Trauma and Crap w/Mrs. Daybreak Amanda McCombs

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COURTNEY PEARL: Hello
and welcome to Episode 8.

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This is Courtney Pearl, Pagan
Witch, Card Reader, Healer,

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Spiritualist, Celtic Priestess,
Teacher, Artist, and Mystic Seeker.

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I am discovering true and real
magick in the world and I would

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like to share it with you.

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Today, joining me is Amanda McCombs.

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She is Mrs.

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Daybreak.

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She is a teacher at Advantage Arts Academy
here in Daybreak, a fellow resident.

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and mom.

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And she's joining me here on this
episode we're calling Trauma and Crap

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because we're here to talk about the
journey of trauma and crap that happens.

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And crap.

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All the crap.

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So we're gonna start our episode like
we usually do with pulling a card.

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I have an oracle deck here today.

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I am going to pull a card from, it's
called the elemental oracle deck.

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This is actually It's so shiny you

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AMANDA SMITH: guys.

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COURTNEY PEARL: Beautiful.

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It has a foil edge to it.

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The artwork is lovely.

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This was actually my first deck ever.

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And my sister got me this and a
tarot deck for my birthday once.

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And I was like just interested in it,
but I was like, Oh yeah, this is great.

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And.

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Then my life began.

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So here we are.

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I'm gonna pull a card from
this deck and we'll see what

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this is meaning for us today.

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This might be exact Closing my eyes.

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This might be just for you.

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This might be for our listeners.

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This might be for the episode.

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I'm not sure.

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So we'll find out as we pull it.

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Let's see where it takes us.

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And I have the electricity card.

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I'm gonna try to show it to you because
it is amazing and it looks like you.

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AMANDA SMITH: She is on fire, holy smokes.

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Yeah,

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COURTNEY PEARL: and she, I mean
it looks to me, it's hard to

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tell because it's so fiery.

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It's just like this bright
light in the middle.

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She's full of light, yeah.

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Full of light and fire.

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But it looks like her hair is
red and like long and flowing.

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It looks like you, so I'm like,
wow, that's so appropriate.

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That's weird.

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It's just gorgeous.

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AMANDA SMITH: Glowing,
radiating from the center.

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Oh yeah, I can totally see.

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That's beautiful.

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Holy smokes.

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COURTNEY PEARL: So this card often
shows up as very action oriented.

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It's like fire element, so it's
electricity cannot be contained.

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It must go where it needs to go.

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There's action involved.

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So it's like anything that
you're thinking about doing and

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it's been charging for a while.

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You need to let that electricity flow and
just Blast through you because there's no

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AMANDA SMITH: control in it.

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channel it.

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I have to try to channel it.

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Go!

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Focus it.

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Yeah.

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In a direction.

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That's hard to pick.

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COURTNEY PEARL: Yes.

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Oh my gosh.

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That's so true.

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That's so true.

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The word that comes with this is wildness.

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So it is like about Totally tuning
into the body and what is natural.

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Because it takes electrical
current for the heart to pump.

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Even if it's an emotional experience or
the heart is directing it, it needs that

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electrical current to push it into action.

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AMANDA SMITH: Go!

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COURTNEY PEARL: I like
thinking of a superhero.

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Yeah, it is.

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It's very lightning esque.

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I'm super into reading those fantasy
novels about magick and things like that.

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And somebody always has electrical Yes,

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AMANDA SMITH: I was, I actually
just finished Iron Flame,

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so it's very appropriate.

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I've been reading, yeah.

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Yeah, you've been reading that one

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COURTNEY PEARL: too?

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I love I love all those kind of books.

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I just devour them and I should be
reading more of my academic books that

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I'm supposed to be reading, but get super
into those because it makes magick that

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is fantasy or fiction like real to me.

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This is how it shows up to me in my life.

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It doesn't look like that.

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Like Harry Potter.

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It doesn't look like that,
but it feels like that, yeah,

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AMANDA SMITH: I just barely we're going to
get a little off topic, but I love books.

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I love love books.

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I teach first grade and I have to get
them excited about reading because

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that's when they switch from learning
how to read to just being able to read

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and yeah, read for fun and read whatever
they want Like I told one of my students

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yesterday that they could pick up any
book They wanted to read and just read

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it like your reading scores are amazing
You can read whatever you want and they

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just don't and then I pulled up a book.

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That's what is it?

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There's a dragon in the
family and she was like What?

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Yes.

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Yeah, you can.

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Yes, you can totally read that
Anyway, I love finding those

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stories and letting that imagination
go a little wild, so to speak.

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COURTNEY PEARL: And anyone who's been
listening to the episodes we started with,

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I try to relate to that with kids in that
Spells, or magick, is actually stories.

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That's where the magick really is.

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It's in the stories.

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I tell kids be real careful about
the stories you tell about yourself.

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That's where healing happens, is when you
start to understand or rewrite the stories

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that you're telling about yourself.

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But isn't it just magickal?

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If you really stop to think about
it And I always try to get kids

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to understand when they're in that
stage of getting to read books.

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I'm like, these are the same
alphabet you've been learning.

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Okay.

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They're just letters.

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They're just letters and sounds.

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But in combining that in, in
making use of it, you literally

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get to step into other worlds.

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Like you get to be a
part of a whole journey.

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By just reading, it is so cool.

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I was a teacher.

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Obviously that kind of thing
amazes me, but try to get that

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relate that to other people.

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I'm like no, like that's magick.

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You guys, that's magickal.

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AMANDA SMITH: That's something
that could be like totally

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arbitrary, but words have power.

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COURTNEY PEARL: Exactly.

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Absolutely.

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The power we give them anyway.

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Episode two, everybody.

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Listen to episode two, the words.

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Talks about the power of words.

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So that's super relatable.

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I want you to tell us a
little bit about your story.

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I want you to go through and
help us understand how you

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got to be a part of the Mrs.

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Daybreak pageant and what that's
all about, but also what led you.

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AMANDA SMITH: If you were to ask
me even a year ago, if this is

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something that I wanted to do, it
was not on my radar at all, 100%.

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I actually applied, it's for the Mrs.

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Utah America pageant, and you can just
put in whatever title, as long as you live

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in that vicinity, then you can have that
title, and then you get your second guess.

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Not guess, your second choice.

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And I got my first one, which was Mrs.

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Daybreak.

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And right after they said that was
the title that I got They announced

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Barbieland, and it was, yeah, so I applied
in September, and Daybreak was starting to

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make some waves, and I was like, I don't
know if I'm ready for this kind of public

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attention, because when I signed up, I
had no idea how big of a deal it was.

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Like Miss Congeniality, yeah,
it's that pageant, it's that one.

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So they have a Miss, and a Misses,
and it's connected with a really

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cool charity, Victoria's Voice.

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I'll send links and everything
so Courtney can post them too.

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For overdose prevention.

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Anyway, I seriously never thought I
would ever be in a beauty pageant,

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and somebody at the school is on
the production board, and I saw her.

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I usually see her in sweats, and
I saw her social media, and she's

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wearing, like, all these glittery,
shiny, sparkly dresses, and she's

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dancing with Todrick Hall in Vegas?

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And then she shows up
and slaps the next day.

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We're all just real.

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What kind of life is that?

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And she was like, Oh,
that was actually for Mrs.

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America.

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And I was like, I'm sorry, what?

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And I like, it didn't, I didn't put Miss,
I didn't put, I didn't put them together.

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Yeah.

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And.

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COURTNEY PEARL: I don't know anything
about pageantry circuits or anything

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like that, but it's amazing to me.

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AMANDA SMITH: I had no idea either.

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It's a whole new world.

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It's yeah.

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All the girls are pretty and nice, and
they've all been through stuff too.

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They're usually there to
share their voice, right?

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Yes.

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But yeah, so I applied and then I got Mrs.

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Daybreak and then I looked up and
started learning more about the pageant

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and everything that went into it and
how it's not just like how you look.

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Oh good.

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And walking in a swimsuit my swimsuit
is one quarter of my score and then.

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My evening gown is another quarter.

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Mostly that's just me being able
to walk in heels across the stage.

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And the other half of it is my interview.

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And I just have to show that I
have had an impact and it's more

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like it's a celebration of women.

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We're not in competition with each other.

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We're like, wow, how can I help
be a champion for your cause?

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You have my back.

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I have yours.

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We all call each other sash sisters.

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And I didn't even know that was a thing.

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I have those and I have friends.

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Yeah.

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I didn't have those in
high school, really.

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I had guys, like we were
talking about earlier, I had guy

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friends that I would hang out.

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And then it was like my boyfriend and his
friends, that's who I would hang out with,

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and their girlfriends, which was great,
but none of the friends were friends that

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were really my own that stuck around.

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Yeah.

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And there was a lot of trauma back there.

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And there were a lot of times where I
was sharing my story and I was saying

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that these things were happening to me
and I was literally not being heard.

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So then I got quiet, but there
are other reasons I got quiet,

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like lots of reasons I got quiet.

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I've had multiple stalkers
and I didn't want to be seen

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and I didn't want to be found.

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And I'm finally in a place where I am
safe, like more than 20 years later,

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I'm safe and I'm loved and I can share
my story and I'm not the only one that

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has had things like this happen to me.

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It's okay for things to not be okay.

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So I started like being a
champion for that cause after I

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got involved with the pageant.

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But what people didn't know and what
this lady really didn't know when she

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talked to me about joining is That so I
submitted my application in September and

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it was just after my mother passed away.

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Very unexpectedly.

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Wow.

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Like I spoke with her a week
after school started and then

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the next Saturday she was gone.

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Oh, wow.

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And I was supposed to go up and visit her.

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And instead of Like for the long weekend.

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And instead of going up to visit
her, I went to her funeral.

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Oh my gosh.

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COURTNEY PEARL: And it's amazing, to
me that you describe, cause we often

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think of pageants and the pageant
experience as being very superficial.

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AMANDA SMITH: Oh, it is.

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In

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COURTNEY PEARL: some ways.

242
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Yeah, but then here you talk
about these women are like

243
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,663
holding space for each other.

244
00:12:01,163 --> 00:12:05,203
That it's you're not alone and that
you're allowed to take up space here.

245
00:12:05,253 --> 00:12:06,193
You're allowed to Oh

246
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:07,643
AMANDA SMITH: my gosh, yeah.

