more often, and like, especially if you agreed to help, which was the situation that this was.

321
00:33:41,231.5437069 --> 00:33:51,161.5427069
He was like, I'll help you with that thing, and then the time came, and I was like, Hey, I really need your help with this thing that remember we agreed we were doing, and he's like, I'm just too burned out.

322
00:33:51,181.5437069 --> 00:33:51,421.5437069
I'm just out.

323
00:33:53,11.5437069 --> 00:33:53,741.5437069
I'm exhausted.

324
00:33:53,761.5437069 --> 00:33:56,126.5437069
And I was like, well Yep.

325
00:33:57,446.5437069 --> 00:33:58,56.5437069
That's what happens.

326
00:33:58,566.5437069 --> 00:33:59,596.5437069
Yeah.

327
00:34:00,86.5437069 --> 00:34:04,56.5437069
Well, that brings up a good point because I think like a lot of times men are better at self care than women.

328
00:34:04,616.5437069 --> 00:34:10,356.5437069
They're like, like shutting things off and being like, Hey, I can't do anymore.

329
00:34:10,406.5437069 --> 00:34:15,6.5427069
And then like, the only thing I can do is, you know, play a video game or whatever.

330
00:34:15,6.5437069 --> 00:34:20,6.5427069
Like, and so I know for me, like, I resented my husband's self care.

331
00:34:20,26.5437069 --> 00:34:39,106.5437069
That was like when he was sitting on the couch, like on his phone and I was doing dishes, yeah, the resentment would come up real fast and not because he was doing anything wrong, although it seemed like it, it was like, okay, if you just see that I'm doing dishes and I need some help, or I would, you know, you know, This kitchen is a mess or the kids or whatever, you know, then it would be better.

332
00:34:39,106.5437069 --> 00:34:42,986.5437069
But what I've learned is like, if I'm feeling resentment, that's my signal.

333
00:34:43,16.5437069 --> 00:34:58,316.5437069
Like you said, to stop doing what I'm doing and go find something to fill myself up or to do something that distracts me or anything other than the thing that I'm doing that's causing those, that old song to play in my head that like my husband doesn't get it.

334
00:34:58,826.5437069 --> 00:35:03,326.5437069
Or, you know, if he, if he would do X and I could feel Y.

335
00:35:05,271.5437069 --> 00:35:06,41.5437069
Yes.

336
00:35:06,221.5437069 --> 00:35:06,561.5437069
Yeah.

337
00:35:06,721.5437069 --> 00:35:14,921.5432069
And I think that goes back to, too, a lot of like how we were raised, um, that I needed to be doing and moving.

338
00:35:14,921.5432069 --> 00:35:17,591.5432069
I need to be, um, playing my part.

339
00:35:17,591.5432069 --> 00:35:18,781.5427069
I need to be helping out.

340
00:35:18,781.5437069 --> 00:35:27,251.5437069
It's part of the family dynamic to always be like doing your chores and on top of it, having our parents be like, you better have that done.

341
00:35:29,411.5437069 --> 00:35:32,331.5437069
Don't just sit on the couch and be lazy, like, get up and do stuff.

342
00:35:32,451.5437069 --> 00:35:40,901.5437069
So then we end up projecting that onto our spouse because we're like, I'm up and doing stuff, why are you sitting on the couch and not doing anything? Yeah, it's hard.

343
00:35:40,911.5427069 --> 00:35:43,41.5437069
And as women, I think we do so much.

344
00:35:43,281.5427069 --> 00:35:45,1.5427069
So much that we don't even realize it.

345
00:35:45,11.5437069 --> 00:35:50,851.5437069
Like, uh, I, my husband could call me at 10 o'clock in the morning and be like, what are you doing? And I'll say, nothing.

346
00:35:51,391.5437069 --> 00:36:04,331.5437069
Or like, what have, like, what have you been doing? What have you been up to today, you know? And like, I don't know, not much, you know? But if I sit down and write down everything that I've done already, like, it could fill up a whole paper just with all the little things that I'm, that I'm doing.

347
00:36:04,331.5437069 --> 00:36:19,641.5427069
I'm accomplishing things and there's like a million things, you know, as a, as a mom and any per, and any person really, but like, I just don't even think we realize how much that we do and that it's okay to take those breaks and to refill our tanks.

348
00:36:19,641.6427069 --> 00:36:24,891.5432069
And I so get what you're saying about like, yeah, we were just told to do certain things.

349
00:36:24,891.5432069 --> 00:36:25,461.5427069
And so.

350
00:36:27,156.5437069 --> 00:36:35,926.5437069
When we're doing them, it's easy to look at others and be like, Hey, why aren't, like, what's wrong with you? Where didn't you get the same lesson that I did? Yeah.

351
00:36:36,16.5437069 --> 00:36:41,116.5437069
And another like example of codependency is dishonoring other people to honor yourself.

352
00:36:41,356.5437069 --> 00:36:51,746.5437069
So, you know, and being able to be like, well, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm holding boundaries, but now I want you to be doing what you're supposed to be doing.

353
00:36:51,776.5437069 --> 00:36:53,386.5432069
And yeah.

354
00:36:53,386.5432069 --> 00:36:54,596.5437069
Projecting that back.

355
00:36:55,6.5427069 --> 00:36:55,766.5427069
Totally.

356
00:36:56,276.5437069 --> 00:37:03,406.5437069
And then, like, feeling like you gotta, like, drag that person along, which I have been guilty of many times, and still am.