247
00:12:07,723 --> 00:12:13,663
And the first, so the first that I had
sat around all these women in a room, like

248
00:12:13,663 --> 00:12:19,388
we have video calls and stuff we were at
a Christmas party, With the current Mrs.

249
00:12:19,408 --> 00:12:24,338
Utah America, her name's
Bailey and her platform.

250
00:12:24,448 --> 00:12:25,928
I had to learn what a platform was.

251
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:34,828
It's not, you guys her platform revolves
around miscarriage and stillborn babies

252
00:12:34,998 --> 00:12:39,498
and caring for moms and supporting
them after they go through that.

253
00:12:39,498 --> 00:12:41,708
Because usually you just,
you don't even talk about it.

254
00:12:41,758 --> 00:12:44,378
And you don't, when they're
that little, there isn't really,

255
00:12:45,138 --> 00:12:46,678
what can you take with you?

256
00:12:47,153 --> 00:12:52,543
What do you have to help you
remember that if you need it and

257
00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:54,413
in what ways can you be like?

258
00:12:55,313 --> 00:12:56,613
What ways can you support them?

259
00:12:56,673 --> 00:12:58,783
Yeah, my phone is going crazy.

260
00:12:58,893 --> 00:13:03,353
There it is And so we like have this
nice dinner and I'm sitting around

261
00:13:03,353 --> 00:13:06,873
all these ladies that I've never met
before and we've talked on social

262
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:12,348
media and We've done quick little
bios and stalked each other like you

263
00:13:12,348 --> 00:13:13,838
do when you're making a new friend.

264
00:13:14,258 --> 00:13:14,478
Yeah.

265
00:13:15,648 --> 00:13:19,208
And I walk in this sparkly dress.

266
00:13:19,358 --> 00:13:21,858
I had to borrow a dress from a friend.

267
00:13:21,958 --> 00:13:22,908
I wore sports bras.

268
00:13:22,908 --> 00:13:23,715
I

269
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,328
COURTNEY PEARL: would too.

270
00:13:25,328 --> 00:13:26,998
I would not be able to do it.

271
00:13:26,998 --> 00:13:27,268
And

272
00:13:27,278 --> 00:13:28,848
AMANDA SMITH: shoes I
didn't have anything.

273
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:33,558
And all of a sudden I walked in and I
had a bunch of brand new best friends.

274
00:13:34,098 --> 00:13:35,348
That I had never had before.

275
00:13:35,388 --> 00:13:37,908
I had lost all my friends in high school.

276
00:13:37,948 --> 00:13:38,908
All my girlfriends.

277
00:13:39,708 --> 00:13:45,493
And the ones that I had kept, like Even
now, they live long distance, but here

278
00:13:45,523 --> 00:13:49,023
I know if I need anything, or if I'm
like, Hey, I'm trying to get a bunch

279
00:13:49,023 --> 00:13:53,953
of people together to do this, I have
people I can look to who can help me and

280
00:13:53,953 --> 00:13:58,253
won't think I'm crazy, or they understand
my experience and know what I'm trying

281
00:13:58,253 --> 00:14:01,203
to do, and they keep coming back!

282
00:14:01,223 --> 00:14:03,793
These ladies keep coming
back season after season.

283
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:08,903
To go through the whole pageant process
because it develops them as a person

284
00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:10,073
and it makes them more confident.

285
00:14:10,393 --> 00:14:12,513
And I didn't know how much I needed that.

286
00:14:13,413 --> 00:14:13,803
Yes.

287
00:14:14,703 --> 00:14:20,593
COURTNEY PEARL: So in, in grief,
you're grieving, just lost your mom.

288
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:25,623
You had some health issues too,
and all these things and the fire.

289
00:14:26,293 --> 00:14:26,483
Oh,

290
00:14:26,483 --> 00:14:27,733
AMANDA SMITH: so yeah, one year.

291
00:14:27,763 --> 00:14:32,373
So this we're recording in
February and a year ago.

292
00:14:32,868 --> 00:14:35,958
February 1st, I was
diagnosed with shingles.

293
00:14:36,258 --> 00:14:39,378
And it went through my,
the nerves in my face.

294
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,668
And I we still don't really
know what's going on with me.

295
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,258
I'm immunocompromised somehow.

296
00:14:45,268 --> 00:14:47,028
We're running all kinds of medical tests.

297
00:14:47,238 --> 00:14:49,178
But I am not in my 60s.

298
00:14:49,658 --> 00:14:51,808
I'm not old enough to
get the shingle shot.

299
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:53,988
Why is this happening to me?

300
00:14:54,008 --> 00:14:55,388
And why in my face?

301
00:14:55,948 --> 00:14:57,318
It went through my sinuses.

302
00:14:57,348 --> 00:14:59,718
All this still I can't feel, really.

303
00:15:00,803 --> 00:15:03,483
Like this whole quarter of my face.

304
00:15:04,383 --> 00:15:05,033
Wow.

305
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:05,463
Like that.

306
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,833
COURTNEY PEARL: Very painful.

307
00:15:07,953 --> 00:15:08,873
AMANDA SMITH: It's awful.

308
00:15:08,913 --> 00:15:12,843
And it, I was misdiagnosed as having
an ear infection cause that's like back

309
00:15:12,903 --> 00:15:17,113
here in my neck is where it started
and the guy took one look at me and was

310
00:15:17,123 --> 00:15:18,773
like, Oh, you have an ear infection.

311
00:15:18,873 --> 00:15:19,783
And I was like, what?

312
00:15:20,573 --> 00:15:20,863
And

313
00:15:20,893 --> 00:15:21,213
COURTNEY PEARL: then.

314
00:15:21,413 --> 00:15:24,503
Speaking of not being heard or being
allowed to take up space with women,

315
00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:27,003
let, let's not even get into the medical

316
00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:29,293
AMANDA SMITH: community.

317
00:15:29,898 --> 00:15:36,598
I go back days later, and it's
too late for the antiviral

318
00:15:36,608 --> 00:15:38,878
to Make significant progress.

319
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,388
And but this is the result of that.

320
00:15:40,498 --> 00:15:42,788
I have, I walk crooked sometimes.

321
00:15:43,438 --> 00:15:44,338
I can't walk straight.

322
00:15:45,238 --> 00:15:48,398
I'll be walking next to my husband
and I'll go off a different direction

323
00:15:48,408 --> 00:15:49,968
and he has to come back and get me.

324
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:53,628
Like I said, that sad little,
little puppy that walks over

325
00:15:53,628 --> 00:15:55,768
is duh, but yes, that's me.

326
00:15:56,758 --> 00:15:57,528
That's me.

327
00:15:58,428 --> 00:16:02,348
But then, with that, I couldn't see.

328
00:16:03,248 --> 00:16:04,118
Intense pain.

329
00:16:04,188 --> 00:16:05,428
Ice pack on my head.

330
00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:07,208
I wore an eye patch for a while.

331
00:16:07,358 --> 00:16:08,218
Sunglasses.

332
00:16:08,318 --> 00:16:08,788
Hat.

333
00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:11,228
My mom's house burned down.

334
00:16:12,128 --> 00:16:14,108
And I couldn't look at pictures.

335
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:17,388
I had a hard time with
people even talking to me.

336
00:16:17,858 --> 00:16:21,088
I couldn't even hear the
sound of my self breathing.

337
00:16:21,988 --> 00:16:22,488
Wow.

338
00:16:22,498 --> 00:16:26,488
I couldn't get a lot of details or
process any of it until way later.

339
00:16:27,388 --> 00:16:33,893
And I, at the school that I
was at I Started off as the P.

340
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:34,033
E.

341
00:16:34,033 --> 00:16:37,913
teacher and working out their E.

342
00:16:38,043 --> 00:16:38,183
L.

343
00:16:38,183 --> 00:16:42,573
program, that's English Language
Learners, but with shingles, I

344
00:16:42,573 --> 00:16:47,643
could not do the bright lights and
the echoing sounds, like even with

345
00:16:47,653 --> 00:16:49,303
earplugs and headphones and things.

346
00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:51,423
It wasn't gonna happen.

347
00:16:52,063 --> 00:16:55,563
They had me come back as the visual
art teacher when I was ready.

348
00:16:56,463 --> 00:16:57,883
That couldn't see.

349
00:16:58,783 --> 00:16:59,213
Yeah.

350
00:16:59,243 --> 00:17:02,403
I had my sunglasses, I had
prescription sunglasses that I would

351
00:17:02,403 --> 00:17:03,693
wear all the time and all kinds.

352
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:09,053
I would wear, I got a cute little knit
witch's hat at the Scottish festival and

353
00:17:09,053 --> 00:17:12,758
all the kids are like, it's springtime,
why are you wearing a witch's hat?

354
00:17:12,758 --> 00:17:14,893
And I was like, I can wear
this hat whenever I want.

355
00:17:15,413 --> 00:17:15,633
You can.

356
00:17:15,633 --> 00:17:16,443
That's right, you can.

357
00:17:17,023 --> 00:17:18,213
So I'm going to wear it whenever I want.

358
00:17:18,683 --> 00:17:21,648
That's And it was the best because
it has a little wire in it.

359
00:17:21,648 --> 00:17:23,028
I can bend it however I need to.

360
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:24,298
Yes.

361
00:17:25,308 --> 00:17:26,028
Anyway.

362
00:17:26,218 --> 00:17:26,758
So yeah.

363
00:17:26,848 --> 00:17:26,948
I

364
00:17:26,948 --> 00:17:29,948
COURTNEY PEARL: would just accessorize
that anyway, but that's just me.

365
00:17:30,218 --> 00:17:31,648
AMANDA SMITH: Flowers for springtime.

366
00:17:32,158 --> 00:17:34,948
You could do two little pumpkins for fall.

367
00:17:35,098 --> 00:17:35,418
Johns

368
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:36,258
COURTNEY PEARL: for that.

369
00:17:36,648 --> 00:17:38,338
But you do what you need to do, right?

370
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:41,148
You're trying to make it through this day.

371
00:17:41,158 --> 00:17:41,328
And

372
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,818
AMANDA SMITH: I wanted to
be at the school so bad.

373
00:17:43,828 --> 00:17:46,028
And this is before my
mom even passed away.

374
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:47,748
So this is back in February.

375
00:17:47,973 --> 00:17:51,733
And I had just found a love for
paddle boarding and Beautiful daybreak

376
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:56,233
and I couldn't paddleboard anymore
because I couldn't even do the light

377
00:17:56,253 --> 00:17:59,863
reflecting on the water was too bright.

378
00:17:59,883 --> 00:18:00,853
And I couldn't drive.

379
00:18:01,753 --> 00:18:04,103
My husband had to do all the driving.

380
00:18:04,143 --> 00:18:08,323
And I would even like the little sleep
mask things, I would have to wear

381
00:18:08,323 --> 00:18:09,593
one of those when we were driving.

382
00:18:10,493 --> 00:18:12,033
My eyes couldn't focus.

383
00:18:12,083 --> 00:18:13,333
I couldn't watch TV.

384
00:18:13,403 --> 00:18:14,513
I couldn't read.

385
00:18:14,913 --> 00:18:16,613
I couldn't do audio books.

386
00:18:16,883 --> 00:18:18,433
I couldn't listen to music.

387
00:18:18,513 --> 00:18:22,853
So all these people that are like
trying to give me things to do while

388
00:18:22,883 --> 00:18:25,903
I'm recovering, I couldn't do any of it.

389
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,283
COURTNEY PEARL: Trapped in your own body.

390
00:18:28,413 --> 00:18:28,433
Yeah.

391
00:18:28,913 --> 00:18:29,203
AMANDA SMITH: Pretty much.

392
00:18:29,203 --> 00:18:31,493
Boning in pain in bed.

393
00:18:32,073 --> 00:18:32,493
Yeah.

394
00:18:33,013 --> 00:18:33,573
Cause

395
00:18:33,573 --> 00:18:34,523
COURTNEY PEARL: there's
only so much you can do.

396
00:18:34,523 --> 00:18:36,133
I can't believe this all
just happened in a year.

397
00:18:36,843 --> 00:18:37,323
AMANDA SMITH: Yeah.

398
00:18:38,223 --> 00:18:39,123
COURTNEY PEARL: That's, yeah.

399
00:18:39,353 --> 00:18:40,453
What a story.

400
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:44,613
So I know you've talked about like
joining the pageant and having the

401
00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:47,583
pageant be a catapult for healing for you.

402
00:18:48,463 --> 00:18:53,283
What has that done for you that you feel
like it's, what has it been for you?

403
00:18:53,343 --> 00:18:57,683
AMANDA SMITH: My mom and I our
last conversation, I was in the

404
00:18:57,683 --> 00:19:02,163
bathtub and it was after the first
week of school and it was hard.

405
00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:03,993
Teaching first grade is hard, you guys.

406
00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:05,053
Oh, I know.

407
00:19:05,063 --> 00:19:05,703
No lie.

408
00:19:06,383 --> 00:19:07,238
I love them.

409
00:19:07,568 --> 00:19:12,298
So much, but they're so emotional and
especially at the beginning of the year.

410
00:19:12,348 --> 00:19:15,208
They are so sweet and they just
need to be seen and loved and it

411
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:16,798
just sucked all my energy out.

412
00:19:16,878 --> 00:19:21,448
I wasn't used to it anymore because I was
gonna take a break and not teach anymore.

413
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,668
And then I saw that school
and I had to be there.

414
00:19:24,078 --> 00:19:25,608
I just, I have a pull.

415
00:19:25,648 --> 00:19:29,828
This is like this I have a
pull to things that need me.

416
00:19:30,488 --> 00:19:32,288
And that's where I go.

417
00:19:33,188 --> 00:19:35,898
And it's worked out
pretty well for me so far.

418
00:19:36,448 --> 00:19:40,698
But she kept telling me to take care of
myself and I was sitting in the bathtub.

419
00:19:41,623 --> 00:19:45,563
And she and I bonded over bath time
rituals, like I have my little tray,

420
00:19:45,573 --> 00:19:49,103
and I have a little cup holder, and the
bath salts, and the candles, and just

421
00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:53,673
taking that time for yourself, and she
was talking to me about making sure that

422
00:19:53,673 --> 00:19:57,763
I did that, and that day happened to be
her birthday and she wasn't feeling good.

423
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:01,483
Like she didn't get to have the kind
of birthday that she wanted because

424
00:20:01,493 --> 00:20:04,933
she had an upset tummy and she couldn't
figure out really what was going on.

425
00:20:05,583 --> 00:20:08,963
But she kept talking to me about making
sure that I did things to take care

426
00:20:08,963 --> 00:20:12,223
of myself and you can't pour from an
empty cup and make sure that you're

427
00:20:12,223 --> 00:20:15,363
doing the things that you need so
that you're not getting worn down.

428
00:20:15,513 --> 00:20:18,033
Because I was one week into
the school year and she didn't

429
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,583
want me to do all that again.

430
00:20:21,223 --> 00:20:26,263
But she and I had a rough and rocky
relationship and we were Healing

431
00:20:26,323 --> 00:20:31,183
and repairing that, and we were
still healing and repairing that.

432
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:34,293
And, sorry.

433
00:20:34,993 --> 00:20:38,993
COURTNEY PEARL: Oh, you're perfectly
valid in feeling your feelings about this.

434
00:20:39,893 --> 00:20:42,183
This is where emotion
comes to be expressed.

435
00:20:42,983 --> 00:20:44,103
AMANDA SMITH: Yeah, right?

436
00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:46,593
It's like, why did I even put on makeup?

437
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:51,693
No one can see me, unless we get video.

438
00:20:52,288 --> 00:20:52,928
Edit that out.

439
00:20:53,178 --> 00:20:53,778
Never mind.

440
00:20:53,828 --> 00:20:54,248
Leave it in.

441
00:20:54,248 --> 00:20:56,041
COURTNEY PEARL: It's not.

442
00:20:56,041 --> 00:20:57,538
It's real.

443
00:20:57,978 --> 00:21:02,328
And I, for one, am grateful for your
vulnerability and being able to talk

444
00:21:02,338 --> 00:21:07,283
about this because it is important and
you're showing people what the other side

445
00:21:07,283 --> 00:21:12,013
of grief or the other side of healing
can be, because healing is not always

446
00:21:12,023 --> 00:21:18,063
just like the bath the bath that you
took is, and the conversation you were

447
00:21:18,073 --> 00:21:22,993
having it's healing and it's beautiful,
but healing is hard and it's work.

448
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:27,173
And it means bringing up a
lot that you're, it's painful.

449
00:21:27,423 --> 00:21:30,843
AMANDA SMITH: She and I had
like sub rocky times off and on.

450
00:21:31,743 --> 00:21:32,803
A very nice teenager.

451
00:21:32,803 --> 00:21:33,263
I was.

452
00:21:33,873 --> 00:21:37,543
She got both of her hips replaced at
the same time, and she and I we were

453
00:21:37,543 --> 00:21:41,303
there for each other when we needed each
other, but I would sneak out and stuff.

454
00:21:41,303 --> 00:21:41,873
I was naughty.

455
00:21:42,473 --> 00:21:47,813
But then when I was older and I set
boundaries even as a young, single parent.

456
00:21:48,393 --> 00:21:52,863
In my early twenties I wasn't
listened to and that led to a lot

457
00:21:52,863 --> 00:21:56,973
of conflict with her and I, so I'm
an adult and I need to be heard.

458
00:21:57,463 --> 00:22:01,233
And you're telling me that the,
what I'm doing isn't right, but

459
00:22:01,263 --> 00:22:03,243
it is, and it's what works for me.

460
00:22:03,473 --> 00:22:08,383
COURTNEY PEARL: Familiar kind
of breaking through those things

461
00:22:08,383 --> 00:22:11,143
of like adulthood and owning.

462
00:22:11,333 --> 00:22:12,653
AMANDA SMITH: I've been
growing up and it's hard.

463
00:22:12,693 --> 00:22:14,313
So I've been in this since seven.

464
00:22:14,963 --> 00:22:15,323
Oh, wow.

465
00:22:15,373 --> 00:22:18,743
And that's a hard, especially
because she and I were together.

466
00:22:18,753 --> 00:22:21,213
My parents were divorced after 40 years.

467
00:22:21,953 --> 00:22:27,733
They didn't get divorced until I
was living in Florida when I was 21.

468
00:22:28,633 --> 00:22:31,673
So I came back pregnant.

469
00:22:31,783 --> 00:22:33,223
This is all other stuff.

470
00:22:33,283 --> 00:22:38,293
This is Coming soon to a podcast near you.

471
00:22:38,953 --> 00:22:42,653
But I was in Florida for a year
and came back pregnant and she

472
00:22:42,653 --> 00:22:46,053
like helped me get back on my feet.

473
00:22:46,083 --> 00:22:50,223
But like when I came back, I didn't,
when I initially got my ticket to come

474
00:22:50,223 --> 00:22:51,643
back, I didn't realize I was pregnant.

475
00:22:52,543 --> 00:22:58,853
I found out after left my boyfriend,
or I was like, I'm breaking things

476
00:22:58,853 --> 00:23:01,283
off with him, but he and I are
still living together and I'm

477
00:23:01,283 --> 00:23:04,763
finishing my two weeks at my job
and I'm shipping my stuff back home.

478
00:23:05,243 --> 00:23:07,533
And he was not very nice
about me being pregnant.

479
00:23:07,763 --> 00:23:08,933
And I didn't tell my mom.

480
00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:10,053
I didn't tell anybody.

481
00:23:10,143 --> 00:23:12,143
I wasn't really sure what I
was going to do about it yet.

482
00:23:12,653 --> 00:23:17,713
And then my mom was nice and sweet
and took me in, but then she like,

483
00:23:17,713 --> 00:23:22,193
also held that against me and was
like, look at me taking in my.

484
00:23:22,623 --> 00:23:28,863
Unwed, single mother, daughter
and her devil spawn, right?

485
00:23:28,903 --> 00:23:33,193
And she was trying to get me to go to LDS
family services and get the baby up for

486
00:23:33,193 --> 00:23:39,508
adoption and something inside me like that
even Then like I was butting heads with

487
00:23:39,508 --> 00:23:44,068
her there because I knew what I wanted
to do and I knew that I was capable.

488
00:23:44,708 --> 00:23:48,848
And even back then, she was like,
if you keep this baby, you're not

489
00:23:48,848 --> 00:23:50,238
going to go anywhere in your life.