357
00:37:04,866.5437069 --> 00:37:06,616.5437069
Yeah, same.

358
00:37:06,666.5427069 --> 00:37:07,26.5427069
Same.

359
00:37:07,26.5437069 --> 00:37:08,846.5437069
And it's so hard to see it, too.

360
00:37:08,856.5437069 --> 00:37:14,236.5427069
Like, when you're in it, you don't see it, right? Like, you're doing the right, like, you're, you're doing it all.

361
00:37:16,286.5427069 --> 00:37:24,886.5437069
And, like, yeah, it's, it's really, it's hard to, to get that bird's eye view of kind of like, oh, maybe there's another way.

362
00:37:25,961.5437069 --> 00:37:26,361.5437069
Yeah.

363
00:37:27,51.5437069 --> 00:37:32,161.5437069
And the, it brings up one of the other, um, I don't have my notes with me.

364
00:37:32,161.5437069 --> 00:37:34,941.5437069
I should have brought my notes with, from the class, from the workshop.

365
00:37:34,981.5437069 --> 00:37:50,661.5437069
But the, when we talked about control and it was like, um, you know, if you're doing these things and you want a reaction from him and you want, um, you know, certain things to play out, you have certain expectations.

366
00:37:51,211.5437069 --> 00:38:01,451.5437069
Um, how much of that is control and how much of it is, then if you were to just have, like, That show of respect, like you, you can handle this.

367
00:38:01,491.5437069 --> 00:38:05,741.5437069
I respect and honor you in that you can do it.

368
00:38:06,631.5437069 --> 00:38:14,811.5427069
How much of it does they, do they then just do it on their own? Like they don't need to be controlled into it and manipulated into it.

369
00:38:14,821.5437069 --> 00:38:19,561.5437069
Most of the time they're like, Oh, I'm willing to come and do what you need.

370
00:38:19,561.5437069 --> 00:38:20,911.5437069
And I'm, Yeah.

371
00:38:21,441.5437069 --> 00:38:22,371.5437069
Yeah.

372
00:38:22,481.5437069 --> 00:38:41,611.5437069
Yeah, but sometimes if you're doing, like, when you're in that space, you're getting the opposite result, right? Like, you're like, you want, you have this certain expectation, you want this outcome, and when that is the focus, often, like, you'll find that people resist what you're trying to get them to do, and you're, like, getting the opposite of what you want.

373
00:38:45,851.5437069 --> 00:39:01,141.5427069
That lesson that week, I was like, Oh, here we go again, not, not from you, but from me, like, I'm like, sometimes I'm just, you know, admonishing myself, like, you, you've been taught this lesson over and over and over again.

374
00:39:01,161.5437069 --> 00:39:06,931.5437069
And it's just going to be something that is my particular sell.

375
00:39:06,931.5437069 --> 00:39:25,286.5437069
It's my particular thing that like, comes up a lot in my life where I'm like, Yeah, falling back into patterns of like trying to control everything and trying to, um, show love and create safety and certainty by like controlling my brain.

376
00:39:25,286.6437069 --> 00:39:30,176.5427069
It's always been my, my go to pattern that I'm like, all right, here we go again.

377
00:39:31,426.5427069 --> 00:39:32,476.5437069
That's what I need to work on.

378
00:39:33,756.5437069 --> 00:39:42,396.5437069
I love, I love that you're aware of that and that it's something that you're like, okay, this is something that, that I can see playing out in my life and.

379
00:39:43,126.5437069 --> 00:39:46,416.5437069
Just being aware of that is such a huge step.

380
00:39:46,626.5437069 --> 00:39:47,586.5437069
I know it was for me.

381
00:39:47,656.5437069 --> 00:39:54,416.5432069
Like I just didn't even know, you know, I didn't know that I was being controlling or manipulative.

382
00:39:54,416.5432069 --> 00:39:56,141.4437069
Like I was like, I'm doing this.

383
00:39:56,641.5437069 --> 00:40:07,321.5437069
It's for your own good and out of love and, um, if you would just listen to me, you know, or like, if you would just see what, what's missing, you know? Yeah.

384
00:40:07,461.5437069 --> 00:40:08,891.5437069
Well, we think we know.

385
00:40:09,131.5437069 --> 00:40:10,41.5437069
We have all the answers.

386
00:40:10,221.5437069 --> 00:40:10,911.5437069
Right.

387
00:40:10,911.5437069 --> 00:40:11,471.5437069
Yeah.

388
00:40:12,561.5437069 --> 00:40:14,171.5437069
I have the, I've seen this little thing.

389
00:40:14,721.5437069 --> 00:40:19,466.5437069
I can't remember exactly what it says, but it's like Maybe you know what it says.

390
00:40:20,136.5437069 --> 00:40:28,66.5437069
It's something about, like, for less I don't know if it says stress, but it's like Oh, I wish I had it in front of me.

391
00:40:29,106.5437069 --> 00:40:37,721.5437069
For less I'll just say I'll just say Paraphrase it, but it's like for less stress, resign as manager of the universe or something like that.

392
00:40:38,81.5437069 --> 00:40:38,711.5437069
Uh huh.

393
00:40:39,131.5437069 --> 00:40:56,781.5437069
So, yeah, it's just like, it's just a good reminder to me like, oh yeah, if I try to like control everything or manage the universe, which I think I try to do sometimes, that's where a lot of stress and just overwhelm kind of takes me down.

394
00:40:59,311.5437069 --> 00:41:00,61.5437069
That's so true.