490
00:23:50,968 --> 00:23:55,168
I was doing housekeeping at a
hospital and She was like your

491
00:23:55,168 --> 00:23:56,688
life isn't gonna go anywhere else.

492
00:23:57,068 --> 00:23:59,808
You're not gonna be able to make any
money You're just gonna be taking

493
00:23:59,808 --> 00:24:03,958
care of this kid with this dad that
doesn't you know Like I was getting

494
00:24:03,958 --> 00:24:10,198
talked down to a lot and finally it was
like I'm gonna prove you wrong Yeah,

495
00:24:11,258 --> 00:24:13,423
COURTNEY PEARL: sometimes that's the

496
00:24:13,423 --> 00:24:20,358
AMANDA SMITH: best Oh my gosh, yeah
and then like my, I was thinking about

497
00:24:20,358 --> 00:24:24,358
it and I keep being told I've had the
same conversation over and over again.

498
00:24:24,408 --> 00:24:29,328
You become the person you
needed when you were growing up.

499
00:24:29,878 --> 00:24:30,418
Yes.

500
00:24:31,318 --> 00:24:35,348
And I needed somebody
that was compassionate.

501
00:24:35,613 --> 00:24:38,463
And that let me be my authentic self.

502
00:24:38,523 --> 00:24:42,723
And I needed somebody that was
an example of showing up and

503
00:24:42,733 --> 00:24:44,583
being their authentic self.

504
00:24:45,123 --> 00:24:48,253
And I needed somebody that was
going to stand up for themselves.

505
00:24:49,153 --> 00:24:51,323
So that I knew that I could do that too.

506
00:24:52,043 --> 00:24:53,183
Oh my gosh.

507
00:24:53,923 --> 00:24:54,853
That's amazing.

508
00:24:55,153 --> 00:24:58,113
We're in February 2023.

509
00:24:58,593 --> 00:25:00,293
I've got my shingles.

510
00:25:00,393 --> 00:25:05,093
My mom and stepdad's house burns down
and they barely make it out alive.

511
00:25:05,853 --> 00:25:08,783
And then I have this whole
summer where I can't go outside.

512
00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:10,133
? I can't like.

513
00:25:10,833 --> 00:25:12,723
Even with sunglasses, it was awful.

514
00:25:12,773 --> 00:25:13,553
I have dogs.

515
00:25:13,613 --> 00:25:14,623
I love walking them.

516
00:25:14,673 --> 00:25:18,163
I can't, I have a hard time
walking them still with the snow.

517
00:25:18,813 --> 00:25:19,563
It's hit or miss.

518
00:25:19,663 --> 00:25:23,473
If I'm sick, I'm like,
inside can't do anything.

519
00:25:23,573 --> 00:25:25,063
I can finally read, though.

520
00:25:25,213 --> 00:25:25,953
I can read books.

521
00:25:26,263 --> 00:25:29,923
COURTNEY PEARL: Yeah, little things
we take for granted, and if nothing

522
00:25:29,923 --> 00:25:35,643
else, this story is going to make me
appreciate everything in my life more.

523
00:25:35,653 --> 00:25:36,482
And

524
00:25:36,483 --> 00:25:37,223
AMANDA SMITH: that's what I came.

525
00:25:38,143 --> 00:25:39,623
That's what I came through.

526
00:25:39,653 --> 00:25:41,573
Matilda's one of my favorite books.

527
00:25:42,543 --> 00:25:44,433
It's part of why I became a teacher.

528
00:25:44,493 --> 00:25:47,653
I want more Miss Honey in the
world, and less trunchbulls.

529
00:25:48,233 --> 00:25:51,823
I needed to be a Miss Honey for
other kids that needed a Miss Honey.

530
00:25:52,283 --> 00:25:52,463
Yes.

531
00:25:52,873 --> 00:25:57,263
And so I was trying to read that
with my daughter before I got

532
00:25:57,263 --> 00:26:00,183
diagnosed with shingles and I
couldn't read it to her anymore.

533
00:26:00,233 --> 00:26:03,293
And I think that was one of the most
heartbreaking things in all of it.

534
00:26:03,893 --> 00:26:09,693
Is I couldn't I was getting
robbed of so many simple things.

535
00:26:10,363 --> 00:26:10,773
Yeah.

536
00:26:11,673 --> 00:26:12,103
Yeah.

537
00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:14,209
Even my birthday!

538
00:26:14,209 --> 00:26:15,923
My birthday's in February.

539
00:26:16,313 --> 00:26:22,843
And February 1st, I went to school,
and I wasn't feeling good, but I took

540
00:26:22,843 --> 00:26:27,903
medicine, and I was gonna be okay, but
I had a headache, and I did not, and I'd

541
00:26:27,903 --> 00:26:29,803
already been doing eardrops, whatever.

542
00:26:30,163 --> 00:26:32,153
This was the day I got
diagnosed with shingles.

543
00:26:32,833 --> 00:26:33,673
Ah.

544
00:26:33,883 --> 00:26:36,963
My head started throbbing, and I had
to lay down on my classroom floor

545
00:26:36,963 --> 00:26:40,363
with a giant ice pack on my head,
and I had my husband pick me up.

546
00:26:41,263 --> 00:26:43,103
Take me to urgent care again.

547
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,463
And they were like, oh
no, you have shingles.

548
00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:47,853
And I was like, are you kidding me?

549
00:26:48,373 --> 00:26:51,433
I went from an irritation
to freaking chicken pox.

550
00:26:51,823 --> 00:26:52,509
What am I?

551
00:26:52,509 --> 00:26:53,953
What am I seven?

552
00:26:53,953 --> 00:26:55,173
Am I a little kid?

553
00:26:55,173 --> 00:26:56,973
Is this happening all over again?

554
00:26:57,493 --> 00:26:58,053
Anyway.

555
00:26:58,953 --> 00:26:59,363
Yep.

556
00:26:59,393 --> 00:27:01,233
That's all way back forever ago.

557
00:27:01,273 --> 00:27:06,413
We're, we fast forward to September
after my mom's passed away and I'm

558
00:27:06,413 --> 00:27:08,073
literally going through the motions.

559
00:27:08,123 --> 00:27:11,223
I don't think this lady knew when she
was talking to me about the pageant

560
00:27:11,223 --> 00:27:13,423
that like I had not eaten for days.

561
00:27:14,223 --> 00:27:14,693
Wow.

562
00:27:14,703 --> 00:27:17,003
And I couldn't stop throwing up.

563
00:27:17,483 --> 00:27:21,973
I was in and out of the doctor's
office trying to figure out what

564
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:25,778
was wrong with me because I have
this, awful pain in my tummy that

565
00:27:25,778 --> 00:27:29,008
I couldn't figure out and we still,
we're still trying to figure it out.

566
00:27:29,168 --> 00:27:30,108
Who knows?

567
00:27:30,768 --> 00:27:36,088
After I'm like immunocompromised
now, it'll be worse than before.

568
00:27:36,088 --> 00:27:40,507
Oh, wait a minute.

569
00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:42,057
Delivery.

570
00:27:42,957 --> 00:27:43,347
What?

571
00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:45,087
I'm sorry.

572
00:27:45,637 --> 00:27:46,137
COURTNEY PEARL: Do you drink this?

573
00:27:46,237 --> 00:27:46,787
What is that?

574
00:27:47,137 --> 00:27:47,417
Yeah.

575
00:27:47,687 --> 00:27:49,427
I, oh, I haven't seen that one yet.

576
00:27:50,187 --> 00:27:50,507
A goblet?

577
00:27:50,507 --> 00:27:51,027
Grapefruit.

578
00:27:51,927 --> 00:27:52,837
AMANDA SMITH: Grapefruit.

579
00:27:53,737 --> 00:27:54,677
That was a nice surprise.

580
00:27:55,577 --> 00:27:56,907
Are those available to store?

581
00:27:57,807 --> 00:27:59,007
I'm gonna have to find out.

582
00:27:59,017 --> 00:28:00,197
He just came back.

583
00:28:00,197 --> 00:28:02,167
So they do donuts every Saturday.

584
00:28:02,947 --> 00:28:05,267
We're trying to do more
experiences as a family.

585
00:28:05,327 --> 00:28:06,157
We'll talk about that.

586
00:28:06,607 --> 00:28:07,107
I'm sure.

587
00:28:08,007 --> 00:28:09,557
They went and got donuts
and came back with this.

588
00:28:10,457 --> 00:28:11,137
Yay!

589
00:28:12,257 --> 00:28:13,637
But I'm gonna crack open.

590
00:28:13,647 --> 00:28:16,967
I'm a sucker for caffeine
and sparkling water.

591
00:28:16,977 --> 00:28:17,557
One second.

592
00:28:18,227 --> 00:28:21,667
So she didn't know that I
hadn't been eating or that I'm

593
00:28:21,667 --> 00:28:22,567
going through all this stuff.

594
00:28:22,567 --> 00:28:24,157
She didn't know my mom just passed away.

595
00:28:24,157 --> 00:28:28,642
I'm suffering quietly because
I don't want everybody else to

596
00:28:28,642 --> 00:28:31,347
know that I'm going through hell.

597
00:28:31,987 --> 00:28:34,517
Because we have to keep up
appearances for everybody else.

598
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:39,097
We have to make sure nobody especially
on social media, you have to make

599
00:28:39,187 --> 00:28:44,497
sure your life is wonderful and
fantastic and amazing and rainbows and

600
00:28:44,497 --> 00:28:46,417
butterflies and like nothing bad happens.

601
00:28:46,677 --> 00:28:49,087
COURTNEY PEARL: And can I just say,
especially in our culture here in

602
00:28:49,087 --> 00:28:53,807
Utah, I've lived other places and
I do feel that the performance

603
00:28:53,807 --> 00:28:56,447
of goodness is a real thing.

604
00:28:56,497 --> 00:28:58,517
It's a disconnecting energy.

605
00:28:58,517 --> 00:28:59,557
It's a disconnecting.

606
00:28:59,557 --> 00:29:00,047
We can't.

607
00:29:00,222 --> 00:29:04,262
Fully connect when we're not vulnerable
with each other, but I feel like

608
00:29:04,272 --> 00:29:08,302
the culture in Utah, especially for
women is, you've got it all together.

609
00:29:08,492 --> 00:29:11,442
Like you can't have a hair out of place.

610
00:29:12,182 --> 00:29:14,532
AMANDA SMITH: You have
to do all of the things.

611
00:29:15,012 --> 00:29:20,102
You can do the cute birthday parties
and have the kids in the cute Instagram

612
00:29:20,172 --> 00:29:26,432
worthy outfits with their pretty bedrooms
and they have to pose for the pictures.

613
00:29:27,232 --> 00:29:28,872
And whatever.

614
00:29:29,482 --> 00:29:32,382
And then the rest of the time,
people are just like scrolling

615
00:29:32,402 --> 00:29:35,252
on their phones and not paying
attention to anything around them.

616
00:29:36,152 --> 00:29:40,222
It makes so my hope, like what
I'm trying to do I, yes, I hired a

617
00:29:40,222 --> 00:29:45,292
social media team because I have to
use social media for this pageant.

618
00:29:45,322 --> 00:29:50,972
I almost got rid of it, but I'm trying
to turn it around to show that you

619
00:29:50,972 --> 00:29:53,462
can be authentic and you can be real.

620
00:29:53,702 --> 00:29:54,962
Cause yes.

621
00:29:56,012 --> 00:29:57,372
What is the point?

622
00:29:57,732 --> 00:30:02,262
And writing, if you're not living
for yourself and if you're not

623
00:30:02,262 --> 00:30:06,242
showing up for yourself, you
can't show up for anybody else.

624
00:30:06,952 --> 00:30:07,282
Yes.

625
00:30:08,182 --> 00:30:09,962
So ultimately the

626
00:30:09,962 --> 00:30:10,312
COURTNEY PEARL: message,

627
00:30:11,212 --> 00:30:11,832
AMANDA SMITH: right?

628
00:30:12,072 --> 00:30:12,552
Oh my God.

629
00:30:12,553 --> 00:30:18,512
Back to this conversation with this lady
where she's I'm the production manager of

630
00:30:18,512 --> 00:30:20,852
this beauty pageant and blah, blah, blah.

631
00:30:20,912 --> 00:30:25,162
And I was like, yeah, I would need a
lot of work to be in a beauty pageant.

632
00:30:26,062 --> 00:30:28,642
And she was like, no, you, no you don't.

633
00:30:29,022 --> 00:30:34,172
And she sent me the application and I
like thought about it and especially

634
00:30:34,172 --> 00:30:35,792
with not like I wasn't eating.

635
00:30:35,812 --> 00:30:38,482
I was not doing a good
job taking care of myself.

636
00:30:38,512 --> 00:30:40,272
Like, why would I even do that?

637
00:30:40,322 --> 00:30:40,952
That would be.

638
00:30:41,532 --> 00:30:42,532
That would be nuts.

639
00:30:43,432 --> 00:30:47,402
And I just looked at what was
expected of me and asked some

640
00:30:47,402 --> 00:30:50,172
questions, and I talked to my husband.

641
00:30:51,102 --> 00:30:54,232
Still not really letting on that
I'm, like, I'm really not doing

642
00:30:54,232 --> 00:30:55,652
a good job taking care of myself.

643
00:30:55,702 --> 00:31:01,102
And that was, like, all that my mom was
saying in my last conversation with her.

644
00:31:02,002 --> 00:31:05,462
And I'm seeing all these
little signs from her.

645
00:31:06,362 --> 00:31:09,442
So I did it and then I became Mrs.

646
00:31:09,442 --> 00:31:13,192
Daybreak, which is like
a really scary title.

647
00:31:13,242 --> 00:31:17,102
I'm sure I could have done a lot
more things with it, but I love it.

648
00:31:17,962 --> 00:31:23,022
I am a teacher full time and I think
being there and showing up for their

649
00:31:23,062 --> 00:31:26,792
kids, those kids was really important,
but once I started showing it for

650
00:31:26,792 --> 00:31:34,042
myself, like I think my first step was
going and getting pre made healthy.

651
00:31:34,347 --> 00:31:42,437
Meals and tons of vitamins and drinking
tons of water and getting sleep.

652
00:31:42,457 --> 00:31:45,367
Like it sounds so lame when I
say it out loud, but just getting

653
00:31:45,387 --> 00:31:49,517
enough sleep at night, because I
had to break this cycle where I

654
00:31:49,517 --> 00:31:51,307
wasn't sleeping and I wasn't eating.

655
00:31:51,347 --> 00:31:53,457
I was just getting sicker and sicker.

656
00:31:53,497 --> 00:31:54,797
I was spiraling down.

657
00:31:54,927 --> 00:31:56,067
I was going to die.

658
00:31:56,247 --> 00:32:01,887
And I wanted to, I didn't want to be
there anymore because my grief was so big.

659
00:32:02,237 --> 00:32:02,707
Yeah.

660
00:32:03,247 --> 00:32:12,527
After I signed up for the pageant, I'm
like in an MRI machine, and it was right

661
00:32:12,567 --> 00:32:18,347
after I had gotten my Lucy's Daybreak
title, and they're trying to figure

662
00:32:18,347 --> 00:32:20,017
out this tumor I have on my liver.

663
00:32:20,017 --> 00:32:22,637
Apparently it's not a big deal, so
we're not going to talk about that.

664
00:32:22,767 --> 00:32:26,857
But, in the MRI machine they come
on and they check on you and they

665
00:32:26,857 --> 00:32:32,457
make sure, breathe in, breathe out,
hold still, blasting Taylor Swift.

666
00:32:32,957 --> 00:32:35,237
And they come on and they're
like, okay, we're almost done,

667
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,467
we have a couple more minutes.

668
00:32:36,967 --> 00:32:41,417
And my first thought was that I
could call my mom on the way home.

669
00:32:42,077 --> 00:32:42,857
Aww.

670
00:32:43,757 --> 00:32:44,467
And I couldn't.

671
00:32:45,082 --> 00:32:45,802
Yeah.

672
00:32:46,702 --> 00:32:49,782
Cause I wanted to tell her about all
these medical things that I was going

673
00:32:49,782 --> 00:32:53,352
through, and about being freaking Mrs.

674
00:32:53,392 --> 00:32:54,732
Daybreak, what the heck.

675
00:32:55,232 --> 00:32:55,512
Yeah.

676
00:32:56,412 --> 00:33:00,682
And then, a few days later,
I went up to the property.

677
00:33:00,762 --> 00:33:02,732
It was getting ready to be demolished.

678
00:33:03,632 --> 00:33:05,642
Their house was up in Preston, Idaho.

679
00:33:05,862 --> 00:33:07,482
Napoleon Dynamite Land.

680
00:33:07,502 --> 00:33:09,542
Yeah, I'm very familiar.

681
00:33:10,442 --> 00:33:11,352
COURTNEY PEARL: That's
my neck of the woods,

682
00:33:11,582 --> 00:33:11,852
AMANDA SMITH: too.

683
00:33:12,102 --> 00:33:13,392
Oh, for real?

684
00:33:13,392 --> 00:33:13,722
I didn't know

685
00:33:13,722 --> 00:33:13,812
COURTNEY PEARL: that.

686
00:33:13,812 --> 00:33:14,052
Yeah.

687
00:33:14,052 --> 00:33:18,702
Brigham City and Logan and I did
some jobs up in Preston before,

688
00:33:18,702 --> 00:33:20,972
so I gotta hang out high school.

689
00:33:21,872 --> 00:33:22,082
AMANDA SMITH: Nice.

690
00:33:22,082 --> 00:33:23,402
Do you know where Okay.

691
00:33:24,412 --> 00:33:26,062
The hot springs that's in Preston?

692
00:33:26,062 --> 00:33:29,452
. Instead of turning to go to the
hot springs, you would just turn

693
00:33:29,452 --> 00:33:32,932
right and their house was in
that little valley over that way.

694
00:33:33,442 --> 00:33:35,092
I got to go through some things.

695
00:33:35,992 --> 00:33:40,442
And before she passed away, they had
already been clearing things out.

696
00:33:40,452 --> 00:33:46,167
She didn't pass away until end of August,
and the fire happened in February.

697
00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:53,067
So they were going through
and putting things in storage

698
00:33:53,157 --> 00:33:54,227
that they wanted to keep.

699
00:33:55,127 --> 00:33:56,227
You can only imagine.

700
00:33:57,127 --> 00:33:59,467
There was some of the most
random stuff in there.

701
00:33:59,737 --> 00:34:02,672
So I finally got to go through
it, like I finally got To go

702
00:34:02,672 --> 00:34:04,242
see, cause I could see again.

703
00:34:05,142 --> 00:34:05,192
And

704
00:34:05,532 --> 00:34:10,382
she had all kinds of things
connecting her to me, still.

705
00:34:11,282 --> 00:34:14,482
She had dolls that she had
given me by her bed that I had

706
00:34:14,482 --> 00:34:15,942
asked her to keep in storage.

707
00:34:16,092 --> 00:34:18,282
And just things that I would want.

708
00:34:18,402 --> 00:34:21,302
And nobody, again, youngest of seven kids.

709
00:34:21,412 --> 00:34:25,362
Nobody else was able to go up
and go through and see anything.

710
00:34:25,362 --> 00:34:26,932
And I'm standing there.

711
00:34:27,832 --> 00:34:31,582
There's bits and pieces of the
house all over and there's just

712
00:34:32,482 --> 00:34:38,612
sheet music and old school writings
blowing around in the wind.

713
00:34:39,512 --> 00:34:39,932
And

714
00:34:40,832 --> 00:34:44,752
I wanted to try to keep part of
her piano if it got demolished

715
00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:45,992
before I could get there.

716
00:34:46,522 --> 00:34:48,092
Just even a key, anything.

717
00:34:48,812 --> 00:34:53,512
Because I felt like if that was, if
there was anything that was my mom,

718
00:34:53,932 --> 00:34:56,202
that represented my mom, it was a piano.

719
00:34:57,012 --> 00:34:57,182
Yeah.

720
00:34:58,062 --> 00:34:59,662
I haven't played in forever.

721
00:35:00,562 --> 00:35:02,192
Hold on, I need more tissue.

722
00:35:03,092 --> 00:35:06,602
Excuse me, my mom had taught the
world how to play on that piano.

723
00:35:07,502 --> 00:35:11,242
It was a Steinway duo player.

724
00:35:12,142 --> 00:35:12,452
Cute.

725
00:35:12,922 --> 00:35:13,872
It was beautiful.