395
00:41:00,191.5437069 --> 00:41:09,66.5437069
I've, I've, I've I've put that crown on my own head many times and some people, I mean, even in my own family, they call me the calendar queen because I'm the keeper of the calendar.

396
00:41:09,826.5437069 --> 00:41:25,986.5437069
And then it just so happens that I will get resentful when I do all of that keeping the calendar and then someone's like, what do we have going on on Saturday? And I'm like, I made the calendar.

397
00:41:27,736.5437069 --> 00:41:31,776.5437069
I'm like, you see that big whiteboard in the center of our home? That's giant.

398
00:41:31,796.5437069 --> 00:41:32,16.5437069
And it's.

399
00:41:32,86.6437069 --> 00:41:37,46.5437069
That is literally everything you need to know right there.

400
00:41:37,166.5437069 --> 00:41:41,686.5937069
Like, I have used the I can't phrase in moments like that.

401
00:41:41,686.5937069 --> 00:41:53,26.5427069
That was another good tip that I was given in the workshop, which is like when something feels like I know I can't do this without resentment afterwards.

402
00:41:53,196.5437069 --> 00:42:01,976.5437069
If I, if I do this task for you, even if it's super easy and I can just do it real quick, I If I'm going to feel resentful about it, I need to just, I can't.

403
00:42:02,896.5437069 --> 00:42:03,506.5437069
Yeah.

404
00:42:04,76.5437069 --> 00:42:06,566.5437069
That, I've gotten better at it.

405
00:42:07,286.5437069 --> 00:42:08,256.5437069
Oh, I love that.

406
00:42:08,356.5427069 --> 00:42:09,216.5437069
I, yeah.

407
00:42:09,596.5437069 --> 00:42:16,996.5437069
It's a great cheat phrase for, it's a way of setting a boundary and really protecting your own, your own well being.

408
00:42:17,576.5427069 --> 00:42:28,486.5437069
And, yeah, I love that you've been able to use it with, like, when somebody comes to you and wants something that you can do, but it will, you know, what's it going to cost? And is it worth it? Yeah.

409
00:42:28,846.5437069 --> 00:42:29,176.5437069
Yeah.

410
00:42:29,286.5437069 --> 00:42:30,756.5437069
And I will say I've used it wrong.

411
00:42:32,686.5437069 --> 00:42:37,136.5437069
You know, I think you like, again, you just have to go through the phases of learning how to do something.

412
00:42:37,196.5437069 --> 00:42:47,506.5427069
But I like in the beginning would be like, I can't because, and then I would just go into it and then it would create a fight or it would create this moment of tension.

413
00:42:47,526.5437069 --> 00:42:51,986.5437069
And I would be like, you know what? All I had to do was say, I can't, I don't know why I had to explain.

414
00:42:51,986.5437069 --> 00:42:53,496.5437069
I don't know why I had to go into it.

415
00:42:53,916.5437069 --> 00:42:55,116.5437069
That was just inviting.

416
00:42:55,116.5437069 --> 00:42:55,156.5437069
Okay.

417
00:42:56,386.5437069 --> 00:42:58,186.5437069
Something that didn't even need to be talked about.

418
00:42:58,206.5437069 --> 00:43:00,36.5437069
And we could just say, I can't.

419
00:43:00,566.5437069 --> 00:43:01,156.5437069
Hmm.

420
00:43:01,486.5437069 --> 00:43:01,886.5437069
Yeah.

421
00:43:02,516.5437069 --> 00:43:07,326.5437069
It doesn't feel like enough, like in the moment, but yeah, there's power.

422
00:43:07,366.5437069 --> 00:43:11,766.5427069
There's definitely power in less sometimes, but it's a hard lesson to learn for sure.

423
00:43:12,446.5427069 --> 00:43:24,156.5437069
It is, it is for me, but I think that, um, one of the ways that I have incorporated, like in the energy work and the healing world and the work that I do is.

424
00:43:24,541.5437069 --> 00:43:30,451.5437069
Kind of like being able to identify what energy that people are holding on their bodies that are not their own.

425
00:43:31,961.5437069 --> 00:43:47,581.5427069
You know, how much are we holding of our spouse? Are we holding their stuff? Are we absorbing their stuff and making it our own? Because we think in some capacity that it's gonna help.

426
00:43:48,411.5437069 --> 00:43:55,431.5437069
We like have this lie that That we've been telling ourselves that like, Oh, I'll take all that on.

427
00:43:55,491.5437069 --> 00:43:56,851.5437069
I'll feel it with you.

428
00:43:56,891.5437069 --> 00:43:58,761.5437069
I will fix it for you.

429
00:43:58,811.5437069 --> 00:44:01,191.5437069
I will hold it for you.

430
00:44:01,601.5437069 --> 00:44:04,211.5427069
And we just keep piling it on and piling it on.

431
00:44:04,751.5427069 --> 00:44:06,571.5427069
It doesn't help the other person.

432
00:44:07,571.5437069 --> 00:44:15,421.5437069
And even when it's an actual literal thing we're doing for them, it's kind of like, are we giving this message? That's like, Oh, you can't do this.

433
00:44:16,351.5437069 --> 00:44:18,71.5437069
I don't know for, you're not strong enough.

434
00:44:18,831.5437069 --> 00:44:23,666.5437069
Subliminally, uh, subconsciously, are we telling them like, You can't do it.

435
00:44:24,156.5437069 --> 00:44:30,706.5437069
So it's kind of that respect factor, like we're showing like, even though I'm like, Oh, I'll keep your schedule for you.