726
00:35:14,612 --> 00:35:18,512
And she taught me how to play, but
it had been a really long time.

727
00:35:19,412 --> 00:35:23,712
She was busy teaching other kids, so I
didn't get a lot of time to practice.

728
00:35:24,362 --> 00:35:26,812
They had already scooped it
up and taken it to the dump.

729
00:35:26,872 --> 00:35:28,362
I know we're like running out of time.

730
00:35:28,902 --> 00:35:30,612
They scooped it up and
took it to the dump.

731
00:35:30,972 --> 00:35:31,372
And

732
00:35:31,422 --> 00:35:34,462
they let me go in to try to
go look for any part of it.

733
00:35:34,602 --> 00:35:36,282
And they let, they're like, no scavenging.

734
00:35:36,292 --> 00:35:38,032
But I was like, there's a huge mistake.

735
00:35:38,032 --> 00:35:39,712
You guys took my mom's piano.

736
00:35:40,612 --> 00:35:43,202
And I just had to watch
there as they're unloading.

737
00:35:43,467 --> 00:35:46,287
Truckload after truckload
of my mom's life.

738
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:47,987
Wow.

739
00:35:48,887 --> 00:35:55,497
And this was after I signed up for
the pageant, so I'm still grieving

740
00:35:55,577 --> 00:36:03,057
and I'm still trying to feel all of
these things because I can't not feel.

741
00:36:03,957 --> 00:36:07,857
Because I had shut down those feelings
for so long and I had already been through

742
00:36:07,857 --> 00:36:12,617
so much therapy there was one point,
I don't know if I told you about this

743
00:36:12,637 --> 00:36:19,487
part, so I had a stalker that would Break
into my house and climb into my bed.

744
00:36:20,627 --> 00:36:21,347
Wow.

745
00:36:22,257 --> 00:36:25,287
And my house was surrounded
by chokecherry trees.

746
00:36:26,437 --> 00:36:32,257
And I had no idea that the tree in front
of my house was a chokecherry tree.

747
00:36:33,417 --> 00:36:34,777
Or that it had a smell.

748
00:36:35,657 --> 00:36:37,197
Until I went to therapy.

749
00:36:37,807 --> 00:36:40,067
And I was able to process all of that.

750
00:36:40,067 --> 00:36:41,607
Mmmmm.

751
00:36:42,667 --> 00:36:44,177
And I've lived in this house for years.

752
00:36:45,337 --> 00:36:46,717
That tree smells beautiful.

753
00:36:47,617 --> 00:36:48,437
Wow.

754
00:36:48,657 --> 00:36:54,547
Feeling those things and being there
and being at ground zero, when I

755
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:57,547
couldn't be there for any part of it.

756
00:36:57,567 --> 00:37:01,047
I wanted to be there helping so
bad, but I couldn't even go outside.

757
00:37:01,707 --> 00:37:02,287
Yeah.

758
00:37:02,807 --> 00:37:04,497
I found a bunch of family history.

759
00:37:04,837 --> 00:37:11,217
That she was able to stash away in some
of her old photo albums, and she used to

760
00:37:11,217 --> 00:37:14,187
do pageant trade, and I didn't know that.

761
00:37:15,087 --> 00:37:16,547
COURTNEY PEARL: Wow!

762
00:37:17,447 --> 00:37:18,417
Oh my gosh.

763
00:37:19,537 --> 00:37:20,327
AMANDA SMITH: Right there.

764
00:37:20,407 --> 00:37:28,877
I think she showed up for me to help me
get better, because if I didn't sign up

765
00:37:28,877 --> 00:37:34,532
for that pageant I don't know where I
would have been and it was seriously the

766
00:37:34,782 --> 00:37:39,172
most basic stuff getting enough sleep
Like even if you're tired and depressed

767
00:37:39,172 --> 00:37:43,572
and upset Getting enough sleep and eating
and drinking and finding somebody that

768
00:37:43,582 --> 00:37:51,112
you can talk to Anybody but like my
mom and I were working on healing our

769
00:37:51,132 --> 00:37:56,892
relationship but that's part of why it
was so hard when she was gone cuz I lost

770
00:37:57,542 --> 00:38:02,992
her, and I lost we weren't done healing
yet, and so now I feel like I found lots

771
00:38:02,992 --> 00:38:05,102
of other, I found so many other things.

772
00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:08,172
My mom wanted to write, apparently.

773
00:38:09,292 --> 00:38:11,092
I found pages and pages and pages.

774
00:38:11,642 --> 00:38:16,632
But it's mostly stuff that she went
through, and if I had read it at a

775
00:38:16,632 --> 00:38:20,752
different part of my life It was like
things going on when I was three.

776
00:38:21,432 --> 00:38:26,232
And she's talking about abuse that she
was facing, and how she was worried about

777
00:38:26,232 --> 00:38:31,222
the impact that it was gonna have on me
and my brother, the rest of my family.

778
00:38:31,282 --> 00:38:32,592
Take it out of context.

779
00:38:32,592 --> 00:38:35,372
If you hadn't been there.

780
00:38:35,867 --> 00:38:38,697
If it was somebody else reading it, they
probably just would have been like, what

781
00:38:38,697 --> 00:38:41,597
the heck, but yeah, it's so powerful.

782
00:38:41,597 --> 00:38:42,847
Validating.

783
00:38:42,867 --> 00:38:44,347
It's very validating.

784
00:38:44,347 --> 00:38:48,117
And I think if anything,
my experience was real.

785
00:38:48,167 --> 00:38:49,167
It really did happen.

786
00:38:49,347 --> 00:38:52,867
There's a lot of parts of my
life that I just blocked out.

787
00:38:53,097 --> 00:38:57,217
to survive and get through
and to make it, but why?

788
00:38:58,117 --> 00:39:03,417
Anyway, so now I'm in this beauty
pageant and I've had, now that I've

789
00:39:03,417 --> 00:39:08,087
been able to take care of myself that's
like when the beauty shows through.

790
00:39:09,207 --> 00:39:12,327
I see all these women, and
it's not, again, we're not in

791
00:39:12,327 --> 00:39:13,887
competition with each other.

792
00:39:13,907 --> 00:39:15,237
We're there cheering each other on.

793
00:39:16,087 --> 00:39:16,507
Yeah.

794
00:39:17,407 --> 00:39:20,237
COURTNEY PEARL: And even like you
said, like it being about beauty or

795
00:39:20,287 --> 00:39:23,207
aesthetics, it's it's such a deeper vibe.

796
00:39:24,107 --> 00:39:27,717
Cause just to say someone's beautiful
or like to just to give compliments

797
00:39:27,717 --> 00:39:31,147
on like how you look, it's I like the
way your face is rearranged, that's

798
00:39:31,147 --> 00:39:34,227
not a true compliment because it's
like, how much can I really help that?

799
00:39:34,677 --> 00:39:41,207
But like you said, when it goes deeper,
you are taking care of yourself.

800
00:39:42,107 --> 00:39:46,097
And that is what, for that to be the
last thing that your mom was trying

801
00:39:46,107 --> 00:39:51,544
to tell you, and for the healing
in your relationship, for you to

802
00:39:51,544 --> 00:39:55,844
find that stuff in the storage, to
be like, here is what she deemed

803
00:39:55,844 --> 00:39:57,687
the most important things to her.

804
00:39:57,687 --> 00:40:02,817
And there was no other way for
you to know or to find that out.

805
00:40:03,477 --> 00:40:06,057
Without that experience like you're
going in there and you're like she

806
00:40:06,057 --> 00:40:11,927
saved all this stuff these dolls from
me It's like the healing continues.

807
00:40:12,057 --> 00:40:15,027
She's not You know to her being gone.

808
00:40:15,047 --> 00:40:17,867
She's it doesn't end the
relationship healing.

809
00:40:17,867 --> 00:40:22,537
You're still doing it You're still
having these experiences to work.

810
00:40:23,357 --> 00:40:24,397
That's beautiful.

811
00:40:24,507 --> 00:40:24,667
It's

812
00:40:24,667 --> 00:40:28,467
AMANDA SMITH: just amazing I feel
like I'm healing for both of us too.

813
00:40:28,537 --> 00:40:34,307
Like I'm healing By what I'm
going through, I'm helping heal

814
00:40:34,917 --> 00:40:42,207
her and her experiences, and I'm
helping what she had be heard.

815
00:40:42,977 --> 00:40:44,757
Because there's a lot of, there's a lot of

816
00:40:44,797 --> 00:40:45,557
how do I say it

817
00:40:46,457 --> 00:40:48,147
without sounding like
an elephant like that?

818
00:40:48,197 --> 00:40:49,867
Oh my gosh, that was gross.

819
00:40:50,077 --> 00:40:50,587
I'm sorry.

820
00:40:50,867 --> 00:40:52,787
I'm trying to put it nicely.

821
00:40:53,207 --> 00:40:55,337
Expectations of women have changed.

822
00:40:55,987 --> 00:41:00,582
And but the view of them
in the world has not.

823
00:41:01,572 --> 00:41:01,912
Yes.

824
00:41:02,532 --> 00:41:05,802
With that me feeling guilt
for taking care of myself.

825
00:41:05,862 --> 00:41:07,022
Super basic stuff.

826
00:41:08,092 --> 00:41:08,302
Yeah.

827
00:41:08,302 --> 00:41:09,732
I shouldn't feel guilty for that.

828
00:41:09,782 --> 00:41:13,332
I shouldn't feel guilty for finding
something that I find joy in.

829
00:41:13,352 --> 00:41:15,292
For finding books that I like.

830
00:41:15,952 --> 00:41:18,242
Part of this whole pageant
thing, I had to explore.

831
00:41:18,597 --> 00:41:21,877
Figure out who I am and explain my likes.

832
00:41:21,897 --> 00:41:24,577
And then I was like, I don't even
know what I like anymore because

833
00:41:24,617 --> 00:41:28,317
I've just been so focused on being
a teacher and a mom and a wife.

834
00:41:28,957 --> 00:41:31,047
I would go to sit down and turn on the TV.

835
00:41:31,097 --> 00:41:33,767
Still, to this day, I don't
know what to put on the TV.

836
00:41:34,547 --> 00:41:37,247
Mostly because I couldn't see
for a really, I couldn't see for

837
00:41:37,247 --> 00:41:38,267
a really long time, you guys.

838
00:41:38,267 --> 00:41:42,792
So audiobooks are great,
but I play video games.

839
00:41:42,892 --> 00:41:43,612
I don't know.

840
00:41:44,072 --> 00:41:47,242
I don't need I had to re figure
out who I was and make sure that

841
00:41:47,242 --> 00:41:52,452
that me being a teacher is not just
that, is not my whole identity.

842
00:41:52,452 --> 00:41:55,802
There are so many parts
that make me who I am.

843
00:41:56,362 --> 00:42:00,662
And I think a lot of us have been
expected to fit in this tiny little box.

844
00:42:01,562 --> 00:42:04,992
And we can't keep chipping away at
the pieces that make us special.

845
00:42:05,042 --> 00:42:08,512
We gotta Why do we let
it fit in the box anyway?

846
00:42:09,122 --> 00:42:09,592
Yeah.

847
00:42:10,492 --> 00:42:10,652
COURTNEY PEARL: Yeah.

848
00:42:11,042 --> 00:42:12,022
We're not in boxes.

849
00:42:12,072 --> 00:42:12,482
Yeah.

850
00:42:12,972 --> 00:42:13,642
Oh my gosh.

851
00:42:14,172 --> 00:42:19,592
I want to rebrand, cause this
conversation, we didn't know where

852
00:42:19,592 --> 00:42:22,802
this was gonna end up and I'm like
I'm so thrilled with the direction

853
00:42:22,802 --> 00:42:28,202
it went because what I heard in so
many different parts and points as

854
00:42:28,202 --> 00:42:30,052
you described this whole journey.

855
00:42:30,952 --> 00:42:34,082
Instead of trauma and crap, which it was.

856
00:42:34,922 --> 00:42:35,322
It was.

857
00:42:35,382 --> 00:42:40,462
I want to rebrand it as one of my
favorite things about studying mythology.

858
00:42:40,967 --> 00:42:44,637
is and goddesses in mythology
is the idea of sovereignty.

859
00:42:45,627 --> 00:42:49,227
And I want to talk about, I want
to relate everything that you

860
00:42:49,227 --> 00:42:53,897
just said the central theme that
I've been hearing is sovereignty.

861
00:42:54,487 --> 00:43:00,017
Because first of all, you
claimed the title, Mrs.

862
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:01,407
Daybreak, right?

863
00:43:01,427 --> 00:43:03,067
They said, pick what you want,

864
00:43:03,837 --> 00:43:05,277
AMANDA SMITH: and you just did it.

865
00:43:05,277 --> 00:43:07,697
And you didn't think

866
00:43:07,697 --> 00:43:08,947
COURTNEY PEARL: that you'd get it.

867
00:43:08,947 --> 00:43:09,337
You didn't know.

868
00:43:09,337 --> 00:43:10,587
You were like, oh, there's
probably another Mrs.

869
00:43:10,587 --> 00:43:10,657
Daybreak.

870
00:43:11,137 --> 00:43:11,907
No, there wasn't.

871
00:43:11,967 --> 00:43:13,597
You're it, okay?

872
00:43:14,147 --> 00:43:15,397
You claimed it.

873
00:43:15,577 --> 00:43:18,617
You stepped into it, and it's yours.

874
00:43:19,697 --> 00:43:21,982
And that is incredible to me.

875
00:43:22,022 --> 00:43:27,372
That is better to me than if you were on a
stage with 20 women all trying to be Mrs.

876
00:43:27,722 --> 00:43:30,452
Daybreak and they announced you as Mrs.

877
00:43:30,452 --> 00:43:30,992
Daybreak.

878
00:43:31,032 --> 00:43:32,832
So they put a crown on your
head and some flowers in your

879
00:43:32,832 --> 00:43:34,282
hand and they clap for you.

880
00:43:34,672 --> 00:43:37,452
No, you just said, I want the title, Mrs.

881
00:43:37,452 --> 00:43:38,102
Daybreak.

882
00:43:38,182 --> 00:43:39,822
And they were like, it's yours.

883
00:43:40,722 --> 00:43:40,892
AMANDA SMITH: Yep.

884
00:43:40,982 --> 00:43:41,802
That's what happens.

885
00:43:42,542 --> 00:43:44,032
COURTNEY PEARL: Sovereignty, right?

886
00:43:44,352 --> 00:43:53,462
And then claiming you're right to
grieve, your right to suffer, your

887
00:43:53,492 --> 00:43:58,402
right to be validated in the things
you've been through that like your

888
00:43:58,402 --> 00:44:00,132
relationship with your mom wasn't great.

889
00:44:00,152 --> 00:44:03,972
Like a lot of parts where it were
really hard and even though you

890
00:44:03,982 --> 00:44:09,562
love her and she's gone now and you
grieve her, that all gets to be true.

891
00:44:09,732 --> 00:44:11,372
You get to have that.

892
00:44:11,612 --> 00:44:18,782
That experience that you went through
is your right, and then in stepping

893
00:44:18,792 --> 00:44:26,952
into this space where you're owning your
sovereignty over your life, you're like,

894
00:44:26,982 --> 00:44:28,912
putting the crown on your own head.

895
00:44:29,257 --> 00:44:34,277
And saying, I get to decide who I am
and I get to decide how I show up.

896
00:44:34,897 --> 00:44:40,327
And I am more than just this
teacher, this mom, this daughter.

897
00:44:41,097 --> 00:44:42,377
I'm more than that.

898
00:44:43,117 --> 00:44:45,077
And I'm all those things and more.

899
00:44:45,977 --> 00:44:46,657
And I.

900
00:44:47,567 --> 00:44:52,087
If I do anything in my life, if this
podcast and my healing work and anything

901
00:44:52,087 --> 00:44:58,727
I do, if it means anything to anyone, it
would be that I want that to be my legacy.

902
00:44:58,727 --> 00:45:04,617
I want to see people step into sovereignty
and own and claim that for themselves.

903
00:45:05,577 --> 00:45:06,837
Don't wait for permission.

904
00:45:06,857 --> 00:45:09,997
Don't wait for someone to,
it's like you've already won.

905
00:45:10,957 --> 00:45:12,167
AMANDA SMITH: Take up the space.

906
00:45:12,167 --> 00:45:12,625
Take up space.

907
00:45:12,625 --> 00:45:14,487
You deserve to be here.

908
00:45:15,387 --> 00:45:15,977
Exactly.

909
00:45:16,877 --> 00:45:18,127
That's beautiful.

910
00:45:18,177 --> 00:45:23,417
It's I just, I knew for a long
time that I wasn't living up

911
00:45:23,417 --> 00:45:24,957
to what my mom's expected.

912
00:45:25,007 --> 00:45:29,157
My, both my parents, I wasn't living
up to either one of their expectations.

913
00:45:29,837 --> 00:45:34,375
I was black sheep, none
of us do, none of us

914
00:45:34,375 --> 00:45:34,837
COURTNEY PEARL: do.

915
00:45:34,887 --> 00:45:37,227
I was like perfect oldest daughter type.

916
00:45:37,287 --> 00:45:40,257
That was my, my, never, I
never snuck out of the house.

917
00:45:40,317 --> 00:45:41,137
I was never naughty.

918
00:45:41,877 --> 00:45:42,947
And I can tell you one thing.

919
00:45:43,157 --> 00:45:44,647
I never lived up to expectations either.

920
00:45:45,637 --> 00:45:49,337
AMANDA SMITH: Hey, I know how
to back a jeep out of a garage

921
00:45:50,237 --> 00:45:51,537
without waking anybody up.

922
00:45:52,437 --> 00:45:54,877
COURTNEY PEARL: Lots of
beautiful skills come from being

923
00:45:55,777 --> 00:45:57,307
like, I can hold a schedule.

924
00:45:57,357 --> 00:45:59,417
I can keep people on
schedule really well now.

925
00:45:59,947 --> 00:46:03,367
And when Mother's Day is coming up,
I'm the one Who message everybody

926
00:46:03,367 --> 00:46:04,627
and says Mother's Day is coming up.

927
00:46:04,627 --> 00:46:05,267
What are we getting, mom?

928
00:46:05,267 --> 00:46:05,867
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

929
00:46:05,947 --> 00:46:07,807
That's oldest daughter skills, right?

930
00:46:07,917 --> 00:46:08,487
Yes.

931
00:46:08,507 --> 00:46:11,757
The perfectionist that I am,
that came from being that.

932
00:46:12,327 --> 00:46:16,417
But it's no matter what our
experiences are, there are

933
00:46:16,517 --> 00:46:19,487
stories being told through that.

934
00:46:19,497 --> 00:46:26,777
There's stories we have to witness and
be ready to rewrite when they don't

935
00:46:26,777 --> 00:46:27,557
AMANDA SMITH: serve us anymore.

936
00:46:28,437 --> 00:46:28,877
Yeah.

937
00:46:29,407 --> 00:46:31,627
Oh, There's something
I keep seeing online.

938
00:46:31,637 --> 00:46:33,767
It's like, how does it go?

939
00:46:33,767 --> 00:46:34,517
It's a phrase.

940
00:46:35,277 --> 00:46:40,807
I'm trying to learn to read my past
chapters without burning all the pages.

941
00:46:41,707 --> 00:46:44,137
Because we existed and we still exist.

942
00:46:44,167 --> 00:46:48,147
We take up space and we like,
again, we deserve to be here.

943
00:46:48,147 --> 00:46:49,397
We all belong here.

944
00:46:50,437 --> 00:46:50,927
Yes.

945
00:46:51,167 --> 00:46:55,647
And we're all living these
crazy, incredible, complex lives.

946
00:46:55,657 --> 00:46:58,747
I'm not, I, okay, I've been, I've maybe.

947
00:46:59,352 --> 00:47:02,282
Maybe been through a little bit
more than like your average person,

948
00:47:02,992 --> 00:47:04,562
but this last year, for sure.

949
00:47:05,282 --> 00:47:11,722
Oh, my gosh, getting started,
but everybody has stuff going on.

950
00:47:11,852 --> 00:47:15,252
And I think we forget to ask,
but it's okay to ask for help.

951
00:47:15,252 --> 00:47:20,842
If you need it you don't want to be
a burden on anybody, but yeah, why?

952
00:47:21,902 --> 00:47:24,062
If you need help, ask for it.