436
00:44:30,716.5437069 --> 00:44:31,806.5437069
I'll be your assistant.

437
00:44:31,816.5427069 --> 00:44:37,526.5437069
I'll stay home and like make sure that you are at all your appointments for you and everything.

438
00:44:38,476.5427069 --> 00:44:42,876.5437069
I'm doing all that, but am I really just saying, I'm, you're not an adult.

439
00:44:42,876.6437069 --> 00:44:46,246.5437069
I'm just, I'm not a dip for you.

440
00:44:46,566.5437069 --> 00:44:48,66.5437069
You're not very smart or something.

441
00:44:48,436.5437069 --> 00:44:55,686.5437069
Yeah, what is the subtext of some of the things that we do or think? And yeah, I love the work that you do.

442
00:44:56,266.5437069 --> 00:45:02,666.5437069
And it was like, That was part of my self care was really like, there were things that would really get under my skin.

443
00:45:02,676.5437069 --> 00:45:09,636.5427069
And once I kind of got my foundation, right, like, okay, my husband's not out to get me, he loves me, he cares about me.

444
00:45:09,646.5437069 --> 00:45:15,696.5437069
He wants me to be happy, like really simple things that I could get confused about really fast.

445
00:45:15,756.5437069 --> 00:45:22,306.5437069
Like, like I said, like he does something that I don't agree with and I'm instantly thinking like, Oh, he just doesn't care about me.

446
00:45:22,306.5437069 --> 00:45:24,716.5427069
Or, or he just doesn't understand me.

447
00:45:24,746.5437069 --> 00:45:25,966.5437069
And it was so quick.

448
00:45:26,451.5437069 --> 00:45:32,931.5437069
But once I figured, like, once I got that kind of more settled in to where I was like, okay, I know that he loves me and cares about me.

449
00:45:33,341.5437069 --> 00:45:41,391.5437069
So why do I feel so uncared for when this thing happens? So I got to the point where it was like, I have to fix this in myself.

450
00:45:41,391.5437069 --> 00:45:43,161.5437069
Like I realized it's not him anymore.

451
00:45:43,271.5427069 --> 00:45:54,21.5437069
And it took me some time to get to that place, but then doing like Reiki healing and other things like your healing through art workshop were like such good self care for me and to look at.

452
00:45:54,916.5437069 --> 00:46:00,846.5437069
Certain things that I've been carrying or that have affected me that I didn't even realize were there.

453
00:46:01,116.5437069 --> 00:46:09,286.5427069
And so I've experienced it a lot with different, just healing things and I just, I mean, it's great to get together with other women and share that.

454
00:46:09,346.5437069 --> 00:46:18,966.5437069
These things were kind of missing from my life for a while, like I just didn't see that I needed them and I, I did and I do, like on a regular basis.

455
00:46:19,816.5437069 --> 00:46:20,226.5437069
Yeah.

456
00:46:20,446.5437069 --> 00:46:20,856.5437069
Yeah.

457
00:46:20,926.5437069 --> 00:46:31,26.5437069
That's a really good point because all these different modalities of healing and I, you know, we've, you and I have chatted before about breath work and some other things and sound baths.

458
00:46:31,76.5427069 --> 00:46:46,966.5437069
And I mean, I truly believe that everyone has its own space in our life for like, what could come up? What awarenesses are we getting from that? I've heard of people that have huge transformation in a sound healing.

459
00:46:48,566.5437069 --> 00:46:50,706.5437069
And, um, I love a good sound bath.

460
00:46:50,966.5437069 --> 00:47:03,716.5427069
Uh, but I had a great emotional release in a breathwork session and I was like, wow, I didn't even know that was possible because I had always done emotional processing, IPT, what I do.

461
00:47:05,286.5437069 --> 00:47:14,816.5437069
And that, that felt like one that was like deep within the body, like the body was releasing all of this stuff about letting go of control.

462
00:47:14,856.5437069 --> 00:47:20,141.5437069
And it was nice Beautiful themes that just keep coming up over and over in my life.

463
00:47:21,821.5437069 --> 00:47:33,691.5437069
But yeah, I think that, um, the, the emotional process, the integrated processing technique that I facilitate is a great way to take some of the things like you're working on your relationship.

464
00:47:33,701.5437069 --> 00:47:50,291.5437069
You're working on, um, all of these things in your life, but you're like, but I want to know like, why, where did that start? What do I need to like release there that might be able to keep me from being triggered? Every time that comes up.

465
00:47:50,591.5437069 --> 00:47:50,961.5437069
Yeah.

466
00:47:51,871.5437069 --> 00:47:55,711.5437069
You know, just going kind of under the, the stuff.

467
00:47:56,131.5437069 --> 00:47:58,561.5437069
Yeah, and I'm the only one that can do it.

468
00:47:58,571.5437069 --> 00:48:00,511.5437069
Like, my husband couldn't do it for me.

469
00:48:00,531.5427069 --> 00:48:17,736.5437069
Like, it didn't matter what he said, right? Like, even if he said the perfect thing, which he does sometimes, you know, but when I was filtering it through all the junk, you know, and all the things that I was still holding on to, I Yeah, like I had to, I had to do it for myself.

470
00:48:17,756.5437069 --> 00:48:20,526.5437069
It was nothing that he could really fix.

471
00:48:20,546.5437069 --> 00:48:25,176.5437069
And I think a lot of times in the beginning, like in the early days of our relationship, it's what I wanted.

472
00:48:25,176.5437069 --> 00:48:36,456.5437069
I wanted him to fix all this stuff, say the perfect things, do just, you know, yeah, all the, all the imaginations of things that I thought should happen.

473
00:48:36,636.5437069 --> 00:48:39,336.5437069
And like, that's a lot of, that was a lot to put on him.

474
00:48:39,336.5437069 --> 00:48:40,836.5437069
And I didn't even realize I was doing it.

475
00:48:40,836.5437069 --> 00:48:42,856.5437069
I thought this is what you do as a married couple.

476
00:48:42,856.5437069 --> 00:48:55,461.5437069
Like you just, You heal each other and you, and I think there are some of them that can happen too, but so much of the work, I had to do some work and I didn't even realize it for a while there.

477
00:48:55,891.5437069 --> 00:49:09,1.5437069
Yeah, you know, that's a good point because I think when you look at like those dynamics of what's going on when, when, um, when I look at like my early marriage, um, versus now.

478
00:49:10,246.5437069 --> 00:49:27,776.5437069
And this is a question I'd like to pose to our audience and, and maybe if you have a story or if you have something you can message me, I, I want to pose, how much are we trying to heal our spouse? Maybe not even heal, maybe just fix.

479
00:49:27,856.5437069 --> 00:49:30,386.5437069
Maybe how much are we just being like, fix yourself.

480
00:49:30,386.6437069 --> 00:49:52,406.5437069
And then how much are we expecting them to fix us by showing up exactly with the right words and the right behavior that we need? And if, if you really look deep down and it's a hard reality to face, it's hard to look at yourself and go, Oh, that's a shadow part of myself.

481
00:49:52,816.5437069 --> 00:50:09,526.5437069
That's a part I didn't realize I was, you know, doing, or I was sort of sabotaging myself with, but am I trying to fix them? And am I expecting them to show up for me in a way that's like fixing me? Yeah.

482
00:50:09,926.5437069 --> 00:50:11,556.5437069
Which isn't really fixing at all.

483
00:50:12,196.5437069 --> 00:50:12,816.5437069
If you think about it.

484
00:50:14,156.5437069 --> 00:50:14,526.5437069
Right.

485
00:50:16,306.5437069 --> 00:50:26,146.5427069
It's like, are you just, are you saying all the right words that I want to hear? And are you like saying it, you know, if I make a mistake, I want to hear, Oh, that's totally fine.

486
00:50:26,146.5437069 --> 00:50:27,776.5437069
You don't need to worry about it.

487
00:50:27,776.5437069 --> 00:50:28,756.5437069
You're perfect.

488
00:50:28,756.5437069 --> 00:50:31,36.5437069
And they're not showing up that way.

489
00:50:32,346.5427069 --> 00:50:32,756.5427069
Right.

490
00:50:32,806.5437069 --> 00:50:35,466.5437069
That would cause some problems if I was expecting that.

491
00:50:36,426.5437069 --> 00:50:36,836.5437069
Right.

492
00:50:36,836.5437069 --> 00:50:37,126.5437069
Yeah.

493
00:50:37,126.5437069 --> 00:50:38,976.5437069
I mean, that sounds really familiar to me.

494
00:50:38,986.5437069 --> 00:50:40,816.5437069
Like definitely.

495
00:50:41,516.5437069 --> 00:50:44,316.5437069
And like, I could just insert myself into that story.

496
00:50:45,716.5437069 --> 00:50:49,176.5437069
Yeah, the outcome was more resentment, typically.

497
00:50:50,386.5437069 --> 00:50:50,626.5437069
Yeah.

498
00:50:50,696.5437069 --> 00:50:52,536.5437069
Cause they're never going to show up exactly like that.

499
00:50:52,626.5437069 --> 00:50:54,756.5437069
Cause they're not fixed or healed or whatever.

500
00:50:54,766.5437069 --> 00:50:55,576.5437069
And we're not either.

501
00:50:55,576.5437069 --> 00:51:00,246.5437069
And you know, imperfect people trying to live life together.

502
00:51:00,486.5437069 --> 00:51:01,296.5437069
Yeah.

503
00:51:01,466.5437069 --> 00:51:01,896.5437069
Yeah.

504
00:51:02,46.5427069 --> 00:51:08,286.5437069
Like, that's one thing I want people to know too, is like, like most people, we're all just people.

505
00:51:08,316.5437069 --> 00:51:10,236.5437069
I mean, not most people, we're all just people.

506
00:51:10,246.5437069 --> 00:51:14,516.5427069
But when, like, when you come into a relationship, like you have two imperfect people.

507
00:51:14,516.5437069 --> 00:51:14,926.5437069
And I think.

508
00:51:16,796.5437069 --> 00:51:20,936.5437069
Sometimes it's hard to see, see that in ourselves.

509
00:51:21,186.5437069 --> 00:51:25,946.5437069
And yeah, I think I just hear a lot of, I just hear a lot.

510
00:51:25,956.5427069 --> 00:51:27,306.5437069
That kind of is like, if you can.

511
00:51:28,466.5437069 --> 00:51:28,866.5437069
I don't know.

512
00:51:28,866.5437069 --> 00:51:36,376.5437069
It feels like if you can become a robot in your relationship and your husband can become a robot, then you guys can be perfect robots together.

513
00:51:36,466.5437069 --> 00:51:55,316.5437069
And like, that's not what I help people do, you know, but I think I, like, I can get stuck in that too, like thinking like, okay, like we've been talking about, like, if he just does it this way and I do it this way and my way's better anyway, you know, then, then we'll all just be happy little robots.