953
00:47:24,392 --> 00:47:26,222
COURTNEY PEARL: Yeah, and
don't perform goodness.

954
00:47:27,262 --> 00:47:33,422
Don't, don't put the mask on of I'm
good and I I carry all that to be good.

955
00:47:34,242 --> 00:47:39,232
AMANDA SMITH: So we, our family
has given up on stuff for holidays.

956
00:47:39,742 --> 00:47:44,612
We buy stuff whenever we want the stuff
because Santa's not gonna bring us all

957
00:47:44,612 --> 00:47:46,682
the fancy, shiny, expensive things.

958
00:47:47,292 --> 00:47:50,662
Instead, what we did for this
Christmas, and I was quiet about it.

959
00:47:50,662 --> 00:47:52,032
I didn't want to make a bunch of noise.

960
00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:55,642
We just looked for other ways
that we could serve people.

961
00:47:55,722 --> 00:47:59,832
I took Christmas to a mom that
just came out of a hospital with

962
00:47:59,832 --> 00:48:01,492
her son who didn't have anything.

963
00:48:01,802 --> 00:48:03,782
I went shopping on Christmas
Eve and bagged it up and

964
00:48:04,072 --> 00:48:05,142
took it and dropped it off.

965
00:48:05,712 --> 00:48:08,962
I cooked a turkey for one family
because they ended up, it was a

966
00:48:08,962 --> 00:48:12,092
former student of mine, they ended up
having to take her to the hospital.

967
00:48:12,362 --> 00:48:18,222
I cooked up the whole turkey, portioned
it up in containers with potatoes, put it

968
00:48:18,222 --> 00:48:20,242
on my porch before we went out of town.

969
00:48:20,252 --> 00:48:23,352
And then I did like a bunch of other,
there was like another family I just

970
00:48:23,352 --> 00:48:26,752
dropped a whole turkey dinner off to so
they could take care of it themselves.

971
00:48:26,922 --> 00:48:29,672
And we have tons of refugees in the area.

972
00:48:30,432 --> 00:48:30,992
And I.

973
00:48:31,632 --> 00:48:38,162
Oh, it's a pop up shop, and they all came
and took everything that they needed but I

974
00:48:38,162 --> 00:48:41,662
didn't, I wasn't like, look at me, Sophie!

975
00:48:41,712 --> 00:48:44,872
I'm like, hey, I have two turkeys,
please help me give them away,

976
00:48:44,892 --> 00:48:46,622
and it was crickets forever.

977
00:48:47,092 --> 00:48:51,472
And when it came time for me to be like,
I have a family that's looking for this

978
00:48:51,472 --> 00:48:53,582
one thing, could anybody help me find it?

979
00:48:53,672 --> 00:48:55,452
And people were like, Oh, I'm too busy.

980
00:48:55,492 --> 00:48:57,162
I have to set up for a church thing.

981
00:48:57,692 --> 00:48:58,522
I can't do it.

982
00:48:58,522 --> 00:48:59,272
I have to do it.

983
00:48:59,272 --> 00:49:02,242
COURTNEY PEARL: Cause it has
to be a formal service event

984
00:49:02,252 --> 00:49:03,252
or it has to be a formal.

985
00:49:03,282 --> 00:49:03,812
AMANDA SMITH: Okay.

986
00:49:03,812 --> 00:49:08,262
I was just asking if anybody had
any extra pots and pans, but that's

987
00:49:09,312 --> 00:49:09,592
COURTNEY PEARL: Yeah.

988
00:49:09,712 --> 00:49:10,302
Yeah.

989
00:49:10,502 --> 00:49:11,042
Yeah.

990
00:49:11,042 --> 00:49:12,437
AMANDA SMITH: It's yeah.

991
00:49:12,437 --> 00:49:14,257
All of this together on

992
00:49:14,267 --> 00:49:15,837
COURTNEY PEARL: this together and.

993
00:49:16,292 --> 00:49:16,762
Yeah.

994
00:49:17,502 --> 00:49:19,422
Oh, that could be a
whole episode by itself.

995
00:49:19,422 --> 00:49:22,102
So let's hold that for a future episode.

996
00:49:22,592 --> 00:49:24,480
AMANDA SMITH: I'm going to, I'm

997
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:27,182
COURTNEY PEARL: going to skip our
question from a listener this week

998
00:49:27,182 --> 00:49:30,482
because we had such a good time
and we talked about so many amazing

999
00:49:30,492 --> 00:49:31,642
things that I think would help.

1000
00:49:31,877 --> 00:49:33,107
Just about anybody listening.

1001
00:49:33,727 --> 00:49:35,816
I'm gonna save that
question for next week.

1002
00:49:35,816 --> 00:49:36,436
AMANDA SMITH: And

1003
00:49:37,151 --> 00:49:40,781
COURTNEY PEARL: I want everyone out
there listening to please go use and be

1004
00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:42,631
aware of magick in your everyday life.

1005
00:49:42,691 --> 00:49:46,861
magick that helps you to grow, strengthen
your relationships, and thrive.

1006
00:49:47,991 --> 00:49:50,801
And you can find Amanda here on Instagram.

1007
00:49:51,501 --> 00:49:52,601
Tell them your Instagram.

1008
00:49:53,351 --> 00:49:55,391
AMANDA SMITH: Oh, my
Instagram is notsogenius.

1009
00:49:56,291 --> 00:49:57,221
Notsogenius.

1010
00:49:57,231 --> 00:49:57,361
COURTNEY PEARL: Yes,

1011
00:49:58,261 --> 00:49:58,761
AMANDA SMITH: maybe.

1012
00:49:59,806 --> 00:50:00,146
A genius.

1013
00:50:00,146 --> 00:50:01,046
Who's maybe what?

1014
00:50:01,116 --> 00:50:01,976
Maybe a genius.

1015
00:50:02,026 --> 00:50:02,796
I don't know, it's questionable.

1016
00:50:03,346 --> 00:50:08,056
I know a lot about random things that
probably nobody needs to know about, but

1017
00:50:08,326 --> 00:50:09,996
COURTNEY PEARL: Hey if
experiences are anything

1018
00:50:10,896 --> 00:50:12,276
AMANDA SMITH: Did it
just do that on its own?

1019
00:50:12,306 --> 00:50:12,506
Oh, wait.

1020
00:50:13,406 --> 00:50:15,926
COURTNEY PEARL: Our video is,
I didn't know it did that.

1021
00:50:16,886 --> 00:50:18,506
. Our video is having a good time here.

1022
00:50:19,406 --> 00:50:21,236
. We're making hearts and
thumbs up in our videos.

1023
00:50:22,136 --> 00:50:22,856
. Okay, sorry.

1024
00:50:22,856 --> 00:50:30,506
So for me, Instagram at Prism Healing,
or on Facebook, Courtney Pearl.

1025
00:50:30,836 --> 00:50:33,776
Or you can find my Facebook page
at Courtney Pearl's Prism healing.

1026
00:50:34,326 --> 00:50:37,056
Look for my events coming up in March.

1027
00:50:37,086 --> 00:50:41,526
I have a children's workshop that's
coming up March 15th, and at the end

1028
00:50:41,526 --> 00:50:44,716
of March, I'm doing another healing
through art workshop for adults.

1029
00:50:44,896 --> 00:50:49,816
So if you want to sign up for my
events, go to my website at prism.

1030
00:50:49,816 --> 00:50:49,886
org.

1031
00:50:50,386 --> 00:50:51,456
Dash healing.

1032
00:50:51,786 --> 00:50:55,416
com and find all of the
information you need there.

1033
00:50:55,886 --> 00:50:58,846
And then you can also use those
platforms to private message me.

1034
00:50:58,856 --> 00:51:04,866
Any questions you have, if you want to be
featured on questions from a listener, I

1035
00:51:04,866 --> 00:51:08,256
am going to give one more shout out and
thank you to Amanda for joining me today.

1036
00:51:08,256 --> 00:51:10,276
This conversation is amazing.

1037
00:51:10,286 --> 00:51:12,886
It went totally in all the
different directions I didn't

1038
00:51:12,926 --> 00:51:14,556
expect, and yet it was.

1039
00:51:14,866 --> 00:51:15,756
Incredible.

1040
00:51:16,136 --> 00:51:20,078
And good luck to Blane for editing
it into something that sounds like

1041
00:51:20,318 --> 00:51:23,228
it follows a good luck on that.

1042
00:51:23,248 --> 00:51:25,088
So I'd like to think, Oh, wait,

1043
00:51:25,298 --> 00:51:29,648
AMANDA SMITH: yeah, can we do a quick
little, the pageant is on March 23rd

1044
00:51:30,298 --> 00:51:32,478
and tickets just barely went live.

1045
00:51:32,658 --> 00:51:36,468
So if any, you, there's tons
of ladies, there's 19 misses.

1046
00:51:36,958 --> 00:51:38,168
Those are all the married women.

1047
00:51:38,208 --> 00:51:40,358
And then any non married women.

1048
00:51:41,258 --> 00:51:44,208
We have The pageant is going to be
beautiful, it's just a celebration

1049
00:51:44,208 --> 00:51:45,328
of how incredible all of us are.

1050
00:51:45,328 --> 00:51:48,158
So March 23rd at Murray High School.

1051
00:51:49,068 --> 00:51:49,428
Is the

1052
00:51:49,438 --> 00:51:50,008
COURTNEY PEARL: pageant!

1053
00:51:50,018 --> 00:51:52,128
I can't wait for that's
going to be amazing.

1054
00:51:52,308 --> 00:51:54,358
So I'd like to thank Ride the Wave Media.

1055
00:51:54,923 --> 00:51:58,963
And Just Blane for producing and managing
these podcasts on Ride the Wave Media.

1056
00:51:58,963 --> 00:51:59,703
He's amazing.

1057
00:51:59,713 --> 00:52:00,913
He makes us sound good.

1058
00:52:01,453 --> 00:52:06,143
And I'd like to thank Sarah Albert,
who is at Daybreak Treasures.

1059
00:52:06,383 --> 00:52:09,153
She's the one who features me
on her website as an artist

1060
00:52:09,303 --> 00:52:10,643
and she sponsors my events.

1061
00:52:10,933 --> 00:52:14,443
So special thanks to
her and we will see you.

1062
00:52:15,008 --> 00:52:17,518
Next time here on Practically magick.