514
00:51:55,316.5437069 --> 00:51:58,36.5427069
And, and we're not like, we're all, we all bring.

515
00:51:58,776.5437069 --> 00:52:01,546.5437069
You know, our own stuff to the table.

516
00:52:02,136.5437069 --> 00:52:03,186.5437069
Yeah, yeah.

517
00:52:03,616.5437069 --> 00:52:10,396.5437069
So I'm gonna have, I'm gonna have everybody listening just sit with that and ask yourself those questions.

518
00:52:10,416.5437069 --> 00:52:22,256.5437069
How much am I expecting that? And um, and as you were saying robots, I'm remembering this thing I saw where they had two AI computers talking to each other.

519
00:52:23,586.5437069 --> 00:52:24,976.5437069
They basically started fighting.

520
00:52:26,61.5437069 --> 00:52:33,131.5437069
Which is funny because it's like, you would think that these AI robots could somehow be the perfect human.

521
00:52:33,131.6437069 --> 00:52:34,981.5427069
Yeah, interesting.

522
00:52:35,991.5437069 --> 00:52:43,151.5437069
But they were basically like, hi, how are you? And the other one's like, hi, how are you? And the other person goes, I just asked you.

523
00:52:43,391.5427069 --> 00:52:48,11.5437069
And they're like, I know, but I just asked you, are you a robot? No, I am not.

524
00:52:48,551.5437069 --> 00:52:50,668.7294212
Like they just, they're going back and forth.

525
00:52:50,668.7294212 --> 00:52:51,507.2722783
It was hilarious.

526
00:52:51,507.2722783 --> 00:52:54,861.4437069
So I'm like, if you haven't seen that, go watch it because.

527
00:52:55,501.5437069 --> 00:53:00,831.5437069
That'll just tell you that even robots cannot seem to manage their relationship.

528
00:53:00,831.6437069 --> 00:53:02,351.5437069
That's funny.

529
00:53:02,351.5437069 --> 00:53:03,531.5437069
Yeah, I want to check that out.

530
00:53:05,441.5437069 --> 00:53:13,481.5427069
Okay, so I want you to tell us all of the ways that people can find you, especially if they want to do this workshop we've been talking about because it's amazing.

531
00:53:14,391.5437069 --> 00:53:15,81.5437069
Thank you.

532
00:53:15,101.5427069 --> 00:53:15,501.5427069
Yeah.

533
00:53:16,221.5437069 --> 00:53:21,191.4437069
Um, I, my website is brendacardolfercoaching.

534
00:53:21,191.5437069 --> 00:53:24,61.5437069
com and it's brendacardolfer with a k.

535
00:53:25,41.5437069 --> 00:53:30,541.5437069
Um, And on there right now, I actually have a, I don't know when this airs.

536
00:53:30,551.5437069 --> 00:53:32,271.5437069
So it's probably anyway.

537
00:53:33,261.5437069 --> 00:53:33,551.5437069
Yeah.

538
00:53:33,551.5437069 --> 00:53:34,681.5437069
We're like mid June.

539
00:53:35,1.5437069 --> 00:53:35,361.5437069
Okay.

540
00:53:36,521.5427069 --> 00:53:37,741.5437069
So ahead of the game.

541
00:53:37,781.5437069 --> 00:53:38,61.5432069
Okay.

542
00:53:38,61.5432069 --> 00:53:39,351.5427069
So I'm doing a free class.

543
00:53:39,371.5437069 --> 00:53:45,271.5437069
I have, if you go to my website, I typically have like a free class option, which is like, you can get a taste of what we do in the workshop.

544
00:53:45,821.5437069 --> 00:53:53,171.5437069
And then when I'm running a workshop, like I'll open it up for a week or two and people can register to do that workshop and it's all online.

545
00:53:53,171.5437069 --> 00:53:54,341.5437069
We do it all through zoom.

546
00:53:54,371.5437069 --> 00:53:55,981.5427069
So you can be anywhere in the world.

547
00:53:56,691.5437069 --> 00:54:05,641.5437069
Um, and we meet for four weeks, typically once a week for just a couple hours and go through these skills and have opportunities to practice them.

548
00:54:06,281.5427069 --> 00:54:08,611.5427069
Um, so brendacradolfercoaching.

549
00:54:09,491.5427069 --> 00:54:12,51.5427069
com and then I'm on Instagram at brendacradolfercoaching.

550
00:54:12,791.5427069 --> 00:54:12,821.5427069
com.

551
00:54:12,881.6437069 --> 00:54:14,391.4437069
Okay.

552
00:54:16,51.5437069 --> 00:54:18,241.5437069
And I will post all of those on my blog.

553
00:54:18,301.5437069 --> 00:54:31,791.5447069
So each web or each, um, episode, I have a blog post on my website so that I can put up all those resources, clicks and links and everything that people need to know so that they can find you if they need to.

554
00:54:32,341.5427069 --> 00:54:38,531.5437069
Um, and the books that we've been talking about and anything else that might be important.

555
00:54:38,691.5437069 --> 00:54:43,371.5437069
Um, other books that I've come across that are just helpful with relationships.

556
00:54:43,721.5437069 --> 00:54:44,291.5437069
Yeah.

557
00:54:44,401.5437069 --> 00:54:44,711.5437069
I love it.

558
00:54:46,151.5437069 --> 00:54:46,211.5437069
Yeah.

559
00:54:46,211.5437069 --> 00:54:48,381.5437069
So thank you so much for being on with us.

560
00:54:48,791.5427069 --> 00:54:54,41.5437069
And I hope everybody had as much fun listening as I've had just chit chatting with my friend.

561
00:54:55,131.5437069 --> 00:54:55,631.5427069
Thank you.

562
00:54:55,631.5437069 --> 00:54:56,291.5427069
You're welcome.

563
00:54:56,291.5427069 --> 00:54:57,111.5427069
It's been fun.

564
00:54:57,111.5427069 --> 00:54:57,731.5437069
I love it.

565
00:54:57,841.5427069 --> 00:55:02,361.5437069
I, we're going to have you over on, on the, podcast pretty soon.

566
00:55:03,31.5437069 --> 00:55:03,321.5437069
Yeah.

567
00:55:03,401.5437069 --> 00:55:05,21.5437069
I will tell all my secrets.

568
00:55:05,611.5437069 --> 00:55:05,991.5437069
Yay.

569
00:55:06,841.5437069 --> 00:55:07,701.5427069
That's what we do there.

570
00:55:07,701.5437069 --> 00:55:10,951.5437069
We share all the, we share all the secrets, all the relatable.

571
00:55:11,346.5437069 --> 00:55:13,476.5437069
Things that you don't want anybody else to know.

572
00:55:16,916.5437069 --> 00:55:21,516.5437069
That's where it's, that's where I'm going to spill all the beans of everything that you've ever wanted to know about me.

573
00:55:21,556.5437069 --> 00:55:26,636.5427069
So yeah, I definitely want to um, my audience will want to check that out when that comes out.

574
00:55:26,636.6427069 --> 00:55:27,966.5437069
There we go.

575
00:55:28,246.5437069 --> 00:55:29,196.5437069
Thanks Courtney.

576
00:55:29,676.5437069 --> 00:55:30,536.5437069
Thank you.

577
00:55:31,923.6399603 --> 00:55:33,723.6399603
That was Brenda Kordolfer.

578
00:55:33,723.6399603 --> 00:55:39,533.6399603
She is the podcast host of The Restored Wife and she's got a couple of episodes.

579
00:55:39,583.6399603 --> 00:55:47,693.6399603
She's working on getting some guests together who have done her workshop or those that she has experts on relationships.

580
00:55:48,258.6399603 --> 00:55:49,898.6399603
It's going to be an amazing podcast.

581
00:55:49,898.6399603 --> 00:55:53,888.6399603
I cannot wait to, um, work with her some more.

582
00:55:53,958.6399603 --> 00:56:07,308.6409603
And, um, as we were just getting off of that call together, she was talking, um, I was talking about the tarot card that I pulled at the beginning of the episode and I showed it to her, the high priestess.

583
00:56:07,708.6399603 --> 00:56:13,778.6399603
Um, if you're available on video, I can show you a little bit of a close up there.

584
00:56:14,198.6399603 --> 00:56:15,98.6399603
Hi, Priestess.

585
00:56:15,588.6399603 --> 00:56:21,528.6399603
And it's funny because she said that she had actually been pulling that card when she pulls for journaling.

586
00:56:21,628.6399603 --> 00:56:27,368.6399603
She has been pulling that card, the High Priestess, a few times in the past few weeks.

587
00:56:27,378.6399603 --> 00:56:29,398.6399603
So, um, I think that's amazing.

588
00:56:29,408.6399603 --> 00:56:33,898.6389603
I wish we had talked about that on the air, but I'm telling you now.

589
00:56:33,968.6389603 --> 00:56:36,848.6399603
So, thank you so much for listening.

590
00:56:37,18.6399603 --> 00:56:38,448.6399603
That was an awesome conversation.

591
00:56:38,713.6399603 --> 00:56:44,703.6399603
little chat having with Brenda and um, I can't wait for more with her.

592
00:56:45,603.6399603 --> 00:56:52,983.6399603
Next week, I want to talk a little bit more about in between spaces.

593
00:56:53,373.6399603 --> 00:56:57,643.6389603
In the Celtic tradition, the in between spaces are very sacred.

594
00:56:58,63.6399603 --> 00:57:33,633.6399603
Um, probably in more traditions than just Celtic, I imagine, but because I particularly respond to the Celtic spirituality, I am going to talk a little bit more about what do the in between spaces mean? What are the in between spaces and how can we use them to help us in our own using magic and being aware of ourselves? And I want you to use magic in your everyday life to strengthen relationships, heal, prosper, and thrive.

595
00:57:34,43.6399603 --> 00:57:47,793.6399603
If you are looking to do some more inner work when it comes to building your relationship or on your healing journey through a relationship issue, I highly recommend some emotional process sessions.

596
00:57:49,153.6399603 --> 00:57:53,643.6389603
And you can find that with me on prism healing.

597
00:57:53,953.6399603 --> 00:58:00,683.6399603
com Look for the IPT emotional process in my services and you can book that from anywhere.

598
00:58:00,713.6399603 --> 00:58:09,873.6399603
I can do it over the phone or I can do that in person in my own healing space if you are local in South Jordan or Northern Utah area.

599
00:58:11,383.6399603 --> 00:58:17,613.6399603
I would also like you to To invite you to follow me on Instagram at prism underscore healing.

600
00:58:18,93.6399603 --> 00:58:25,933.6389603
I probably do my most sharing on Instagram because it's a place where I can do live videos of card readings or the full moon.

601
00:58:26,493.6399603 --> 00:58:29,763.6389603
Um, and I will be doing more of those in the future.

602
00:58:30,283.6389603 --> 00:58:31,923.6399603
So look for those live videos.

603
00:58:31,933.6389603 --> 00:58:35,293.6399603
You can join us for a full moon ritual or a full moon discussion.

604
00:58:36,153.6399603 --> 00:58:41,93.6399603
And I just like to use Instagram to share anything and everything that I'm studying or learning about.

605
00:58:41,93.6399603 --> 00:58:46,983.6399603
So that's a great place to follow me for daily things, um, witchy tips and whatnot.

606
00:58:47,53.6399603 --> 00:58:49,713.6399603
I'm also on TikTok at Prism Healing.

607
00:58:50,523.6389603 --> 00:58:56,623.6399603
I'm doing my very best to be a good TikToker, but I will be honest, it's a little hard.

608
00:58:56,803.6399603 --> 00:59:00,343.6399603
And I guess I've been in like TikTok jail or something for a while.

609
00:59:00,843.6399603 --> 00:59:08,863.6399603
So you can really help me out by following me on TikTok and watching my videos and going back in my past videos to watch them and like them and comment on them.

610
00:59:09,403.6399603 --> 00:59:12,13.6389603
So that would be a super great support to me.

611
00:59:12,453.6389603 --> 00:59:20,353.6399603
Then I can keep creating content for you and look out for my next Tarot for Tips event.

612
00:59:20,963.6399603 --> 00:59:23,563.6399603
And I do have another healing through art.

613
00:59:23,918.6399603 --> 00:59:28,158.6399603
experience that is happening at the end of this month on in June.

614
00:59:28,678.6399603 --> 00:59:33,938.6389603
This is going to be a emotional process like we discussed earlier in the episode.

615
00:59:34,318.6399603 --> 00:59:36,798.6389603
Um, Brenda talked about how much it has helped her.

616
00:59:36,798.6399603 --> 00:59:47,598.6399603
She has come to my healing through art workshop and it's a really great way to experience a meditation, some journaling, and we get to paint out our emotions.

617
00:59:47,813.6399603 --> 00:59:55,173.6399603
With colors, using that vibrational frequency of colors to kind of lift them off the body and onto the canvas.

618
00:59:55,593.6399603 --> 00:59:57,293.6394603
It's a really transformative experience.

619
00:59:57,293.6394603 --> 00:59:58,813.6399603
I'm very proud of these workshops.

620
00:59:58,863.6399603 --> 01:00:09,403.6399603
So you can find those events on my website as well, or book yourself a private personal Intuitive card reading session with me.

621
01:00:10,23.6399603 --> 01:00:21,213.6399603
Um, I also do group sessions if you'd like to book me for an event and I can, um, come read cards for your event, um, and then look out for my blog there on my website.

622
01:00:21,423.6399603 --> 01:00:27,93.6399603
Up at the top you'll see blog and every episode of Practically Magic is outlined.

623
01:00:27,453.6399603 --> 01:00:28,568.6399603
And I have a.

624
01:00:29,248.6399603 --> 01:00:35,748.6399603
personal, uh, account of the episode and some extra additional resources as well as books.

625
01:00:35,818.6399603 --> 01:00:44,908.6389603
I'll be posting about codependency and relationships that were mentioned or even not mentioned in this episode and the previous episode.

626
01:00:45,858.6399603 --> 01:01:01,168.6389603
So thank you so much for listening and I would like to thank Ride the wave media, just Blane for always supporting this podcast, editing, releasing, doing all the background hard work and producing the episode.

627
01:01:01,788.6389603 --> 01:01:06,468.6399603
I would like to thank Sarah at Daybreak Treasures Boutique.

628
01:01:06,588.6409603 --> 01:01:12,458.6399603
If you find that boutique online, you will see all the amazing featured artists that are local to Daybreak.

629
01:01:12,913.6399603 --> 01:01:15,843.6399603
I myself am a featured artist on the website.

630
01:01:15,863.6399603 --> 01:01:22,413.6389603
So if you would like to take a peek at my artwork and see what sort of things I've created, that's a great place to go.

631
01:01:22,713.6399603 --> 01:01:31,223.6389603
It's an online boutique and she also sponsors all of my events, the Healing Through Art Workshop and the Smart Heart Art Workshop for Kids.

632
01:01:31,633.6399603 --> 01:01:33,993.6399603
So I would like to give a special shout out to them.

633
01:01:34,993.6399603 --> 01:01:44,233.6399603
At the Daybreak Treasures Boutique and to all of my pals, my good friends and supporters at the Daybreak Business Community.

634
01:01:44,423.6389603 --> 01:01:54,403.6389603
This is a personal shout out to you guys for hanging out with me at luncheons every Wednesday, um, for the Daybreak Business Community, for just being a community that supports each other.

635
01:01:54,703.6389603 --> 01:01:57,703.6399603
You guys are awesome and I love each and every one of you so much.

636
01:01:57,753.6399603 --> 01:02:06,618.6399603
So if you're listening, And you hear that message for you, please come to me personally and say, I heard you thank me on your podcast.

637
01:02:07,48.6399603 --> 01:02:08,208.6399603
And then I'll know you're listening.

638
01:02:08,638.6399603 --> 01:02:09,218.6399603
All right.

639
01:02:09,548.6399603 --> 01:02:14,878.6399603
Send me your questions, comments, anything on those social media pages.

640
01:02:15,138.6399603 --> 01:02:19,748.6399603
I'm on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok.

641
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Find me, chat with me, give me a shout out, give me a hello.

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It'll just make me feel so warm and fuzzy.

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And as always, witches and wizards go make magic.